Jealous Partner

duchy

Frankly for me if a "don't be daft" didn't settle it I would (and thinking about it have) shown him the door. For me without trust there is no partnership and if a partner doesn't trust me then it's over.

mgdavid

fluffnutter wrote: »

Whilst it's tempting to reassure him, remember that this is his problem. .........

eh? if a couple is a true partnership then it's both their problem; the OP can help fix it better than him fixing it on his own. Take your had out of the sand and consider if the roles were reversed (yes I know women often can't understand how men think, but please try). It might just have been part of the chatter between any couple for you to mention that you were keeping places for this other couple, and that you were texting them when you were on the way. If you see a situation developing which might cause an issue, manage the situation, simples!

larmy16

Let's hope he shows a bit more sympathy when you display some of your flaws. I feel sorry for the guy. So he is a bit insecure. Since when was that a crime?

Would it really kill you to give him some reassurance? Insecurity and jealousy are very painful emotions and if you love him, you will want to help him overcome his troubles with trusting.

It sounds as if overall you two have a great relationship. So have a good chat with him. One day you might have cause to feel a little jealousy if he chats to an attractive woman. Will you be reassured if he stomps off to bed and leaves you feeling awful?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Perhaps next time he'd prefer you to text a single man?


This sort of stuff would happen to me until I finally snapped and told him quite clearly that I was fed up with him insinuating I was a bit of a slapper and if he couldn't handle me speaking to another human being occasionally, then he needed to rethink his position.

Strange how that focused his mind far more than all the previous years of fannying around trying to reassure the poor dear.


(BTW, in my case, he is an incorrigible flirt - usually with older ladies. I find it funny and a bit sweet. No jealousy there, even when he talks with someone nearer his age.)

londonsurrey

My experience of jealous partners is that ironically, they are the ones more likely to cheat.

I have yet to determine if they're jealous precisely because they know they would, and can see the opportunities so very clearly and what they would do in those opportunities, or if it's a bit of a smokescreen, as by attacking their partner, the partner is so busy reassuring them that they don't look askance at the accusing partner.

At the moment, I suspect it's an instinctive combination, and not done deliberately except by a minority of cheating/would-cheat partners.

January20

larmy16 wrote: »

Let's hope he shows a bit more sympathy when you display some of your flaws. I feel sorry for the guy. So he is a bit insecure. Since when was that a crime?

Would it really kill you to give him some reassurance? Insecurity and jealousy are very painful emotions and if you love him, you will want to help him overcome his troubles with trusting.

It sounds as if overall you two have a great relationship. So have a good chat with him. One day you might have cause to feel a little jealousy if he chats to an attractive woman. Will you be reassured if he stomps off to bed and leaves you feeling awful?

No having a go at you, but have you ever had a partner who was jealous? Back in the 80s, I went out with a guy for a couple of years, lived with him and it turned out he was very jealous. You cannot imagine the stress it puts you under when you live with someone like that. I used to work in adult education in those days and finished mid-evening. If I missed the train and was home even only 10-15 minutes late, I would suffer (mentally not physically). I used to even run home so as not to be late. I gave him no reasons to be jealous either. No amount of reassurance changed anything either.

londonsurrey wrote: »

My experience of jealous partners is that ironically, they are the ones more likely to cheat.

I have yet to determine if they're jealous precisely because they know they would, and can see the opportunities so very clearly and what they would do in those opportunities, or if it's a bit of a smokescreen, as by attacking their partner, the partner is so busy reassuring them that they don't look askance at the accusing partner.

I would agree with the first part of your post as this is what happened eventually. The guy I mentioned above ended up with one of my "friends" behind my back. I was more gutted at losing her than him though. Losing him was a relief to be honest as life was so hard with his jealousy.

That was my first thought when reading the OP: What is he up to? What has he nearly done? Or done? But reading about his ex, it could just be that.

My tactics with a jealous guy now would be to be really firm from the onset. It's not the OP's fault that his ex cheated on him and he shouldn't tarnish all women with the same brush. I don't think any amount of reassurance will help. I think a stronger approach, explaining what strain he puts her under and what he risks losing will probably be better in the long run.

Just_a_Girl_2

From past experience, I've found those that are extremely jealous are often judging other people by their own standards...

larmy16

January20 wrote: »

No having a go at you, but have you ever had a partner who was jealous? Back in the 80s, I went out with a guy for a couple of years, lived with him and it turned out he was very jealous. You cannot imagine the stress it puts you under when you live with someone like that. I used to work in adult education in those days and finished mid-evening. If I missed the train and was home even only 10-15 minutes late, I would suffer (mentally not physically). I used to even run home so as not to be late. I gave him no reasons to be jealous either. No amount of reassurance changed anything

I quite understand what you are describing as being a nightmare situation - how on earth did you take it for a couple of years? That is out and out control and you must get away from these types of people.

No, It is just that the OP did not seem to be describing such an intense experience, just that occasionally her partner got a bit insecure and jealous.

If that is the only real problem in their relationship, then it seems worth trying to work it out. Of course if he is trying to stop her living her life, having friends or speaking to members of the opposite sex, constantly, then that is a different matter.

scooby088

OP you can give all the reassurances in the world to a jealous person but they are only words, it's not your fault and I would suggest that your OH should seek help from a therapist to deal with his jealous and insecurity.

thehappybutterfly

I was extremely jealous of other women when I first got together with my hubby. I'd never been cheated on before but I have very low self esteem and it was much much worse 18 years ago. I'd not long got out of a really bad relationship (violence and verbal abuse) and my confidence was at an all time low.

When my hubby went out with the boys, I would make myself ill imagining all sorts of shenanigans. I'd sit at home feeling and sometimes being sick, I wouldn't be able to sleep until he got home and then the questions would start. I never accused him of seeing other women - he just wasn't like that, that's not what worried me. I was just so terrified that he would meet and fall in love with someone else and realise that he didn't love me. Or that he'd get himself in a tricky situation with a woman and she'd kiss him. Or that he'd be egged on by his mates to go off with a woman. I never thought he'd ever go out with the intention of cheating on me - just that he'd meet someone else, someone better than me, and decide he didn't want me any more.

It took years before I was convinced. He never did anything to make me feel bad, he never wound me up etc. We had a ritual where I would say to him before he went out "please don't meet anyone else!" and he would say "Never. I love you and I don't want anyone else". Of course, it would be very easy just to say the words and not mean them but it made me feel better. And it worked.

If your OH has trust issues, and is questioning some of your actions, please be gentle with him. He will get better. As long as he's not out and out accusing you of messing around with other blokes - that's different. If he's just worried and needs some reassurances from you that you love him and you're not interested in other men, is that really too much to ask?