Relative being out of order or grieving?

dealing-with_grief

He does have a pre-existing condition and he did have to have lifesaving surgery in a top hospital about 7 years ago and have to take daily medication so we do worry about him in that respect! If Sophie hadn’t been in the room when he collapsed to call the ambulance straight away and their local hospital not been a specialist for his problem they assure us he would have died.

When I say Edgar is selfish I mean that he doesn’t always see things from other peoples perspective only his own… but he did (& still does) love Sophie dearly… her dressing gown, slippers and teddy lay on her side of the bed still every night above the duvet and his home is a shrine to her…pictures everywhere. He was never selfish with her, I just think he didn’t know how to cope, just the two of them in Holland on their own towards the end.

I’m concerned that a lot of his behaviour is a front to cover up his pain…I don’t think he is depressed but I know he will never be the same again. They were married at 18 and I know he still talks to Sophie, I have heard him when I have been in another room.

I want to believe that it is grief and not just his true colours coming out… we are very close and often very similar so we clash often but also I know he loves me dearly. I’m not sure if I am just wearing rose tinted glasses? Heather is like me and wants to see the good too but he is really trying her patience and her husband (a very good judge of character) is struggling to accept it is grief and just thinks Edgar is being out of order. Colin is laid back so tries to excuse Edgar’s behaviour but his wife isn’t impressed and Janet (who is more like Edgar than she thinks) is really angry at him…but has not been to his house since he moved in, accept for a one off with the siblings to get the place unpacked…so i'm not sure she has the right to be so annoyed!

Edgar has 6 grandchildren who are not getting equal attention in this whole process too... the eldest two and the two youngest see more of him and are much closer to him as a result. The middle two (one is secondary age and one is 18+) are not seeing so much of him...however the can drive down to him themselves or get a 20 minute train from practically door to door after school and they are not doing this which the eldest two do so this is why they see more of him & the youngest two are taken by their parents.

I just don’t know what to think!

dealing-with_grief

Lara44 wrote: »

It sounds like he's enjoying putting himself first, and after the experience of caring for Sophie, it's hard to blame him.

I would pull him up for the breaches of manners - not turning up for a formal dinner invite, or refusing to take any calls without letting anyone know he is safe. Otherwise I would just let him take the reins for a while.

It is hard to know without being in his position the burden of terminal illness and being a carer. It may just be an instinctual reaction to have a sort of second teenager-hood! Perhaps he has realised that life's so short, and wants to shake things up a bit. Hopefully it will mellow in due course.

This is exactly what I think about it all but everybody else is just angry at him!

I am related to all of them so no bias...but this is how I think Sophie would see it and she wouldn't want us to turn on him and be angry

Tropez

You can tell him that you don't wish to hear about the flirting and that you find it hurtful when he skips invitations and ignores you but other than that he's entitled to move on. You said yourself, for 18 months he was a "carer" more than a husband. No doubt he said his goodbyes long ago and he and Sophie talked about what was going to happen and possibly Sophie told him to go out and be happy without her.

I mean he's "only" 68, which is actually in the twilight years - he's just watched his wife die despite the fact that generally women outlive men. He's probably realised his days on this earth could be numbered at any time, whether he's 68 or 98. Why waste time when as I say he will have had ample opportunity to say goodbye and make peace with what was happening?

dealing-with_grief

Tropez wrote: »

You said yourself, for 18 months he was a "carer" more than a husband. No doubt he said his goodbyes long ago

He told me that he doesn't want to think about the last 3 years with Sophie and when he talks about her he always talks about the years prior to her diagnosis. He hates that he had to see his wife dying every day... he really did love her!

londonsurrey

dealing-with_grief wrote: »

He does have a pre-existing condition and he did have to have lifesaving surgery in a top hospital about 7 years ago and have to take daily medication so we do worry about him in that respect!

In that case, you will have to decide what you're going to do in the event of something happening. What is it you're afraid of? A collapse or him not feeling well?

