Friend Dilemma

raven83

lostinrates wrote: »

Well.

I have been in this situation and cut my firend soff too. I am a different looking and different acting person than befre i was ill, and tbh i understand their misgivings. Its not nice, but they have lost the friend i was, and i suppose there is a sort of a mourning in that just as there is a mourning from me for the person i was, would be. Similarly I am afraid i no longer speak to sopmeone who i care for deeply because i was stretched emotionally to capacity and found their reliance on me during their mental illness unsupoortable. This was not an easy decision, and i still feel uneasy about it, but i sipmply could not be what they wanted form me, and fou d the whole situation difficult emotionally and was having negative impact on my health.



If i were in your shoes i would open the box. What is in it might change the decision i thought i had made. Or it might confirm it and take some of the unease over the decision.

Edit, to be clear i have both been cut off and cut off due to ill health...

I agree a lot with this post, I would open it because if you don't you will always wonder what it was and what have you got to lose by opening it.

I've had a friend who I no longer had anything to do with for a number of reasons, she was a very part of my life and I did love her dearly but circumstances and her controlling behaviour over me became too much and it become a big web of lies and got really messed up. But if she was to send me something now I would open it as it would bug me if I didn't but it wouldn't influence my decision to talk to her again, she had her chance, and she ****** it up, as sad as it is, I just cannot forgive her again. OP, ultimately the decision is yours but I would open it because otherwise you will never know what it was, and maybe your friend is truly sorry for the way she has treated you and this could be her way of saying it.

jayII

Molly41 wrote: »

Some of you might remember that I posted a thread about difficulties I was having with a very old friend.

She lives in Germany and I see her once a year. However I was quite hurt a few months ago as she came to England and didnt get in touch. Well after getting some very good advice here - I tackled her about it and as it turns out in a very honest response - she did not get in touch because she cannot bear to look at me or see me :eek:

Im very changed to how i was - my illness has taken it's toll but I try to dress nicely and make an effort with my hair and nails. Purely selfish on her part she admits. No empathy for me really, no understanding just stuff about her and how difficult life has been. I have known she is like this all our friendship and made many allowances over the years but to have it so blatantly in your face really hurt.

Anyhow I made the decision (very hard) to end the friendship which she took badly and blamed it on me - well my mental health. I requested that she did not send anymore gifts or cards as it was pretty meaningless. Today a parcel arrives from her for my birthday in a few days time. No other contact in the meantime.

Im stressing about this parcel as I dont know what to do. I had made my decision about the friendship and was coming to terms with it. I would like to ask what you would think and do?
Many thanks and kind regards x

Do you actually want this friend back in your life, on any terms?

It sounds like the 'friendship' has brought you more stress and pain, than any sort of happiness, for many years. It may be harsh but I would say you're well out of it.

Open the parcel if you're curious but give it away if you're not. If you'd feel better returning it to sender then do that, either unopened or with a 'please do not contact me again' note inside.

I think you need to do what feels best for you, this person does not deserve your consideration.

gallygirl

Open it. With any luck it will be valuable - flog it on ebay and buy yourself something really nice with the money .

Oh and

Molly41

jayII wrote: »

Do you actually want this friend back in your life, on any terms?

It sounds like the 'friendship' has brought you more stress and pain, than any sort of happiness, for many years. It may be harsh but I would say you're well out of it.

Open the parcel if you're curious but give it away if you're not. If you'd feel better returning it to sender then do that, either unopened or with a 'please do not contact me again' note inside.

I think you need to do what feels best for you, this person does not deserve your consideration.

Thankyou for ALL your kind responses x

My "friend" is English but thinks in German and often cannot find the right words in English. She is a naturalised? German now.

This post and Raven's sums up my feelings just perfectly and what I will do.
I will get my husband to open the box and read the contents. I trust him implicitly to do the right thing. He admitted that he nearly "lost" the box when he took delivery of it.

Again some very sound advice which is much appreciated:T

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Thinking in German words is absolutely nothing to do with saying mean and hurtful things to you - even more so when she's started her life over here and WOULD know better.


