Mum tries to exclude me from my own children

Flashdaisy

Long story but I'll try to keep it fairly brief.

I was never the favourite child when I was growing up, my sister was. I was constantly critisised, told off, smacked, and insulted, mainly by my mum. I grew up thinking I was a horrible, awful, evil person who no one would ever like. My mum and sister had a little clique and I was excluded.

In my adulthood my mum hasn't been much better but I do have very firm boundaries with her now. However, in recent years I have noticed that when she visits, she tries her best to undermine me with my children, and also just ignores me. She will arrive, look at me but not say anything, then go straight to the children. She gets obsessive in conversation with them, and if I speak at all she just looks at me like something she's scraped off her shoe. I feel nervous when she is here, like I did as a child, I suppose it brings back memories. If I tell one of my children off, she will huff and puff and say things like 'oh dear' in a disgusted tone. She will tell them they don't have to do as I've told them to do. She also whispers all the time to my two older children and speaks to me like dirt in front of them. I have started walking off when she's round here and ignores me and she then comes to find me and starts talking, but I find what she does really upsets me. If DH is here she gushes over him, telling him what a wonderful, hard working man he is, but then treats me with contempt in front of him.

I don't know what to do; I've tried confronting her before but she just starts feuds and has threatened to cut me off whenever I've tackled her.

freyasmum

Why do you let her in? Easier said than done, I realise but she's obviously not a nice presence in your home.

It's bad enough that she belitted you as a child, but to teach your children to disrespect you is not in the slightest bit fair.

pinkclouds

Flashdaisy wrote: »

I don't know what to do; I've tried confronting her before but she just starts feuds and has threatened to cut me off whenever I've tackled her.

I respectfully suggest you cut her off first. If she beats you to it... well, there's no real downside!

I'm sorry your mom is, to put it mildly, not very motherly towards you. That must have been, and still is, hard to deal with.

You have a husband and children of your own now. You have a new family unit, where you can let the love thrive that you deserve. (I'm assuming hubby is a decent bloke, btw. Otherwise, there's always the divorce option!) Grandparents have no rights over grandchildren. She can't barge into your home, trample over your feelings, alienate your kids and insinuate herself with your husband... unless YOU let her. So: don't.

You can't choose family but you can choose your friends, as the saying goes. Best wishes. x

jenhug

Let he cut you off. Its her loss, not yours.

green1970

How does your DH feel - can he see what she is doing too? If so, tackle her as a united front quite openly. A simple 'please don't try to undermine me in front of my children' every single time she does it and an 'I would like you to leave now' if she continues to do it, followed by escorting her to the front door. Hopefully, you can eventually discuss how you felt as a child and how that continues but her behaviour while in your house and in front of your children has to stop and you are strong enough to do that. Stay calm, say your piece and don't get involved in an argument so she has no-one to 'feud' with - what you say goes in your house. Get your DH to back you up completely if you falter.

Hope you can solve this.

midnightraven3

i would be telling her she is not welcome in my home or with my family until she can treat me with respect

she doesnt have to be your best buddy, but to do the things she is, especially with the children is not on and she needs to be made aware of that
you are grown, you can stand up for yourself, and make your feelings known, if she takes the huff, let her, she needs to know boundaries

McKneff

She does it because you are allowing her to do it.

Dont invite her, lock her out, dont answer the door.

Stop letting her get to you.

Poeple will only bully you if you let them, tell her to sod off and leave you all alone.

Invite me into your house, next time she's there, I'll sharp tell her, what on earth is your husband thinking of allowing her to treat you like this doing about it.

Sammy85_2

I would normally say not to cut a grandparent out as its not fair on the kids etc etc. But in this case - cut her off, or at least let her know you will cut her off if things don't change - and follow through with your promise if she doesn't change her ways. She's undermining you infront of your kids and that's not acceptable.

Speak to your DH about the issues and what you want to do to resolve the situation. Ask for his support in the matter. You need a united front if you're going to cut her out completely.

Blackpool_Saver

Are you absolutely sure you and your sister have the same Dad?

raven83

That's not on at all, have you ever confronted your mum about her behaviour towards you? I think I would if it was me and ask her why she feels the need to constantly belittle you and undermine you in front of your kids. Tell her how it makes you feel and that you are not prepared to put up with it anymore, and that if she can't change then you don't want her around your kids, or to see her no more. Your their mother, it is down to you how you discipline your kids.

londonsurrey

She's treated you badly all your life.
It only stopped when you laid down firm boundaries.
She's trying it on again.
You've answered yourself - she needs boundaries.

The point is that she's a nasty person anyhow, to treat a young child like she treated you.
That nastiness doesn't just go away - it may be suppressed if she's given an incentive, but it's always there, waiting for weak areas where she can be her true self again.