Jealous Partner

VestanPance

He doesn't trust you, he most likely doesn't trust anyone. By the sounds of it you have been together a long time and his trust issues from what happened to him with a previous partner still exist. I'd say you either need to suggest something that will see him resolve his trust issues (counselling etc), or accept it as a flaw he has, or decide if you can stay with someone who has this type of problem.

I'm open and honest enough to know that I have severe trust issues due to my previous relationship, which is why I refuse to entertain the thought of ever having another relationship. Precisly to avoid the situation the OP describes. The trust issue upsets the OP and you can bet your last penny her other half spent that entire night she was out putting himself through mental torture of what "could" be happening.

Tropez

It might be worth, once the situation has calmed down, to see if he would be open in to going to counselling sessions - MIND and a few other such organisations may be able to help.

His problems with his ex aside, jealousy can be born out of insecurity in oneself and low self-esteem. If, perhaps, he feels that he isn't good enough for you then in the back of his mind there can be a persistent niggling thought that someone else will come in to your life and whisk you away from him and the fear of this occurring causes him to think illogically about simple situations.

I have a jealous streak. In my case, quite simply, it is because I think I'm ugly and I wake up every morning and look in the mirror and can't fathom what it is that she finds attractive but I've learned to control these moments of jealous insecurity because otherwise I'd just go barmy.

masonsmum

VestanPance wrote: »

He doesn't trust you, he most likely doesn't trust anyone. By the sounds of it you have been together a long time and his trust issues from what happened to him with a previous partner still exist. I'd say you either need to suggest something that will see him resolve his trust issues (counselling etc), or accept it as a flaw he has, or decide if you can stay with someone who has this type of problem.

I'm open and honest enough to know that I have severe trust issues due to my previous relationship, which is why I refuse to entertain the thought of ever having another relationship. Precisly to avoid the situation the OP describes. The trust issue upsets the OP and you can bet your last penny her other half spent that entire night she was out putting himself through mental torture of what "could" be happening.

The worst of it was he was with me on the night out!!! I do love him and normally we have a fantastic time together but this always rears its ugly head every so often, feel like running away today and never coming back, because it hurts me so much to know he would think I would ever do that to him when he is all I have ever wanted in a partner!

VestanPance

masonsmum wrote: »

The worst of it was he was with me on the night out!!! I do love him and normally we have a fantastic time together but this always rears its ugly head every so often, feel like running away today and never coming back, because it hurts me so much to know he would think I would ever do that to him when he is all I have ever wanted in a partner!

It's unhealthy for either side when one partner has trust issues. You'll be upset and rightly so, as you wonder why someone who loves you can question your faithfulness. He'll be creating his own torment, as he'll create mental images of his worst nightmares of the woman he loves doing things with some other bloke, or having feelings for someone else.

If his trust issue only appears every so often there is probably some sort of trigger to it. Something his mind links back to what happened to him in the past. Say for instance the text message you sent, completely innocent, but it could be he discovered his ex's infidelity after reading one of her texts. Something daft like that. Might be worth thinking back if there is anything like that that is always present when his trust issues arise. A certain thing that is common in all cases.

I wish you both the best and really hope you can find a solution. To me a relationship needs trust from both partners. It's a fundamental building block in my opinion.

balletshoes

masonsmum wrote: »

The worst of it was he was with me on the night out!!! I do love him and normally we have a fantastic time together but this always rears its ugly head every so often, feel like running away today and never coming back, because it hurts me so much to know he would think I would ever do that to him when he is all I have ever wanted in a partner!

until you said "this always rears its head every so often" I thought it might just be a bit of a relapse from your OH, and you could both just sit down and discuss it, as in Euronorris' post above.

But if this is a recurring theme, its his problem, and he needs to realise that and get help for it. You can't be constantly trying to reassure him when his reaction to you texting someone in full view of him is so irrational. You haven't done anything wrong, and of course its upsetting to think that your OH doesn't trust you.

If your behaviour all the way through your relationship with your OH has given him no rational reason to distrust you, then in your shoes I'd spell that out to him yet again, and tell him how upset you get when he makes comments that clearly show he doesn't trust you, even after all this time. He could end up losing you through all this, I'm sure he doesn't want that. Jealousy, unrestrained, is about control, its never about love or respect.

Sambucus_Nigra

masonsmum wrote: »

So we go to the wedding of one of the guys I work with on Sat (I run the office for a small building contractor so its only me and 9 guys) arrive at the wedding and as pre arranged I text one of the guys (who was coming with his wife) that I was there first and would keep seats.

Interesting that he has jealousy issues and yet shacks up [no offence] with someone who works purely with other men. And yet can't cope when you communicate with them. What's the difference between communicating at work and communicating outside of it? Almost like it's part of the picture to have a partner who he can flip out at every now and then.

Carl31

My partner was insanely jealous when i met her, a product of upbringing and past boyfriends. I on the other hand am the complete opposite, hence it was a problem, especially as i have many female friends.

I had to be firm with her, not in an aggresive fashion, but to state i would not stand for it. She was perfect apart from this. Jealousy is learned, hence it can be rectified. Perseverance and plenty of talking has seen us through it, i think she still gets affected but controls it. Her views have changed on most things now too

belfastgirl23

To be honest if he asked something like that I'd be inclined to just say to him 'why are you asking that question?' and put the ball straight back in his court. If he has acknowledged in the past that he has trust issues he should get what you mean pretty fast. If he hasn't acknowledged that this is HIS problem rather than yours then he needs to do so.

I suppose at least he is sort of trying to address it, he's admitting his feelings in hopefully a reasonably appropriate way and that's good (it's worth telling him that you're glad he verbalised it although you don't agree with him on it). But that it's up to him to nip those kinds of thoughts in the bud. I wouldn't even get into the conversation about whether it's appropriate to text a colleague or not since it's so patently ridiculous.

He needs to know that it's not going to be possible for you to alter your behaviour in a way that makes him feel secure since this is always going to be a moving target. His insecurity comes from inside himself and this is where it needs dealt with. I really applaud your tactic of rolling your eyes but perhaps you need to actually point out to him that he's doing it again.

CBT might also be worth looking at.

safetydepositboxlondon

You are right to be upset especially if you are not the one who messed around before it was his ex! So he should trust you. Not every person is the same. It doesn't mean that his ex cheated you will cheat too

BugglyB

How are things with you op?