Desperate to talk to son

bluebell13

Hello. I don't suppose you will like this very much but here goes. My OH has the same situation with his dad. He has had no contact with his dad since he left one weekend 25 years ago. His dad lives locally, has re-married and had another child. OH feels so strongly about this that he will not visit his sister if he knows his dad will be there. OH is now 38.

Immature? OK hear the other side.

OH is 12. Dad comes home one night and says he is leaving. OH mother is devastated. OH being the eldest becomes 'man of the family'. House (which he loved) has to be sold. OH who would have loved to go to college leaves school at 16 to earn money as they are struggling etc etc etc. Whole life changed overnight.
OH mother died a few years ago. OH says he feels any contact with his dad would be betraying her.
Is he angry with his dad? Oh yes. He feels he made a choice which changed everyones lives. He walked away so he does not get to come back.

I am not for one minute suggesting this is what happened to you but your son may have issues that you do not understand.

I'm afraid you may have to accept that this is how it is and just leave the door open if he wants it. Sorry.

MATH

My MIL & FIL split up about 30 years ago.
They had a 'friendly' divorce and have an ammicable relationship now. Even though MIL remarrried they do some Grandma & Grandad things together with my kidz. My BIL however, vowed never to speak to his Mother again and never has.

Both his sisters have tried to bridge the gap, MIL has made many overtures to him and so has my FIL. Last year MIL lost her husband and was diagnosed with throat cancer and it was touch and go for many months, even this would not soften him!

My advice would be to try and come to terms with the fact he may never come around. He is a big boy now and although your divorce will have played a part you should not feel guilty for the decisions he makes as an adult. Leave the door open for him to contact you but get on with your own life and find happiness in the family who you do have contact with.

Kimberley

Write to him, tell him you love him and you will always be there for him, it's his choice if he talks to you or not. Life is too short, the past is the past and he may grow to realise this one day. You've done all you can to see him. Although divorce hits kids the most, they do not understand adult emotions or what happened in your marriage to result in the divorce. I'm afraid he's an adult now, maybe one day he will see it in a different way if he has kids and a similar thing happens to him and his wife.

All you can do is get on with your life and let him come to you in his own time.

catford

PurpleDuck wrote: »

my mother poisoned me against my father and then my step mum for years when they got divorced. Told me a pack of lies which only came to light many years later when I finally got to speak to my father about his side of things. Suddenly everything was made clear but by then all those years had been lost. Maybe you could write him a letter? Its less in your face than talking to begin with.

I think the attitude of my ex wife went a long way to inflame the situation--she never encouraged him to stay in touch and I feel that was a mistake.

I think I'm going to have live with it--It's got to be his decision.:D

catford

elaine373 wrote: »

Hello, what you wrote made me feel sorry for you. That also led me to think that if you put this all in down in a letter then maybe your son could think about things and hopefully respond to it. I always thought my dad didnt care as he was a "selfish" man who was also an alcoholic. After his death we( his children) found a poem about his feelings to his children. Give it a go, at least with letters no impulsive angry words can be spoken. All the best.
Just edited as i notice you say his mum wont speak to you. Obviously this divorce wasnt as amicable as you first thought. I think his "issues"could lie there with his mum.

I'd be happy to write to him and repeat all I've said here but I do not have an address and neither my daughter or ex wife will tell me because he doesn't want them to.----so I'm stuck.
One day he may realise that there are two sides to the story and that he never got mine!

Sarahjovi

catford wrote: »

I'd be happy to write to him and repeat all I've said here but I do not have an address and neither my daughter or ex wife will tell me because he doesn't want them to.----so I'm stuck.
One day he may realise that there are two sides to the story and that he never got mine!

Why don't you write the letter anyway, it might help you to set things to rest in your mind and if the opportunity arises you will have the letter ready to send or hand over. Or your daughter may take it to him. I would duplicate the letter too, so there is a second copy if he refuses to read the first one and destroys it!

You can only try, and leave the rest to him! But at least you won't have given up on him!

Sarah

catford

I'd like to thank all of you who took the time to offer so much good non-judgemental advice.;)
It's nice to get help from real people who don't have an axe to grind and who genuinely try to help.
I doubt that my son will ever want to get in touch although he will always be welcome if he does.
I will have to live with the mistakes of the past and not let them become part of the present.
Thank you all again You're all great.:T

Penny_Watcher

I just wanted to add that I didn't speak to my Mum for years after my parents divorced when I was 16. I saw it as all her fault (which now I'm an adult and married with children myself I know and appreciate all the stresses she was under).

Hopefully one day your son will be married and/or a father himself. This might give him wisdom and insight into your situation. Being a parent helps you (in a way that nothing else can) to appreciate the bond between parent and child.

Good Luck and bide your time. Men can sometimes be stubborn but I think when he's a Dad himself he'll appreciate you a whole lot more.

janb5

catford wrote: »

I'd be happy to write to him and repeat all I've said here but I do not have an address and neither my daughter or ex wife will tell me because he doesn't want them to.----so I'm stuck.
One day he may realise that there are two sides to the story and that he never got mine!

Could you do a search on 192.com or b4usearch.com or ask the Salvation Army to help. They can mediate for you and pass on information without giving out his address if he so requests it.

Good luck

janb5

I`d just like to add that my sons were 9,14 and 17 when my ex OH and iI split up. The two younger ones forged a relationship with their father but my eldest son ( who died 3 years ago) refused to have any contact with him. My youngest son says that his father is not a role model which is the saddest thing but I think the two of them do love their father. I think the age at which you leave can have a dramatic effect. Your son was 11 and just hitting puberty. I also think that boys find it hardest to cope when there is a divorce in the family.

It is never easy is it?