Mum tries to exclude me from my own children

belfastgirl23

it sounds like she wants contact with your children which in a way puts you in a powerful position. I reckon the next time she threatens to cut you off, you just make it clear to her that's it's your house your rules, and if she chooses to cut herself off that's her call. And keep saying it. Honestly she sounds like a bit of a bully to me and mostly when confronted they back down. Either she does back down in which case you've won, or she doesn't in which case you haven't lost. Both good as far as I can see.

System

It sounds an awful situation, but why is your OH not pulling her up for speaking to you in such a disrespectful manner?
It's very hard when you have overpowering relatives, but you have to nip this in the bud right now.

BitterAndTwisted

I wouldn't tolerate being treated in such a foul and disrespectful way, even if it meant having no further contact with her, ever.

Trying to poison her grandchildren's minds so brazenly is absolutely beyond the pale. Get this horrible woman out if your life once and for all.

Jinx

I'm sure a lot of us grew up with the 'my house, my rules' saying..... In this case I would be telling your mother OP that while shes in your house your rules apply and if she doesnt like it, leave!!

Yorkie1

green1970 wrote: »

How does your DH feel - can he see what she is doing too? If so, tackle her as a united front quite openly. A simple 'please don't try to undermine me in front of my children' every single time she does it and an 'I would like you to leave now' if she continues to do it, followed by escorting her to the front door. Hopefully, you can eventually discuss how you felt as a child and how that continues but her behaviour while in your house and in front of your children has to stop and you are strong enough to do that. Stay calm, say your piece and don't get involved in an argument so she has no-one to 'feud' with - what you say goes in your house. Get your DH to back you up completely if you falter.

Hope you can solve this.

I agree with many comments / suggestions on this thead, but this one the most.

Use the 'broken record' technique. Stay calm, do not get drawn into discussions, but have a few phrases that you use repeatedly until they register. 'Please don't undermine me in front of my children' is an excellent one. 'If you continue to undermine me in front of my children then I will ask you to leave' is the next one. 'You are not listening to me and I would like you to leave'. Followed finally by escorting her to the door.

If your OH doesn't understand and won't back you up it will be far harder, but at least it's your mum and not his.

pearl123

You need to make it clear that you wish to be treated with dignity and respect. Do not let yourself be treated otherwise. Make it clear that your mother will be shown the door if she even slightly cross over the line.

Make it clearly known that you won't have that old, unhealty, destructive behaviour around you or your children.

londonsurrey

BTW another thing that came up "at the end" that I wish I'd understood much earlier was just how much my mother had mentally decided that she owned everything that was mine, and that I had no right to anything:

After my husband died, and she'd tried to get me to sell my house (with her taking a big fat cut under the guise of "helping me"), I finally took her to court to get her to stay away from me.

When in court, she went on and on about how she was to be pitied because this wonderful son-in-law had died.

... hello? She was saying this, in front of the WIDOW. She was actually trying to claim more right to be in grief over me, who'd lost my husband!

The temerity of how she'd decided to take over everything is breathtaking.

Don't take any rubbish from your mother.

pearl123

OP - you could not do much about it when you were a child but you can now!!!

raq

big hugs to you.

My mom adores me and my little ones but sometimes really annoys me by just walking into my home. YOu can tell instantly when she "GET THEM ON HER". So annoying. She says little comments about my life and my other halfs life as she couldn,t get involved in my brothers as their wifes wouldn,t dare let her. Really gets to my other half and says he has no time for her. Comment this week to my eldest daughter was" YOur mum or so easy come easy go and one day you won,t have it". Welll if that day do come and I know not to turn to you. So cheeky.

I do sooo much for them and this is the repayment I get back.

better than eastenders really. lol

*Louise*

Flashdaisy wrote: »

I don't know what to do; I've tried confronting her before but she just starts feuds and has threatened to cut me off whenever I've tackled her.

And who do you think would come off worse if that was to happen?

It sounds like she cares for her grandchildren so if she was to cut you off she would miss them. It doesn't sound like you will be any worse off if she did anyway.