Jealous Partner

marisco_2

Okay let me get this right. You send a text to a colleague confirming you have arrived at a venue and will save seats. A completely innocent exchange of information which shouldn't even have needed to be discussed with your husband.

For some inexplicable reason your husband has an issue with you texting this guy. He festers on his own insecurities about this to the point where he claims it began to eat him up. He chooses to tell you this and then completely lets himself down, by asking you his loyal wife, why you feel the need to text a married man and wonders what is going on!

Good grief, what is the matter with your husband? Seriously what a totally over the top reaction to perfectly normal interaction between two adults who know each other. I would really struggle to take someone who carries on in such a childish manner seriously. I wouldn't let him upset you by what he has said. You know he is being absolutely ridiculous and that you have done nothing wrong. What he is insinuating is insulting to you, a person who loves him and would not dream of hurting him. As a grown man, if he really cant see that he has been out of order then he has issues that he needs to address. He cant go round upsetting and offending you and deflecting his problems and insecurities onto you like this.

To now be trying to turn this incident on its head and claiming that you are hurting him is manipulative. His behaviour verges on being controlling and abusive. It is time for him to take responsibilty and to start treating you properly. He has trust issues and problems and needs to seek counselling and get himself sorted out. If I were in a relationship with someone who had dare speak to me and treat me as he has done to you this wouldn't be optional. He would be told in in uncertain terms to sort himself out or we would be finished.

You deserve so, so much better and you come across as intelligient and astute enough to already know this.

seven-day-weekend

thehappybutterfly wrote: »

I was extremely jealous of other women when I first got together with my hubby. I'd never been cheated on before but I have very low self esteem and it was much much worse 18 years ago. I'd not long got out of a really bad relationship (violence and verbal abuse) and my confidence was at an all time low.

When my hubby went out with the boys, I would make myself ill imagining all sorts of shenanigans. I'd sit at home feeling and sometimes being sick, I wouldn't be able to sleep until he got home and then the questions would start. I never accused him of seeing other women - he just wasn't like that, that's not what worried me. I was just so terrified that he would meet and fall in love with someone else and realise that he didn't love me. Or that he'd get himself in a tricky situation with a woman and she'd kiss him. Or that he'd be egged on by his mates to go off with a woman. I never thought he'd ever go out with the intention of cheating on me - just that he'd meet someone else, someone better than me, and decide he didn't want me any more.

It took years before I was convinced. He never did anything to make me feel bad, he never wound me up etc. We had a ritual where I would say to him before he went out "please don't meet anyone else!" and he would say "Never. I love you and I don't want anyone else". Of course, it would be very easy just to say the words and not mean them but it made me feel better. And it worked.

If your OH has trust issues, and is questioning some of your actions, please be gentle with him. He will get better. As long as he's not out and out accusing you of messing around with other blokes - that's different. If he's just worried and needs some reassurances from you that you love him and you're not interested in other men, is that really too much to ask?

I like this post and agree with it, he needs frequent re-assurance that you love him and only him and over time he will get better (assuming it is solely a confidence issue).

princeofpounds

There seems to be two schools of thought on this thread.

One is - reassure him. It may encourage him to talk about the triggers of this behaviour and build up his confidence over time.

The second - put him in his place. It's unacceptable behaviour that puts stress on your relationship and should not be tolerated.

Personally, and this is from a bloke's point of view, I think both are right. And whilst it's a tricky balancing act, I think you have to pursue both angles.

If you reassure him, make it very firm and no-nonsense. Flattering him with affection will only reward the behaviour subconsciously. But if you tell him off for his suspicion, try not to belittle his feelings. Low self-esteem could aggravate his worries.

Whatever you do, I think you have to get in control of this pattern of behaviour because if it becomes a feature of the relationship dynamic (the way to get attention, or affection, or to punish, or to control) it will just get worse.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I like this post and agree with it, he needs frequent re-assurance that you love him and only him and over time he will get better (assuming it is solely a confidence issue).

No, they don't.

And the day they don't have time to go through the usual rigmarole of 'I will never, ever, ever leave you because I lubs you soooooo much, my ickle bubba' and other such claptrap is the day he goes into meltdown and gets ten times worse and wants a huge, serious discussion about his feelings (which also conveniently ruins whatever they were doing) and they're even more careful not to upset him, which makes him another ten times worse..........


Like making a fuss of a kid that doesn't want to sleep in their own bed at night. Eventually, they have to sleep alone - it's how you respond to their reluctance that dictates whether they'll still be there at the age of 12 or bunking off school to stay with Mummy.

thehappybutterfly

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

No, they don't.

And the day they don't have time to go through the usual rigmarole of 'I will never, ever, ever leave you because I lubs you soooooo much, my ickle bubba' and other such claptrap is the day he goes into meltdown and gets ten times worse and wants a huge, serious discussion about his feelings (which also conveniently ruins whatever they were doing) and they're even more careful not to upset him, which makes him another ten times worse..........


Like making a fuss of a kid that doesn't want to sleep in their own bed at night. Eventually, they have to sleep alone - it's how you respond to their reluctance that dictates whether they'll still be there at the age of 12 or bunking off school to stay with Mummy.

Not in my experience JoJo. My hubby was matter of fact in his reassurances and I accepted them. If I couldn't accept them and move on, that would have been my problem. Nobody is suggesting the kind of wishy washy behaviour you've described. Just quiet reassurance and no mind games.

seven-day-weekend

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

No, they don't.

And the day they don't have time to go through the usual rigmarole of 'I will never, ever, ever leave you because I lubs you soooooo much, my ickle bubba' and other such claptrap is the day he goes into meltdown and gets ten times worse and wants a huge, serious discussion about his feelings (which also conveniently ruins whatever they were doing) and they're even more careful not to upset him, which makes him another ten times worse..........


Like making a fuss of a kid that doesn't want to sleep in their own bed at night. Eventually, they have to sleep alone - it's how you respond to their reluctance that dictates whether they'll still be there at the age of 12 or bunking off school to stay with Mummy.

I only know that at a time in my marriage when I had jealousy issues through low self-esteem, it was the calm, gentle and sensitive re-assurance of my husband over a period of a couple of years that helped me to overcome it. (And he used normal language not the sickly-sweet language you used in your post).

I agree that if his jealousy is due to controlling issues rather than lack of confidence or self-esteem then that approach won't help, and said so in my post.

But it can help in some cases.