Awful situation - Help

Mojisola

Buddylove wrote: »

I have said I will forgo the child maintainence as my contribution to the mortgage as I am on maternity leave and now on an income of £400. He said he would pay the mortgage payments until the house is sold.

My problem is he paid the mortgage money into our account in July, and then placed a block on the current account just before the mortgage payment was due. He is using finances as a tactic to get to me which is why he has done it.

He's not paying the mortgage so you need to get a case started with the CSA straight away. At least if you have some money coming in you will be able to offer the mortgage company something.

Also make sure you are claiming everything you're entitled to.

Ask for, and accept, help from family and friends to get you and the children through this very difficult time.

Buddylove

Thank you all so much. I have a great solicitor who has refused to respond to all his letters because it will cost me money I don't have. I have no idea what benefits I could get as I'm just trying to get through the day to day. My little girl has had so many transitions I'm just trying to minimise the emotional backlash on her - she's moved twice, endured weeks of building work, had a baby sister arrive and daddy leave. I have moved mountains to ensure she has a new home, a great nursery and is happy. Thank goodness my other little girl is a baby and oblivious. He has sent an e-mail tonight saying if I do not send him the mortgage money he will take a greater share of the money when the house is sold. Problem is, we were in it such a short time there is no equity and the mortgage payment is just say in an account that no-one can get to. It is an insane situation. Just hope the house sells quickly and the mortgage just gets paid off. You have all been so supportive. I've never been on benefits, but will look into that and talk to the bank and mortgage company again. Thank you all.

Caroline_a

Ignore his email. Go straight to CSA and start a claim, and follow your solicitor's lead by ignoring the threats. He doesn't get to decide how much money you get from the house sale, the courts do, and as you have the children you will probably get a higher % than he will. Let your solicitor deal with things from now on, and then go for costs.

Lexxi

Hi, I didn;t want to read and run either, I'm so sorry to hear of your situation.
I agree with the advice not to dwell on his behaviour or what he may be thinking however I know it is easier said than done. Could you contact marriagecare for some emotional support? It is couples counselling but they will see you alone, they also have a helpine. I just think that with there being so much going on for you someone to talk to might lift some pressure.
It's a charity so you contribute what you can afford or like I said there is the helpline.
They were able to sort out an appointment pretty quickly for me

krlyr

If you have offered to forgoe CSA payments instead of a mortgage contribution and he's doing this, I would file for the CSA - even if it's just to hand it straight back to him. You can then say that you're giving him his contribution, even if it's just handing him "his" money right back. Puts you in the same financial position as you are without the CSA but it will make him appear the unreasonable one on paper/in court.

gallygirl

Didn't want to read and run without trying to be of some help in what sounds like a nightmare scenario for you.

Re renting, have a read here about rent guarantee schemes which should help you get a property without a deposit. Re the credit search, I rent out houses and have never done a search on anyone, I go by a personal recommendation and gut instinct. Try the local paper, gumtree etc for privately organised tenancies. All is not lost.

I hope all works out for you.

gg x

Seanymph

You are in no position to negotiate anything on your (and your children's) behalf.

Breathe in and out, slowly.

There is a calculator here;

http://www.turn2us.org.uk/benefits_search.aspx

Your children need maintenance, he is their father - that isn't optional, and he needs to support his children financially. Go to the CSA

http://www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

and lodge your claim. He is not honouring anything, he is in no position to make 'agreements' with you - and you are doing your children and yourself a disservice if you continue to focus on HIM, and what is wrong with HIM, and what HE wants.

You need to start drawing up a list of what you and the children need.

You need money, a home, food, support........ and you have to sort that out.

So, claim through the CSA. You can do nothing about the mortgage payment, and you shouldn't have to pay it anyway - he's playing power games, don't buy into them or he'll do it for longer.

Take advice, write, recorded delivery and keep a copy to the mortgage company, and the bank - explain what has happened - give them his address.

Open a new account, get any child benefit, tax credits, other benefits paid into that - give that to the CSA to pay your maintenance into.

This time will pass, but you will have a lot less regret if you start looking out for you and yours and don't count him in that group.

clearingout

raven83 wrote: »

I was thinking similar, maybe he has had a breakdown, that would explain why he changed into an unrecognizable person in a short space of time.

no - it's guilt. It's 'I've done a dreadful thing, I know I've done a dreadful thing but for whatever reason, I'm unable to go back so I just move forward, re-writing history to make my version of what is happening 'The Truth' and everyone else can go to hell'. Unfortunately, it's a particularly bad case of it.

OP - I could go on all day about what happened to me but it'd take you a week to read and probably bore you silly! Just know that this is more common than you'd think - have a look on www.wikivorce.com and within minutes, you will realise you're not alone (which for me was an enormous help). He's not depressed, not having a breakdown, he's just cut his losses and feels bad about it. You can't do anything about it so move forwards.

You may need to file for divorce and make an application for Maintenance Pending Suit at the same time. Unfortunately, this doens't always work with the more extreme cases (which yours seems to be - sorry) and court orders go ignored or half adhered to. However, it sounds like your solicitor is sensible (which is half the battle) so do talk to him/her about your options.

You are sleep deprived, hormonal and having to deal with the emotional side of being abandonned (because that is what this is) at the same time. Don't be hard on yourself. Take it a day at a time and just get through it. Please take heart that so many of us have been there, done that, and we survive and bounce back given a bit of a time - even if our credit is knackered and we feel emotionally battered! Most of us eventually say it was the best thing that ever happened - and frankly hun, it doesn't help to hear it but I'll say it anyway - you are soooooo much better off without this man in your life. Limit contact with him as much as you can to give yourself some time to recover. He will try anything and everything to make himself feel better - this will include making you cry, confusing you, upsetting you. He won't be reasonable and he will play games with you. You need to try and protect yourself from this - and the easiest way of doing that is curtailing contact as best you can.

Benefits are designed for exactly this kind of situation - they are a fall back position and you are entitled to the help. Claim what you are entitled to as at least then you know exactly what your bottom line is and how much you have to play with -it took me 3 months to claim everything.... so do that today - you'll be entitled to Income Support, child tax credits and council tax benefit as well as housing benefit when you work that out. You will also get healthy start vouchers and free prescriptions and free school meals so don't delay as it all helps.

FatVonD

I've no experience of these sort of things so please all feel free to shoot me down in flames if I'm offering bad advice, but...


I can see the benefits of being nearer family but if the house is currently empty could you not move back in and be in a position to be housed by the local authority if and when the house is repossessed (if he is going to continue to not pay the mortgage)?

amus

I dont think you will be able to get Income Support if you are still in receipt of Maternity pay however you should be entitled to the highest rate of Tax Credits if you have no other income coming in (I think its about £60 per child) so you need to get in touch with them. They usually go on last years income but if you tell them its an emergency I believe they can look at your circumstances as they are now. You also need to get in touch with your council as you will be entitled to Housing Benefit and Coucil Tax Benefit. As others have said I would also get on the phone to the CSA ASAP.