Desperate to talk to son

Nenen

catford wrote: »

I'd be happy to write to him and repeat all I've said here but I do not have an address and neither my daughter or ex wife will tell me because he doesn't want them to.----so I'm stuck.
One day he may realise that there are two sides to the story and that he never got mine!

Have you tried searching for his address using these:
http://www.b4usearch.com/
http://www.192.com/

HTH and best of luck

RadoJo

I would definitely pursue it - it sounds like you have an inroad with your daughter's help, so you may be able to at least get some idea of why he feels the way he does. Have you asked any of your other family what is is that he dislikes about you so much? I am in contact with my Dad now, but it is strained and one of the reasons for this is because he is convinced of everyone else's faults, but unaware of his own : he would complain that I didn't keep in touch with him, but he had a phone too! This is hard to accept as a teenager, and feel like a personal slight - maybe he has what he feels is a legitimate reason not to want to talk to you - doesn't mean it is true, but if that's what he remembers/percieves it will have an effect on his feelings towards you.

As you split when he was a teenager, did you make the effort to keep in contact then? I mean really make the effort? At that age it would have been your responsibility and yours alone to ensure that the lines of contact were open. I am not saying that you have not done this, but I know for a fact that what he may have perceived as your lack of interest when he was younger will not have been erased by the passing of years. I still feel sad that my Dad did not make more of an effort when he had the opportunity, and as a result I make a minimal effort now. I am sure that if you can at least identify what it is he holds against you, you would at least have a chance of repariing the relationship - Good luck!

Penny_Watcher

catford wrote: »

Making contact with my son would be fantastic but now i'm worried how my two young children will react to finding out that they have an older half brother that they didn't know about?
They've known my daughter since they were born and she is a part of their life now but my son has never been mentioned as I've never dared to hope of a reconciliation.---Oh bugg**-- how do I fix this??

Wow - how exciting for them :j My youngest kids (12 & 10) would be really chuffed about discovering a 'secret' brother. (I might have one or two words to say to my husband though .) I think that as long as you present this new situation in a positive light kids can be very accepting of most situations.

You could put it to them that you and your older son fell out a long time ago and you tried to forget about each other, so you didn't talk about him.

But now trying to forget about him is making you very sad and you'd like to talk to him again.

The very best of luck, and I bet you get a positive response from the younger kids.

catford

RadoJo wrote: »

I would definitely pursue it - it sounds like you have an inroad with your daughter's help, so you may be able to at least get some idea of why he feels the way he does. Have you asked any of your other family what is is that he dislikes about you so much? I am in contact with my Dad now, but it is strained and one of the reasons for this is because he is convinced of everyone else's faults, but unaware of his own : he would complain that I didn't keep in touch with him, but he had a phone too! This is hard to accept as a teenager, and feel like a personal slight - maybe he has what he feels is a legitimate reason not to want to talk to you - doesn't mean it is true, but if that's what he remembers/percieves it will have an effect on his feelings towards you.

As you split when he was a teenager, did you make the effort to keep in contact then? I mean really make the effort? At that age it would have been your responsibility and yours alone to ensure that the lines of contact were open. I am not saying that you have not done this, but I know for a fact that what he may have perceived as your lack of interest when he was younger will not have been erased by the passing of years. I still feel sad that my Dad did not make more of an effort when he had the opportunity, and as a result I make a minimal effort now. I am sure that if you can at least identify what it is he holds against you, you would at least have a chance of repariing the relationship - Good luck!

He always refused to speak to me or visit and I asked many times--his mum said that it was between him and I and she wouldn't persuade him to see or talk to me--and he was only 13ish. I think she used him to beat me up as much as possible--so much for amicable.
Anyway,he even returned birthday presents and cards,not in person,but by leaving them at the door .
I will write to him because I hope he will start to talk to me---it'll probably be rude though!!:eek:

catford

Penny_Watcher wrote: »

Wow - how exciting for them :j My youngest kids (12 & 10) would be really chuffed about discovering a 'secret' brother. (I might have one or two words to say to my husband though .) I think that as long as you present this new situation in a positive light kids can be very accepting of most situations.

You could put it to them that you and your older son fell out a long time ago and you tried to forget about each other, so you didn't talk about him.

But now trying to forget about him is making you very sad and you'd like to talk to him again.

The very best of luck, and I bet you get a positive response from the younger kids.

Yes I thing you could be right about the younger kids--they are more receptive and don't judge to soon.:D

MJMum

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beautifulgorgeous_2

Your younger kids don`t need to be told anything at the present time. If he chooses to come into their lives then they will just think that he is cool cos he will know the cheats for their computer games etc.

bylromarha

OP- haven't read the rest of the thread, so apologies if this has been said before.

I'm married to a son in a similar position to yours.

He last spoke to his dad 9 years ago at a funeral when his dad offered him a drink. His mum has never spoken ill of the father, the father screwed it up himself by treating my OH like dirt and a useless, worthless nothing rather than treating him like the maturing adult he was.

Please don't put your daughter in a position as a go between between you and your son. It's not fair on her as it'll divide her loyalties. In our situation, as father tried to do this, it has resulted in a break down of communication between daughter and father as she found father was expecting too much of her.

The best thing you can do is take small steps.

Accept your blame in the failed relationship with your son and ask your son to forgive you. You're the parent, and whilst a 23 year old is an adult, contact with his dad will make him revert to "son" behaviour, and all he knows of being a son is that things with dad are hard work.

Don't try and force a face to face meeting too soon. Send a letter or 2 and see how the land lies. Then take things from there.

All the best.

belfastgirl23

Never say never. Your son is only 23 which seems pretty young to me. Having gone through parental divorce myself it's taken me till my mid 30s to lose the last shreds of anger at my father. I'm now older than he was when they divorced and realise that life isn't always straightforward. That said I'd still like him to acknowledge the hurt he caused which he never really has, but I have to accept that he isn't a person who can do this.

You should always keep the door open, ask other family members about how he is getting on etc and maybe one day he will decide otherwise. But also I do think it's worth looking back and thinking about what the impact on him was - I think every child of divorce can see some echoes in Bluebell13's OH's story above. Living with a devastated mum is awful and I still somehow feel residual guilt for what my dad did (nonsense on any logical level but that's emotions for you!). He has his own reasons for behaving as he does, however unfortunate for you. In time a wife or kids of his own might help him to come around.

BTW I don't know about writing to him, if he has clearly said that he doesn't want this then it might feel to him that you are putting your needs above his own. Same with asking others to intervene. Just ask his sister to make it clear if it ever comes up that you would love to see him or be in touch with him.

Bambywamby

On mums net website forum they mention that other folks havent been receiving their goods however one woman got a response from the owner of bump2babe.

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=49&threadid=316963&stamp=070503103032
It says - "anyone who is interested...i had an email from the woman who runs the site and apparently she had a family death and had to fly to america suddenly so will deal with all orders when she returns!"