Desperate to talk to son

spoilt_BUT_appreciate_it

Penny_Watcher wrote: »

I just wanted to add that I didn't speak to my Mum for years after my parents divorced when I was 16. I saw it as all her fault

My mum left my dad for another man SO I TOTALLY considered it her fault and needless to say WE DIDN'T TALK for nearly 5 years.

I always felt that whilst it was true that I was annoyed with her...,
she made things TEN TIMES worse by never making any effort.. no olive branch, or letter to try and explain anything, so I figured well that's a rather huge indication on how much she cares. Every Christmas, New Years Eve, Birthday etc I'd convince myself that this would be the year she'd phone and she never did, so I'd become more :mad: angry and resentful as time passed. Things weren't helped by the fact that she moved up to Scotland when she left.

I can understand allowing me to cool off (so to speak)
But 2002 - 2006 (five years) of my life I didn't receive even a birthday card from her, admittedly I didn't send her won either but in my defence my birthday is in May and her's is in June and it was only when I didn't receive one that I'd not bother for hers, childish hey!

The matter wasn't helped by the fact that I was pregnant with my first in 2002 when she left my dad. I didn't even receive a congratulations card when my daughter was born in August that year.

We've recently started speaking again so perhaps in May I'll get a card (this time) LOL for my 28th. However, it still upsets me that she missed out on the first 4 years of my little girl's life and we Can't talk about it because of it.

My dad thrived on sympathy and being the VICTIM and it was really only when he messed our father daughter relationship up, that I turnt to my mum and I phoned her. I now don't talk to him

So I can understand your comment on your door always being open type thing for your Son but he's probably waiting for you to make the first move and what if circumstances don't come about in the way they did with me,
for your Son too just turn up out of the blue. After 12 years he probably would feel incredibly uncomfortable just showing up on your doorstep and feel like a TOTAL STRANGER. I know for me personally that the damage of five years of not talking has caused that feeling of my mum still being a stranger after 3 or 4 months, it's like I don't really know her anymore.

The way I certainly viewed things was that I'm allowed to be angry with my Mum that's my perogative as a daughter but she should always be there for me AS A PARENT SHOULD.

Not suggesting that you haven't been a good father or anything I'm just trying to give you the other side of the story that may or may not be similar in certain aspects.

GOOD LUCK whatever action you decide to do:rotfl:

msmicawber

I'm sorry that you children's mother didn't encourage your son to keep in touch with you and won't help now, and think it's very selfish and unkind of her. I don't know why people do this - it's just using children as pawns.

I wish you the very best and hope that your son will get in contact at some time in the future. At least your daughter knows how you feel, by the sound of it, so if her brother mentions getting in touch with you at some stage then she can confirm to him that you're eager and let him know where you are.

catford

Sarahjovi wrote: »

Why don't you write the letter anyway, it might help you to set things to rest in your mind and if the opportunity arises you will have the letter ready to send or hand over. Or your daughter may take it to him. I would duplicate the letter too, so there is a second copy if he refuses to read the first one and destroys it!

You can only try, and leave the rest to him! But at least you won't have given up on him!

Sarah

Thanks- it's a good idea and i'll never really give up on him--how could I ??

catford

janb5 wrote: »

I`d just like to add that my sons were 9,14 and 17 when my ex OH and iI split up. The two younger ones forged a relationship with their father but my eldest son ( who died 3 years ago) refused to have any contact with him. My youngest son says that his father is not a role model which is the saddest thing but I think the two of them do love their father. I think the age at which you leave can have a dramatic effect. Your son was 11 and just hitting puberty. I also think that boys find it hardest to cope when there is a divorce in the family.

It is never easy is it?

You're so right --it's not easy--and it never gets resolved one way or another.
If I could turn back time with what I know now I would have just let the relationship run until the children were adult. Not that they would have understood any better! But at least it would have spared them the grief--but would it??---kids are perceptive enough to see through most deceptions that adults use--so a bad marriage would be easy.
Breaking up is hard to do--and everyone gets hurt.

catford

spoilt_BUT_appreciate_it wrote: »

My mum left my dad for another man SO I TOTALLY considered it her fault and needless to say WE DIDN'T TALK for nearly 5 years.

I always felt that whilst it was true that I was annoyed with her...,
she made things TEN TIMES worse by never making any effort.. no olive branch, or letter to try and explain anything, so I figured well that's a rather huge indication on how much she cares. Every Christmas, New Years Eve, Birthday etc I'd convince myself that this would be the year she'd phone and she never did, so I'd become more :mad: angry and resentful as time passed. Things weren't helped by the fact that she moved up to Scotland when she left.

I can understand allowing me to cool off (so to speak)
But 2002 - 2006 (five years) of my life I didn't receive even a birthday card from her, admittedly I didn't send her won either but in my defence my birthday is in May and her's is in June and it was only when I didn't receive one that I'd not bother for hers, childish hey!

The matter wasn't helped by the fact that I was pregnant with my first in 2002 when she left my dad. I didn't even receive a congratulations card when my daughter was born in August that year.

We've recently started speaking again so perhaps in May I'll get a card (this time) LOL for my 28th. However, it still upsets me that she missed out on the first 4 years of my little girl's life and we Can't talk about it because of it.

