Awful situation - Help

pepper33

This happened to a friend of mine, her husband left her with two young children, and went off to find himself. She paid the mortgage and brought up the two children. He then wanted a divorce,and he got 49 per cent of the house, she sold it, and declared herself homeless, and got a house quite quickly, and is very happy, and is just trying to put it behind her. He is still miserable, because even his children, or his own mum and dad, dont talk to him. You will be ok, as long as you ask for help, its there, if you can have the courage to ask for it.

Wickedkitten

Is it a joint bank account? I don't see how he could possibly block you from having access to the funds if it is.

Buddylove

I've moved house to be closer to my family to get additional support as things are so tough. There was no support network near the house we bought as i had no time to establish any and it was a completely new area. Where I am now is close to my mum and all my old school friends who all have young families. I've had more visitors in a couple of weeks than i did in the 4 months i was in the old property. But I have used all my savings to pay for a 6 month rental in advance to settle my children and I am not receiving any child maintenance as I have agreed that will be my mortgage contribution whilst the house is sold, so I am paying for two properties currently with no additional income other than statutory maternity pay. He is demanding I send him a cheque for the outstanding payment as he says he has paid me. He has, but it's sat in an account no-one can access and I don't have £1500 to send him. He has said he will take any equity when the house is sold to cover this payment - there isn't much as we were in it such a short time and need to pay back an enormous house improvement loan. I get e-mails or texts most days telling me what I should or should not be doing, as well as solicitor letters. My solicitor has told me she will not respond to them as it will cost me a lot of money and is pointless. I know it's a process many people go through, but I'm very concerned a court will let him have everything he wants with regard to the children and finances because I may not be able to afford to be represented and I will be left with nothing. My children are the only thing keeping me going, and it's hard to shield them from all of this because he affects me so much every time my phone goes off and is diverting precious time away from both of them, but especially my newborn baby. He has never been controlling or cruel in the time I was with him, but his recent behaviour has been off the wall. I've had no sleep again last night feeding and my other child has chickenpox and I feel like my head has been detached from my body this morning. It's the third night in a row of no sleep. I don't know how to get through this in one piece. But I will to ensure my children have the best future they can.

Thegirl

Hi

Sorry you are going through this.

Your husband is going through some kind of breakdown. He is taking this out on you because he is choosing to blame you for anything he perceives as going wrong in his life. The only thing that you can do is look after you and your children. Whilst he is lashing out at you, you will be unable to help him and any responses from you will likely fan the flames. (I speak as the friend of a guy who had a massive mental breakdown. He was utterly vile to his wife and ignored his children for two years. I made sure he was safe during this time, but every conversation I had with him about his wife ended with 'but if I was her friend I would be calling you all the names under the sun, you're being a d**k'. It is not your job to look after him, your job is looking after yourself and your children).

Things you need to do:

Contact your bank with the joint bank account, in writing-possibly worth popping into the branch to find out who is best to write to ect, and advise them nothing is to happen on this account without both parties signatures. Then forget about any money in there.

Open up a separate bank account in a different banking group (such as one with the co-op). Get your child benefit and other benefits paid in there.

Contact your mortgage comany and explain the issue is full including children's ages your current income. They have a department who deal with these cases and will best advise you.

Contact the CSA and put in a claim straight away.

Check your entitlement to benefits. There will be some you can claim (no experience here myself, but this is what they are for so there must be).


Ignore his threats about taking more of the house or anything else. He doesn't get to decide what you get.

Actually, ignore him full stop. Nothing that he says will be of any benefit for you to hear. Tell him to divert all contact via your solicitor, who by the sounds of things is being very kind in filtering his contact at the moment.

You need to look after you. You've moved, given birth, separated, moved and then had your husband behaving like a complete and total d''k. That is a lot for anyone to deal with and with all that stress plus all of those lovely and sometimes irrational hormones to deal with you are lucky you still know what day of the week it is!

If you need to vent, you are more than welcome to personal message me.

ladymarmalade222

Just wanting to let you know you will get through this.

I was in a very similar situation where we moved into a derilict house when I was pregnant and started the long slog working on it while living in the bedroom. Unfortunately I spent most of my pregnancy in hospital (over 5mths) due to my existing health problems which put a strain on me and my ex. After the little one was born he was unwell from day one and we were still living in a buidling site, I was embarrassed when the health visitor called.

Unfortunately my son was diagnosed with a life threatening illness and I spent months on end in hospital yet again, awaiting chemotherapy when he was well enough.

One day my ex said he was not happy (I had been in hospital for 4 mths at this point without going home) and wanted to call it a day, he had changed the locks and alarm number on the house so I was not welcome back. I was shellshocked, a nurse came in to tell me my son could soon go home until his tranplant as they would be training me on his IV meds to do a home (taking 16hrs a day) and I just burst in tears, where would I go?

Anyway I cried a bit then thought I needed to sort this situation out. With help from my sister I found a rented house and started from scratch with absolutely nothing! The first night in my new home was wonderful, I realised what I could do without asking for permission (like what I could watch on TV) due to his controlling ways. I then got into a routine doing his meds and then going through two Bone Marrow Transplants with lots of chemo. It was difficult I cannot lie, but I look at him everynight and he is still here. I can cope with anything now, bring it on!!

Fast forward 7 years, I am in my own home, a settled family life and I am happy.

Sometimes things happen for a reason and it may feel awful at the moment, take everday at a time and you will get there. Enjoy your precious children and give them enough love and attention for both Mum and Dad.

Good Luck

xxxxx

Racheldevon

Another avenue of support available to you is your local sure start children's centre, who will have a team of family support workers who can assist you alongside other agencies in the situation you describe. Their services are free providing you have at least 1 child under 5, and every community has access to their services.

DS4215

Does he earn significantly more than you at the moment? If so, why not consult one of the debt charities (CCCS, etc) who can give you better advice, but you cannot pay out what you cannot afford. Your rent and food are priorities, followed by bills (C Tax first) and the debts are last. That is what the mortgage and loan are.

Perhaps if you were to inform the lenders that you could only afford minimum payments, and your husband now lives at x address they will start chasing him. Also, as others have said set the CSA on him.

Buddylove

Thank you so much for this - truly inspirational. It puts my situation in context and knowing there are other women who have come through this is such a support. I am determined not to be a victim of this and to ensure I have the life I deserve eventually, but sometimes it hard to convince myself of that on the hard days. Today is a hard day, because I have been bombarded with texts, e-mails and phone calls these last few days with a very poorly child and newborn. But reading all of the supportive replies shows I am not going mad, he is unhinged and sadly punishing his beautiful children to get to me by jeopardising my financial future. I have a plan of what to do and the first thing will be the CSA and benefits, as well as sorting out separate bank accounts and speaking to companies again, or even writing to them. Thank you so much for your kind message and words of wisdom.

ItchyFeet

Change your phone number / phone so that he cannot continue to harrass you this way. Give the number to your family, solicitor and anybody else that is important - but not to mutual friends / acquaintances that might be tempted to pass it on.

puppypants

Just sending you a big (((HUG))), 'cos I think you deserve one. XX

I brought up 3 children with no financial assistance from what I call the sperm donor! It can be done.

Much love x