Awful situation - Help

Buddylove

I'm not sure if anyone can help me with this, but I am at my wit's end trying to sort it.

Just to give a bit of background - I moved into a house in February this year with my husband and toddler. I was heavily pregnant with our second child. We knew the house needed work, but the surveys we had conducted suggested we could do it over time. When we moved in, things started to go wrong - really wrong. We made the difficult chioce to have the work done, and borrowed additional money through an unsecured loan, as we were at the limit of the mortgage. We re-plumbed, re-wired, ripped out the kitchen, bathroom and had a new central heating system put in all at the same time. To save money we tried to live in this situation, with no flushing toilets, a make shift cold tap in the kitchen, no bath or sinks. It was an incredibly stressful time.

When our baby was 3 weeks old, my husband left us, saying he wanted his freedom and a new life. There is no-one else. It has been a living hell ever since. He has had a complete personaility transplant and I have no idea who I am dealing with anymore. Professional healthcare workers, like my health visitor has said his behaviour is so appaling, I need to stop all contact with him to try and recover. I have moved house again to be closer to family and in doing so, have lost an amazing job, my home and all financial security. I also moved because he refused to pay the mortgage (even though he could afford it and the rent of a friend's spare room). I have said I will forgo the child maintainence as my contribution to the mortgage as I am on maternity leave and now on an income of £400. He said he would pay the mortgage payments until the house is sold.

My problem is he paid the mortgage money into our account in July, and then placed a block on the current account just before the mortgage payment was due. He is using finances as a tactic to get to me which is why he has done it. I have tried everything to lift the block, but I am unable to alone. The money is sat in our current account, but no-one can get to it. I have e-mailed him, text him, with no response other than to demand I send him a cheque for the money. My concern is I will be in rented accomodation indefinately, and need to house 2 very small children. This will require a credit check. Up until now my credit rating has been impeccable, but we are now in mortgage arrears by one month and I have received 2 letters to date asking for the money. He is renting from a friend and therefore will not be subject to credit checks, so doesn't care about bad credit. I have contacted my bank and the mortgage company to tell them my situation, but they are still insistent July's payment has to be made to protect my credit score.

I don't know what to do - does anyone have any suggestions?

cheepskate_2

No help.....but is he maybe suffering from depression if he is so different from normal, what with the financial problems you were having, all the work on the house and your hormones with being preggers.
Could you maybe suggest he goes to his doc for help

Echo_Zulu

Hey. I didn't want to read and run, but I don't have anything useful to add except that although things seem horrendous right now, you will get through this. You've taken the right steps by moving somewhere with a strong support network and it sounds like you're committed to getting through this for the sake of your children.

Your husband sounds like a bit of an !!!! and I can only hope karma comes back around to hit him where it hurts. I can't believe he can walk out on his family and intentionally screw over his wife in this way. He's no man at all and he's done you a favour in the long run by removing himself from your life.

Good luck with everything - big hugs! XxX

alwaysonthego_2

You need to get legal advice asap. Are you claiming all the benefits you are entitled to? Have you contacted the mortgage company to explain what is happening?

It isn't a good situation to be in, but if you get legal advice and keep everyone informed on your current situation, you may be able to sort some of the mess out.

Buddylove

I've tried that!! He says there is absolutely nothing wrong with him and it is me who is at fault. A male friend of his witnessed one of our conversations; I explained I couldn't afford the mortgage and be able to feed our children, he said it was my tough luck. At that point he would have been prepared for his children to go without food, but there is nothing wrong with him!! His mate said afterwards he was totally demented and completely unreasonable. The bank stunt is just one example of what he has put me through. He told me as I can't see him, he should see our eldest child on her birthday, but I could go out!! I've been with him 9 years, he hasn't had an affair, and until he walked out I had no idea his feelings had changed. I have no idea what has happened and he is in total denial. Our friends are astounded at his behaviour.

alwaysonthego_2

Buddylove wrote: »

I've tried that!! He says there is absolutely nothing wrong with him and it is me who is at fault. A male friend of his witnessed one of our conversations; I explained I couldn't afford the mortgage and be able to feed our children, he said it was my tough luck. At that point he would have been prepared for his children to go without food, but there is nothing wrong with him!! His mate said afterwards he was totally demented and completely unreasonable. The bank stunt is just one example of what he has put me through. He told me as I can't see him, he should see our eldest child on her birthday, but I could go out!! I've been with him 9 years, he hasn't had an affair, and until he walked out I had no idea his feelings had changed. I have no idea what has happened and he is in total denial. Our friends are astounded at his behaviour.

I think you need to try and stop trying to analyse why his behaviour has changed as this is not going to help you. For some unknown reason his behaviour has changed for the worse and there is nothing you can do. All you can do is move forward by doing practical steps and leaning on the people who do care.

Yorkie1

I agree that you need to get some advice pronto. It sounds an awful situation for you to be in.

CAB may well be the best people to try, given that you've got a range of issues to work through financially.

Have you set up a new bank account for your own benefits or any other income to go into / out of? That might be worth investigating.

I assume that nobody can lend you the money for July's payment?

I'd also go over to the Debt Free Wannabee board (or ask for this thread to be moved over there) because there will be experts there who will have some more suggestions, I suspect.

Good luck.

Buddylove

That's what my friends say. It's just so confusing and I've moved twice in 5 months, pre and post natel. I'm so sleep deprived too, it doesn't help. But you are right, I need to move forward for my children and stop analysing what he has or hasn't done. It what I do now for my kids that is important. Just never rented so no idea how bad credit affects your ability to rent.

raven83

cheepskate wrote: »

No help.....but is he maybe suffering from depression if he is so different from normal, what with the financial problems you were having, all the work on the house and your hormones with being preggers.
Could you maybe suggest he goes to his doc for help

I was thinking similar, maybe he has had a breakdown, that would explain why he changed into an unrecognizable person in a short space of time.

Sambucus_Nigra

He isn't going to be at his friend's forever so will need good credit some time - and if money is owing to a bank and there is money in another account, they take it, block or no block.

I think you need to prepare yourself for repossession at some point, and if he comes to his senses then it will be an added bonus.

So, stop - catch your breath - and start to make plans. New bank account is the first step tomorrow, get everything changed over and do not respond to him right now. It's a power thing and he knows that's the only hold he has on you. So shrug your shoulders and 'whatever' him a bit.

alwaysonthego_2

raven83 wrote: »

I was thinking similar, maybe he has had a breakdown, that would explain why he changed into an unrecognizable person in a short space of time.

The husband has to acknowledge that he has a problem and that is behaviour is having an impact on his family he is in the pre-contemplation stage