Jealous Partner

masonsmum

Morning

Have any of you had to deal with a jealous partner and how do you overcome this!

I felt my Oh and I have a very good relationship, we have 2 small boys and a generally good lifestyle. However when I first met him I noticed he could be quite jealous and he explained this was due to his ex messing him about, but after reassurance I told him that wasnt going to happen this time around.

So we go to the wedding of one of the guys I work with on Sat (I run the office for a small building contractor so its only me and 9 guys) arrive at the wedding and as pre arranged I text one of the guys (who was coming with his wife) that I was there first and would keep seats.

never thought anything more of it but now last night my OH says it "has been eating him up" because I text the guy and "why do I feel the need to text a married man and what is going on"

I am totally dumbfounded and was so upset I just went straight to bed, he doesnt think he has said anything wrong said he wasnt insinuating anything and why am I being horrible towards him?

I give him no reason to think I would do anything untoward, I love him and our family, never go out without him, work hard and look after our boys!
I am overreacting being so upset, any advice please folks??

euronorris

No, I don't think you're overreacting. I would be upset too, as he has no reason not to trust you.

I think you need to explain that what you did was perfectly innocent, so there was no need for questions like that. Him asking those questions does suggest to you that he thinks that something *might* be going on, and therefore doesn't trust you. In effect, he's still punishing for you for his exes mistakes and that is not on.

This is an issue that he needs to work on, and by all means you can be there for him, be supportive etc, but he has to start working on his trust issues.

BugglyB

You poor thing. I can see why you are upset. I would frame it to him as 'I am upset because you are questioning my integrity when you have no reason to'.

Other than that I would treat it as if one of your sons had asked whether you love another child more than him - 'don't be so ridiculous, I don't want to hear another word about it'.

Acc72

BugglyB wrote: »

Other than that I would treat it as if one of your sons had asked whether you love another child more than him - 'don't be so ridiculous, I don't want to hear another word about it'.

"Don't be so ridiculous, why do you think that?" may be more constructive.

euronorris

BugglyB wrote: »

Other than that I would treat it as if one of your sons had asked whether you love another child more than him - 'don't be so ridiculous, I don't want to hear another word about it'.

Good idea. That's the approach I took with my OH in the past. He was also badly hurt by an ex, so had trust issues. But whenever he would question something, I'd say 'Of course not. Don't be so silly. You have to stop this and start trusting me.'. It seems to have worked, over time.

There is an occasional comment still. Usually when I've gone to a fan convention. He seems to think that the gorgeous actors, despite having drop dead gorgeous wives with them, with bodies to die for, would want to run off with little old me. Which is both kinda flattering and utterly ridiculous at the same time. So I just laugh at that one and say 'Yeah, I had an orgy with all 5 of them. We taped it, check it out on youtube. And their wives didn't mind at all. They joined in!' and roll my eyes. That seems to make him laugh and then apologise. He just needs reminding sometimes that it's him I love, and he's being a bit silly!

Person_one

Males make up about 50% of the population, surely he doesn't expect you to never communicate with any of them except him?

fluffnutter

Whilst it's tempting to reassure him, remember that this is his problem. His reaction is unacceptable and he needs to realise that. The problem comes when it becomes your job to continually appease him and reassure him that you're faithful and behaving well. This is a dangerous situation to get into.

He needs to deal with this and the way to do so is for him to get his feelings and worries into perspective without constantly pressuring you to reassure him of your fidelity. If he can't do this alone, then he should seek some counselling.

Jealousy, and the controlling behaviour that can accompany it, destroys relationships.

BugglyB

Acc72 wrote: »

"Don't be so ridiculous, why do you think that?" may be more constructive.

Perhaps, but framing the question like that guarentees an answer which is likely to be about the OPs behaviour rather than the real reasons which are her partners own insecurities.

BugglyB

fluffnutter wrote: »

Whilst it's tempting to reassure him, remember that this is his problem. His reaction is unacceptable and he needs to realise that. The problem comes when it becomes your job to continually appease him and reassure him that you're faithful and behaving well. This is a dangerous situation to get into.

He needs to deal with this and the way to do so is for him to get his feelings and worries into perspective without constantly pressuring you to reassure him of your fidelity. If he can't do this alone, then he should seek some counselling.

Jealousy, and the controlling behaviour that can accompany it, destroys relationships.

:T

Exactly.

daska

If he wasn't insinuating anything then he wouldn't have even mentioned the fact the guy was married. I did the same as Euronorris and played up what might have happened to make it very obviously ridiculous. But... while we're separated now, what worked wonders in terms of trust was getting DS2's dad to attend anger management classes - it may seem a bit of a leap but the fact he's jealous is because he's still hanging on to emotions related to events in his previous relationship/s. Learning to be a little more dispassionate and take a step back when he feels the anger building may help him as well. (We're working on the 'separated' bit at the moment.)

euronorris

It might also be worth having a frank and open chat about what kind of things you both find unacceptable, and what things are perfectly acceptable. He might not be comfortable with some of the perfectly acceptable, but that is where you can point out that it IS acceptable, and he will have to learn to trust you on those.

The reason I say this is, because at the start of our relationship my OH was concerned that when I went out I would be sitting on other guys laps! That is because his ex would do it routinely, and she didn't consider it a problem, but my OH was very upset by it. He thought I would be the same, but I'm not. Not everyone will agree with me, but I think that is inappropriate behaviour when you're in a relationship so I would never do it anyway.

We had an in depth discussion of what we both found acceptable, and what we didn't after that, and I think it went a long way in helping him to understand that I was a completely different person to his ex and that he didn't have anything to worry about. And the same for me - I had my own trust issues thanks to an ex partner.