Desperate to talk to son

catford

Long story,but basically my son who is now 23 still wont talk to me ,even though my divorce was 12yrs ago. My daughter is really ok about it now although she was gutted at the beginning.--And so was I, screwing up lives was never my intention.
The divorce was allegedly amicable and we both agreed that the marriage was over--maybe we didn't try enough-I don't know.
We both remarried -I'm very happy and have been lucky enough to have two great young sons and a gorgeous wife.
But always in my mind is the fact that that my son from my first marriage will not talk to me. It rips me apart every day. He's my son and I love him now and did then--the divorce was agreed on both sides--and yet I am still the guilty party.
I have a brilliant relationship with my daughter and my new family love their half sister to bits.
I've asked her to bridge the gap and help me talk to my son but she is adamant that he will never talk to me again--I don't want to push her to do anything which might upset her or her relationships.
I really need to connect with my son and I don't know what to do now. My ex wife won't talk to me so I'm really stuffed.
Any advice please??

Madiba_2

I feel sorry for you, but it would seem your son needs to grow up a bit.

On the other hand, its his choice to feel what he feels.

12 years is a long time to not talk to you, was there something else that happened?

Is your son married? Is he very mature?

ManAtHome

Can't really help - started as a similar situation, but I never re-married or had any more kids. Many times I think I'd have been better just leaving them in the !!!!!! - don't regret trying, and would still do the same again, but still not sure why I bothered (yes, I know exactly why, but I still wonder why some out-an-out rissoles are better thought of).

Maybe just me, but sometimes you just have to let it go and get on with your own life.

catford

Madiba wrote: »

I feel sorry for you, but it would seem your son needs to grow up a bit.

On the other hand, its his choice to feel what he feels.

12 years is a long time to not talk to you, was there something else that happened?

Is your son married? Is he very mature?

As far as I know he is not married and have to assume that he's not mature either. I don't know anyone that age who cant argue with his parents.:eek:

I'm not sure what you mean by "something else happened" but as far as I recall the only event was a stroppy kid on xmas day.

PurpleDuck

my mother poisoned me against my father and then my step mum for years when they got divorced. Told me a pack of lies which only came to light many years later when I finally got to speak to my father about his side of things. Suddenly everything was made clear but by then all those years had been lost. Maybe you could write him a letter? Its less in your face than talking to begin with.

hobo28

Hi Catford. Sorry to hear about your son. Unfortunately there's not much you can do to force the issue.

When I was younger, my dad was/is a gambler and f****d things up royally resulting in my parents getting divorced. He went on to remarry and had more children. When I found out he was gambling again, I was so mad that I refused to speak to him or acknowledge him for about three years.

To be fair, I think the turning point was having my own children. Made me realise we are all human. I can't say I love him but he's my dad and should play a part in my life and my kids. I am still very wary though.

Anyway, the point I'm rambling on to make is that about the only thing you can do is leave the door open for him and hope that he eventually sees sense.

Has your daughter given your side of events? Has he explained why he's still angry twelve years on? I suppose as a child you don't realise your parents are human and are just as fallible as you are.

Justie

You poor soul. The only thing to do is to keep the lines of communication as open as you can. Your son is still young and at that age probably very self obsessed. In time and as his life changes he may feel the need to have you in his life again - but it could well take years and you can't force it. Maybe write him letters so that in years to come he can read them and see how you feel. Keep in touch as best you can even if it's via your daughter or ex and make it clear the door is always open to him but then you have to sit back and wait I'm afraid. It may be that at the time of the divorce he was at a particularly sensitive point of his adolescence, it may be that as a boy he felt the absence of his father in a different way to your daughter, or it may be that he's jealous of your 'new' sons and feels (however unfairly) that he's been replaced. Whatever the reason he needs to deal with it in his own time and carrying around so much bitterness will eventually become hard work.

In time these things often get sorted but it's a long time scale so please be patient.

elaine373

Hello, what you wrote made me feel sorry for you. That also led me to think that if you put this all in down in a letter then maybe your son could think about things and hopefully respond to it. I always thought my dad didnt care as he was a "selfish" man who was also an alcoholic. After his death we( his children) found a poem about his feelings to his children. Give it a go, at least with letters no impulsive angry words can be spoken. All the best.
Just edited as i notice you say his mum wont speak to you. Obviously this divorce wasnt as amicable as you first thought. I think his "issues"could lie there with his mum.

loveandlight

If you love your son as much as you claim then you should be prepared to spend the rest of your life trying to reconnect with him. In my opinion the fact that he's 23 is irrelevant. You are his dad no matter how old he is and no matter how many times you remarry and go on to have more children. In his eyes he only has one dad and obviously feels very let down by you.

Attempting to speak to him via your daughter/his sister and your ex-wife seems to me a half hearted attempt. Prove to him that your love for him has always been constant.

I was a successful divorce lawyer for many years until a few years ago. Whenever a father came to see me because he wasn't getting contact to his child for whatever reason ( it was more often than not the father not getting to see his children), I always advised them to still buy presents at birthdays and xmas's and still send letters even if the letters always got returned. I also suggested they keep a diary of the efforts they'd made to contact them through their mother if they were very young.

One day that child would grow up and eventually make contact with his or her dad and then they would be able to show them the mountain of presents and letters still waiting for them to open. Clear evidence that they were never forgotten. It worked every time. Even now I still get contacted by old clients who tell me that their children, after seeing the years of upopened letters and presents, realise that they were always loved and were never forgotten by their dad. This proof gives them the chance to try again, no matter what the age.

sticher

Hi, my Ex husband was in the same position as your son. His Mum and Dad divorced when he was 11 which he told me he felt was the worst possible time for boy to lose his Dad.

His Mum did a good job of poisoning him against his Dad as she was very bitter, although having left his wife and 6 kids for another woman and without supporting them I suppose my she had good reason.

When I met my husband he was adamant (to an extreme) that he would never see his father. Two of his sisters regularly saw their Dad and together we eventually persuaded my Ex to visit him.

My Ex did then begin to visit him and his wife regularly, but the wife couldn't help occasionally having a little dig about Ex's Mum (that she didn't want her kids to see their Dad, etc) and Ex really hated that. At the time he just felt he was visiting a stranger. We split up and he did continue visiting his Dad.

One thing - Ex felt he was betraying his Mum to visit his Dad and I think that was a lot to do with it. He never told his Mum he visited his Dad (and his Dad never came to our wedding as a result). Maybe this is part of the reason with your son.

msmicawber

Hi Catford,

I'm so sorry to read your situation. It's very hurtful. I can only think that your son needs someone to blame and that, as other posters have said, when he matures a little and has had some more grown up relationships himself or possibly his own children, he'll take a different view.

I don't know if it's any consolation, but my daughter blames me for the split up with my ex - even though it was because of his violence towards me. She loves her Dad, and I haven't banged on about what all he did to me, but it doesn't suit her to think that the Dad she loves is a drunken, violent monster at times. She even witnessed him hitting me, but chooses not to admit that now. I've come to the conclusion that I'm an easy target since I love her and care for her no matter what she throws at me, whereas she needs to court her father more to get attention. She cannot seem to deal with the fact that idols can have clay feet, whereas my son just says 'Dad's a bit of a git, but I love him', which is fair enough.

I think you and I just have to wait until our respective children mature, and in the meantime just keep sending the odd card and letter to keep communication lines open.

Very best wishes.