Guilty about mother

sammy_kaye18

Hi All

Im after a bit of advice.

Me and my mother have never been close. Im the eldest daughter

When I was 15 my mum started an affair behind my fathers back and as I was a bit confused then I helped her hide it, but realising it was wrong I told my dad.

After much arguing etc and eventually my dad threw my mum out, I didnt see her for 6 months. She told family friends to lie to us and say she had gone to birmingham to live with her new boyfriend (who she had the affair with) when actually she was hiding upstairs in their house.

Anyway eventually when I did see her she wasn't eating and could barely afford to live so I moved in with her despite being a complete daddys girl, he was later posted to the midlands and I remained in Wales with my mum

Well basically when I got with my partner now, after a year I found out I was pregnant. Boxing day 2003 I was 6 months pregnant and she kicked me out. Gave me a deadline of two weeks to move my stuff out or she was binning it to move her new boyfriend in. Should add we were in a 3 bed house and there was only me, my sister and my mum there. So my mother in law took me in.

She has done nothing but let me and my kids down since. She turns up when and if she likes. I will meet her half way when we did meet. Then she'd conveniently play the doting grandmother but then I wouldnt hear off her for weeks unless it was to whinge about money or ask me to lend/borrow something

She then decided I lived too far from her - its about half hour but yet travelling past my house to see a guy she met on a dating website is fine.

She borrows money off people and doesn't pay it back but they are mutual friends so obviously I get it in the neck, can you ask your mum for my money back etc?

So we havent spoken since October - she decided the day we'd meet that we would meet half way so I took both kids (who were 7 and 18 months at the time) to see her only for her never to turn up with no phonecall only to find she had gone to meet some random for an afternoon of ............ instead of seeing her grandkids and me.

Now though my sister and aunt are telling me she is depressed, miserable, financially struggling and all in all not coping very well with life in general and I feel guilty in that I should be there for her as her eldest daughter but I dont want to leave myself open to diappointment again.

Talking to my partner is no help, he cant stand my mother after she kicked me out but he has the perfect little mum, dad, sister family and they never seem to have issues! His view is my mother isnt a mother.

So Im confused. Shes 50 next year and I don't know whether to contact her and just accept the fact that she is never going to change and put up with it , or keep my distance and save myself and my kids the disappointment.

snozberry

Your other half has a point. She has done nothing but let you down and you keep giving her the benefit of the doubt. You might be her eldest and you do feel a duty of care towards her but she is a selfish woman who isn't acting like a mum. I mean - what kind of a mum throws her daughter out so that she can move her lover in?? Honestly! If she wants help then wait for her to ask you for it. She has made her own bed to lay in!

Fire_Fox

Is it possible your mother has an undiagnosed mental health issue such as bipolar?

little_busy_bee

Hi,

sorry, will have to keep this short as am on lunch....

had something very similiar with my father. at the end of the day your mother is a mature grown up women responsible for her own actions, and the consequences of these.

the only person who can sort out her mental health and financial circumstances is your mother, if she needs other assistance she should be speaking to her gp and cab.

you are her child, not her career!

you have given her a lot of chances to build a better relationship with you and your children. when you say you have not spoken since october, do you mean she did not send you or your children cards and presents or call/visit for christmas.

my advice is to keep the distance, sorry for being brutal but your priority has got to be your children, your partner and your self.

Bitsy_Beans

I am not a big believer in blood being thicker than water. That just leads relationships open to abuse. Personally I would cut your losses. She's been consistent in her behaviour up until now and I don't see any reason for it to change in the future.
You've tried but you're not responsible for your mother and her actions, nor can you change her. Accept this, move on guilt free.

sammy_kaye18

snozberry wrote: »

. She has made her own bed to lay in!

Thank you for replying and I agree with that statement.

Fire_Fox wrote: »

Is it possible your mother has an undiagnosed mental health issue such as bipolar?

Im not entirely sure but she is very self centered and likes being the centre of attention. Thanks for the reply

little_busy_bee wrote: »

Hi,

you have given her a lot of chances to build a better relationship with you and your children. when you say you have not spoken since october, do you mean she did not send you or your children cards and presents or call/visit for christmas.

my advice is to keep the distance, sorry for being brutal but your priority has got to be your children, your partner and your self.