TBH, that sort of phrasing is more used by spiteful spouses justifying their affairs/abusing their partners than between 'friends'. In fact 'I can't bear to look at you' is pretty much textbook emotional abuse.



There may be an apology in there. That doesn't mean you have to accept it. Or respond to it. But in the same way, it could also be a diet book or something equally spiteful.

Or a book that claims a new diet (eg, eating paleo, as that's the newest trend) can help cure your illnesses. Which is possibly meant in a nice way, but still doesn't help as it could still be suggesting it's all your fault and you just need to eat less (can you tell I've heard all those things before myself?).


Treat it as one of the free gifts that come with a magazine. If you want to keep it, do. If you don't want to, chuck it/donate it/don't think about it for another moment. You've already recycled the magazine in the bin where she belongs, just have to decide whether you want to keep the violet handled mini whisk that was sellotaped on the front cover.



(but I am [strike]nosey[/strike] curious to know what she has sent)

londonsurrey

I've had about a decade of dealing with unwanted letters/"gifts"(rubbish that she was chucking out, some actually stained and dirty) from my mother.

There are several stages:
- At the beginning, there is a glimmer of hope. They may say something to put it all right, so you get the note and contents checked.


- Second stage - it becomes apparent that they really are as bad as you think. Options for responses - keep quiet, and they may keep coming, or email/text them that they've been explicitly told NOT to send anything, and any further items will be put straight in the bin/charity box. Most normal people would stop at this stage.

If she keeps sending you stuff, she's very clearly doing it for herself and self image and it's all about her, her, her. If it's nice stuff that you like, you have the choice of keeping it with a mental thought of "Hah, sucker, I hate you" through to binning it or burning it or marking it "RETURN TO SENDER. STOP SENDING ME THIS C*** YOU DESPICABLE B****". Whatever works for you.


- Mad nutter stage - my mother continued to send me stuff, telling everyone how much it was costing her in postage, and then later after some convoluted stuff, demanded 40% of my house value. I took her to court. You shouldn't get to this stage, I was just illustrating the spectrum from "just one letter" to "nutter won't let go".

Molly41

Well today is my birthday and thank you for all the Happy B'Days:T

So opened the package and it was not a ticking time-bomb as my husband suggested. She had sent me a very strange gift - well I thought it was strange - but I suppose in some respects it shows how she does not really know me. I always spend a long time finding the right thing for her.

Anyway she sent me a piggy keyring and a piggy soft toy and some herbal teas. The pigs are apparently a sign of good luck in Germany and when I was 14 I did collect them for a couple of years. My nickname was Piggy then (for obvious reasons) and I kind of adopted pigs in a bid to reconcile myself to that nick name. However in reality I hated it very much. The herbal teas? Yuk would have loved some German chocolate, as usually given. I think this is response to a problem I am having with eating atm.

She did also tell me when she would be In England next (over bank holiday). I would like to see her but I just dont know. Dont really know what to think tbh?

Tish_P

Happy birthday!

No need to decide in a hurry whether to see her. Give it time. If you decide to be forgiving - which you're under no obligation to - then perhaps make your first meeting short and low-key, somewhere you can easily get away from. Maybe a cake at a cafe one afternoon, with your husband waiting not far away in case you need a hug afterwards (he sounds like a star by the way)?

It sounds from what you said about her gift that this friendship is more about the past than the future, though.

coolcait

duchy wrote: »

There's a world of difference between

You are so changed I can't bear to look at you

and

I do find it upsetting to see you so changed and I need some time to adjust.


The first is horrible....the second -well not ideal but honest and she obviously doesn't want the friendship to end so maybe what she meant was "I didn't visit this trip but by next year I'll have got my head around things and I'll be normal again"

I'd be checking for a letter in the parcel before writing her off completely.

I agree completely with this post. Lostinrates' post also gave a good perspective on what might lie behind this situation.

Edit - now caught up with the rest of the thread, and agree that there is no rush to decide how to deal with meeting/not meeting the friend when she visits the UK. Ultimately, it has to be down to what works best for you, OP.

londonsurrey

A belated Happy Birthday to you!