My dad thrived on sympathy and being the VICTIM and it was really only when he messed our father daughter relationship up, that I turnt to my mum and I phoned her. I now don't talk to him

So I can understand your comment on your door always being open type thing for your Son but he's probably waiting for you to make the first move and what if circumstances don't come about in the way they did with me,
for your Son too just turn up out of the blue. After 12 years he probably would feel incredibly uncomfortable just showing up on your doorstep and feel like a TOTAL STRANGER. I know for me personally that the damage of five years of not talking has caused that feeling of my mum still being a stranger after 3 or 4 months, it's like I don't really know her anymore.

The way I certainly viewed things was that I'm allowed to be angry with my Mum that's my perogative as a daughter but she should always be there for me AS A PARENT SHOULD.

Not suggesting that you haven't been a good father or anything I'm just trying to give you the other side of the story that may or may not be similar in certain aspects.

GOOD LUCK whatever action you decide to do:rotfl:

I've had a bit of a breakthrough--my daughter said that she will offer him a letter from me and he can decide what he wants to do----now that's a result:j

nearlyrich

msmicawber wrote: »

I'm sorry that you children's mother didn't encourage your son to keep in touch with you and won't help now, and think it's very selfish and unkind of her. I don't know why people do this - it's just using children as pawns.

I can't let this go without commenting, it's not always cut and dried. I split with my ex when I was 7 months pregnant with our second child, he was seeing someone else and I found out because she went out of her way to let me know. We got back together a year or so later, then he started seeing my (ex) best friend and so we split again and he left with her. He had access every second Sunday from 10 till 6, often he just didn't bother to turn up or he would arrive late or bring them back early, often they wouldn't have been fed all day.

My daughter hated going and she would get upset for a couple of days before saying he didn't want her just her brother to go, he didn't treat them equally and he broke many promises to her. When she was 9 she said she didn't want to go because he always took them to the same place to pursue his hobby and he wouldn't let her get involved and she found it boring so I had a chat with him in a none confrontational way asked him if he could maybe do something that she enjoyed or even let her get involved in the activity. He said no chance I do what I want and if she doesn't like it she doesn't have to come. She went just once more a few weeks later it was Father's day and I persuaded her to go, she came back very upset because her "dad" and his GF had been really nasty to her all day and she was not going ever again. He never sent her a birthday card or Christmas card or present, has never made any effort to have a relationship with her, never asked about her or congratulated her on her achievements in life ( of which there have been many) in short he has treated her like an adult he has fallen out with and as she was only 9 I felt it was wrong of me to put her in a position where she would be badly treated by both her "dad and his GF.

I didn't encourage her to fall out with him, did everything in my power to ensure they both had a relationship with a man who really wasn't interested in them but sometimes you have to look after the interests of a vulnerable child over the rights of the father.

To the OP I hope one day you manage to get back in touch with your son, don't give up hope and write that letter as suggested earlier, he might just read it and understand that you didn't abandon him.

nearlyrich

catford wrote: »

You're so right --it's not easy--and it never gets resolved one way or another.
If I could turn back time with what I know now I would have just let the relationship run until the children were adult. Not that they would have understood any better! But at least it would have spared them the grief--but would it??---kids are perceptive enough to see through most deceptions that adults use--so a bad marriage would be easy.
Breaking up is hard to do--and everyone gets hurt.

I know someone who split with his ex when all the children were grown up, ex said she wouldn't speak to anyone who spoke to him and told a pack of lies about the break up. It's not always easy even when they are grown up. I hope that the offer from your daughter to pass on a letter is the start of a way back to a relationship with your son.

catford

Making contact with my son would be fantastic but now i'm worried how my two young children will react to finding out that they have an older half brother that they didn't know about?
They've known my daughter since they were born and she is a part of their life now but my son has never been mentioned as I've never dared to hope of a reconciliation.---Oh bugg**-- how do I fix this??
I can now understand why some people just cut and run!!:eek:

Firehorse

My father died last year.....I hadn't spoken to him in years. I was more adamant about this decision after having children, because he was a violent drunk and went to great lengths to hide my location because of fears of being pursued! I am not, at all, suggesting this to be the OPs case, just clarifying my own reasons.

I make your son about 13 when you left. I believe this to be a very important time in a young man's life, and he possibly feels very betrayed by the event, and the following times. Whether these be portrayed to him by yourself, or your ex, whom he lived with. Parents do not realise the continued effects of their actions on children. Everyone believes they will grow out of it. Well they don't. The emotions they feel as a child are never rationalised as an adult, just remembered in their original state and intensity. Please remember that intensity to a child is different to that of an adult.


I had a friend, who may have died when her children were young, and hadn't gotten a chance to know her. From their birth, she made a scrap book. This contained things like, baby photos, personal messages of the time, achievements, etc. Perhaps, you could put a selection of things together, ie sent birthday cards, letters, personal thoughts etc for your son. If you successfully rekindled your relationship this could be a gift. If not, then left after you'd passed on. (Sorry for the morbid bit, but this could be a long haul.)

LITTLE_LISA_2

my advice to you would be to write a letter .....

that way you get to say what you want and your son can read when he feels ready too