When I say no contact I mean I had one text message on May 18th saying she just wanted me to know she loved us all. That is the one and only time Ive heard from her since October. No phonecalls, other texts, letters, no nothing.

Nothing at Christmas - no text, card, presents for kids or anything

My sons birthday - she sent a card with £10 in it but no contact in sense of talking/texting etc

My daughter was 2 and she sent her a £10 argos card. again no card, text, phonecall or anything.

My birthday - nothing at all.


Thank you all for your replies too xxx

shelley_crow

No loving mother full stop would ever see her 6 month pregnant daughter out on the streets when there is a room empty, that has absolutely disgusted me.

You've been much more lenient on her than I would have been. So she didn't deem her pregnant daughter and grandchild fit enough to live in her house, yet she is happy enough to ask for and take your money? She's willing to travel miles for a booty call but won't commit to visiting her grandchildren who are half an hour away?

She sounds like an emtionally immature and extremely selfish individual. There seems a lot of calculated emotional blackmail going on in there too, what a lovely woman! She isn't coming across very well but of course, you know her best. Would she notice if you stopped contacting her or would she ring you for money eventually?

BitterAndTwisted

Why persevere with a relationship which causes you such unhappiness and has done or some time? Please pay attention to your partner because I fully agree with him. I would have decided to cut off all contact once I was shown the door. Being chucked out while pregnant to make room for some bloke or other would have been absolutely beyond the pale for me. That was proof if you ever needed it that you are not important to her unless and until she needs something from you, otherwise she can't be @rsed,

azzabazza

I think you must stand firm and take control of your life without your mum trying to manipulate you. My biggest regret is that i didn't get counselling years ago to help deal with my mother's constant selfishness, emotional blackmail, bullying and unreasonable demanding behaviour. I finally had counselling 3 years ago just before I was 60 which helped to lay a lot of ghosts. I found this very helpful.

She now has dementia but I visit her on my terms not hers.

sammy_kaye18

shelley_crow wrote: »

No loving mother full stop would ever see her 6 month pregnant daughter out on the streets when there is a room empty, that has absolutely disgusted me.

You've been much more lenient on her than I would have been. So she didn't deem pregnant daughter and grandchild fit enough to live in her house, yet she is happy enough to ask for and take your money? She's willing to travel miles for a booty call but won't commit to visiting her grandchildren who are half an hour away?

She sounds like an emtionally immature and extremely selfish individual. There seems a lot of calculated emotional blackmail going on in there too, what a lovely woman! She isn't coming across very well but of course, you know her best. Would she notice if you stopped contacting her or would she ring you for money eventually?

To be honest I would have thought she would of tried to contact me by now but I was apparently very clearly mistaken and I think that sentence sums her up perfectly.
She still acts in her 20's and I can remember one arguement I had with her when I was living with her so I was about 16/17 was that she needed to start being a mother because she was going out with her friends every night, crawling in at early hours of the morning and waking me and my sister up ( I was doing my exams and so my sister would have been 13/14) but she saw no problem in it and the conversation ended with "it was her turn to have her life back now because she was 40 and she'd raised us already and we could look after ourselves"

Thank god I follow in my fathers footsteps.......

mrs_sparrow

I think you should cut her out of your life and nOT feel guilty about it.

It does not matter if you are the oldest or the youngest.

She has made her own bed (as someone else has already quoted) no doubt she is no longer with her NF and now she has realised she has no-one else to whinge and moan to - everyone else is probably sick to death of her - and she is suddenly miserable and wants something else to do with you.

Well, if she ever does contact you tell her that you want a proper apology for her treatment of you - and when she apologises ask her what she is apologising for.

She is an adult and she needs to realise her actions have consequences. She does sound incredibly selfish - just say a big thank you that she she chucked you out and set you free to get on with your life without her being involved anymore.

Even though some people are family they are really not worth the trouble and heartache they bring. Ask youself this: If she was a neighbour/work colleague, would you want to be friends with her? And then you'll have your answer.