Relative being out of order or grieving?

pollypenny

There's nothing wrong in going to the pub every night, if it's just for a couple of pints and, more importantly, for company.

Do you expect him to stay in alone all day and evening/ I'm assuming he's retired at 68.

About the dinner, did he simply get confused and won't admit it?

He's trying to make his way in a very new world, I feel.

Tiddlywinks

dealing-with_grief wrote: »

Most definitely... I also need him as part of my grieving

But he may not have anything left to give at the moment.

About a week after my mum died, one of my cousins went to hug me but I sort of side stepped to avoid too much contact... he later wrote to me about how I needed to open up - actually, he was wrong about that. At that moment I really didn't want to handle the grief as it was so big that it would have destroyed me...I shut down, went about normality and then let sort of let the grief out bit by bit (sort of like you control an over fizzy bottle when you open it). Perhaps your relative is similar in personality - he needs time to process what has happened.

He has witnessed and lived through one of the worst things a person ever has to experience - the death of a beloved partner. It should be about HIM at the moment and not what he can give others... he just might not have anything left.

floss2

Mojisola wrote: »

Honestly, 68 isn't old. Our children will still be expected to be at work at that age.

I expect to still be working at that age, never mind my kids!

londonsurrey

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

But he may not have anything left to give at the moment.

About a week after my mum died, one of my cousins went to hug me but I sort of side stepped to avoid too much contact... he later wrote to me about how I needed to open up - actually, he was wrong about that. At that moment I really didn't want to handle the grief as it was so big that it would have destroyed me...I shut down, went about normality and then let sort of let the grief out bit by bit (sort of like you control an over fizzy bottle when you open it). Perhaps your relative is similar in personality - he needs time to process what has happened.

He has witnessed and lived through one of the worst things a person ever has to experience - the death of a beloved partner. It should be about HIM at the moment and not what he can give others... he just might not have anything left.

I agree with you, but to be fair to the OP, she(I'm assuming the OP's a she, I just didn't want to say "it"!) doesn't seem to be demanding anything off him, just being there for him. He does seem to be giving her the runaround a bit, and that needs to stop.

Mojisola

floss2 wrote: »

I expect to still be working at that age, never mind my kids!

It all depends on how old you are now!

puppypants

Poor man. I don't think too much should be expected of him at the moment. It's only 6 months since he lost his wife. My Dad lost my Mum in March, and although he is a lot older than Edgar, he completely lost the plot as he too had cared for her for the last few years of her life,. It's as though the focus, which keeps them going through the hard times, is suddenly lost. My Dad can't stand the empty space next to him which had been occupied by Mum for 67 years!

Give Edgar a break and let him grieve in his own way and at his own pace.

Mojisola

puppypants wrote: »

Give Edgar a break and let him grieve in his own way and at his own pace.

Is some of the reaction to Edgar's behaviour down to the other relatives' own grief? If they are feeling that they want Edgar to fulfil a particular role in their grieving process and he isn't doing it, that's their problem to deal with and not Edgar's.

jackyann

I do wonder about mild confusion as well (not all of his behaviour, but some). Not enough to look like mental illness or dementia, which would be obvious, but just the kind of slightly "off-balance" behaviour sometimes seen in grieving people.
I would explain to the kids that he isn't quite himself, and praise them for being kind to him and not taking slights or unequal behaviour too seriously.
I would give him some space, then at a good interval (at least a year) think about pointing out some things - not stuff that is solely his concern (like the pub) but particularly the kids and ask him to be aware himself.

luxor4t

Bennifred wrote: »

I would say that Edgar has earned the right to be a little bit selfish after the last few years without everyone going on at him! You'd all be much more worried if he went into a depressive decline, wouldn't you?
Yes, he's been thoughtless over the dinner invites/ telling about women chatting him up, but to be honest I think you all need to let him lead the life he wants to. Perhaps he doesn't like being in everyone's pocket - he is an adult, after all.

I agree 100%. He is grieving, his way.

CH27

dealing-with_grief wrote: »

He told me that he doesn't want to think about the last 3 years with Sophie and when he talks about her he always talks about the years prior to her diagnosis. He hates that he had to see his wife dying every day... he really did love her!

He's doing that to protect himself.
Watching helplessly while someone suffers is horrendous & soull destroying.
I did it for my mum for three years & it was hell.


Grief is very complex & everyone grieves differently.