If it's a collapse, you'll have to decide if the agreed protocol is that you alert the medics immediately if he doesn't answer the phone or if you have someone you can call to check if he has indeed collapsed. Otherwise, whether or not he's collapsed, the only thing that is happening is that you're stewing by the phone if he doesn't answer. Is it worth investing in a medical bracelet/callout type service to check on him?

Tropez

dealing-with_grief wrote: »

He told me that he doesn't want to think about the last 3 years with Sophie and when he talks about her he always talks about the years prior to her diagnosis. He hates that he had to see his wife dying every day... he really did love her!

I can understand that. When I was 17 I watched my Dad die, literally and figuratively. Without wishing to be graphic, in the last 6-8 months, there was just a body there and my father had already died. What was left, honestly, was more like a zombie. Dad made a brief reappearance about 30 seconds before he collapsed and clinically died.

And so, you don't really want to think of that if you go through it, particularly when it is still fresh in the mind. When you're there every day especially, it really takes it out of you and it is, speaking selfishly, a perpetual nightmare that you feel trapped in. It may well be Edgar is feeling liberated right now but of course, as you say, he still loves her and always will.

dealing-with_grief

londonsurrey wrote: »

In that case, you will have to decide what you're going to do in the event of something happening. What is it you're afraid of? A collapse or him not feeling well?

If it's a collapse, you'll have to decide if the agreed protocol is that you alert the medics immediately if he doesn't answer the phone or if you have someone you can call to check if he has indeed collapsed. Otherwise, whether or not he's collapsed, the only thing that is happening is that you're stewing by the phone if he doesn't answer. Is it worth investing in a medical bracelet/callout type service to check on him?

Worried about him dying! He is too stubborn for a bracelet or emergency service... he thinks he is fine at only 68! But that is a whole different story!!!

londonsurrey

dealing-with_grief wrote: »

He told me that he doesn't want to think about the last 3 years with Sophie and when he talks about her he always talks about the years prior to her diagnosis. He hates that he had to see his wife dying every day... he really did love her!

It's good that he is aware of and can articulate what he wants. Quite paradoxically, if he was going on and on about the horror of the last three years, people would be telling him to move on and find things in life that he can enjoy.

I do know what I'm talking about. I held my dying husband, giving him CPR, getting his blood smeared over me, watched him die.

... funnily enough, people don't tend to care for me going over it too much.

dealing-with_grief

Tropez wrote: »

I can understand that. When I was 17 I watched my Dad die, literally and figuratively. Without wishing to be graphic, in the last 6-8 months, there was just a body there and my father had already died. What was left, honestly, was more like a zombie. Dad made a brief reappearance about 30 seconds before he collapsed and clinically died.

And so, you don't really want to think of that if you go through it, particularly when it is still fresh in the mind. When you're there every day especially, it really takes it out of you and it is, speaking selfishly, a perpetual nightmare that you feel trapped in. It may well be Edgar is feeling liberated right now but of course, as you say, he still loves her and always will.

Tropez I always say to my other half that it wasn't my Sophie in the last year... I said goodbye to my Sophie a year ago, the other person was just an imposter who looked a bit like she used to and was a bit like her, but without the fire in her belly that Sophie had. My OH says that Sophie was one of the most beautiful women he ever met when he first met her (even though she is 40 years older than him!) and an amazing person, but agrees that Sophie wasn't the same person in the end...so again we see where Edgar is coming from like you do, but the others don't want to write off those years and can't accept that we are all different!

OH watched his dad die unexpectedly when he was a child and was too young to do anything about it and were at home just the two of them... he still screams in his sleep when he has nightmares about it and has tried to put memories out of his mind so is very sympathetic of it.

dealing-with_grief

londonsurrey wrote: »

It's good that he is aware of and can articulate what he wants. Quite paradoxically, if he was going on and on about the horror of the last three years, people would be telling him to move on and find things in life that he can enjoy.

I do know what I'm talking about. I held my dying husband, giving him CPR, getting his blood smeared over me, watched him die.

... funnily enough, people don't tend to care for me going over it too much.

That is awful... I know he held Sophie as she died too.