Relative being out of order or grieving?

dealing-with_grief

Same old... regular user, new name to protect said relatives identity...

An older, very close relative of mine ('Sophie') lost their 4 year battle with a long term illness 6 months ago. I myself struggle every day to get through without shedding a tear because I really do feel that part of my life has died too and as a family we are not the same since sadly.

The married partner of the deceased ('Edgar') is also a very close realtive of mine whom I love dearly but recognise that Edgar has always been a little bit on the selfish side and is actually a pain in the bum, but Sophie kept Edgar grounded so Edgar wasn't too out of control.

Sophie & Edgar retired early in their 50's and moved abroad for the last 8 years of Sophie's life which was hard on me and in particular their 3 children (Heather, Janet & Colin who are all aged in the 40's now) as we had all been so used to seeing them and now they were living in Holland. When Sophie got ill it was even harder but we recognised that she was getting much better healthcare in Holland and there was a chance she might survive the terminal illness due to new treatment.

Since Sophie has died, Edgar has relaxed a bit more because he wasn't like her husband in the last 18 months of her life, more her carer...and as much as he loves and misses her, he is glad to not have to see her in pain every day anymore.

Edgar has now gone off on a bit of a tangent and i'm not sure if it is grief, which I have been definding him by telling everybody it is, or if he is just being the person he always ways but that Sophie held back as such... Edgar says he can do what he wants as he is no longer accountable to anybody!

Edgar failed to turn up to dinner at Janet's house without calling but instead turned up at Colin's house and has not apologised to Janet. This is typical of things he has been up to lately.

Edgar keeps going to the pub every night - not drinking alot - but putting this first before his family and then tellign his family about women who are chatting him up all of the time which obviously upsets them as Sophie was their mum and they are still grieving! There is no doubt in my mind that women are all over him like a rash... he is only 68 and good looking for his age... plus he talks the talk they like to hear and they will be thinking he has money (which he does have some) as he dresses well. His kids just don't like hearing about it & tbh neither do I... my OH lost his Dad at a young age and 17 years later still cannot cope with his mum talking about men she has met so he thinks Edgar is out of order for mentioning it to his kids.

He isn't drinking too much, just a guiness or two at the pub almost every night and although I wish he wouldn't go to the pub too often, I like to know he has a social life on the go so he is not lonely.

Edgar moans to Heather and her husband about all of the others, and asked if he could move in with them as he is now living back in Scotland with them, before discussing with Janet or Colin. He also told Heather's husband that he was struggling with the household chores and that it makes him miss Sophie...which was said insensitively!!

I try to call him every 2/3 days and make sure I try to see him at least once a week. Last week I called him on Tuesday night and left a a/p message... he didn't call back so I done the same Wednesday night and Thursday night. After calling his 3 children nobody had heard from him since Tuesday lunchtime so I started to worry for the worst... eventually I got through to him (whilst driving down to him) and I did rip into him because I was expecting to fuind him dead on the living room floor and he has been sheepish with me since because he knows it was wrong not to call back!

At a family christening he was criticising one of Sophie's neices and her husband publicly in earshot of her children... Janet told him off and he was dismissive of her telling off.

He is very hot headed but then as a family we all are but he is definitely the worst!!!

There is lots more but it makes me upset to think about... what do you think just based on that info?

I am not one of Edgar & Sophie's children but very close relative to them all x

Mojisola

dealing-with_grief wrote: »

The married partner of the deceased ('Edgar') is also a very close realtive of mine whom I love dearly but recognise that Edgar has always been a little bit on the selfish side and is actually a pain in the bum, but Sophie kept Edgar grounded so Edgar wasn't too out of control.

There is lots more but it makes me upset to think about... what do you think just based on that info?

It's really difficult to tell without knowing him but it does sound possible that he's just reverting to type without Sophie's influence.

Do try to ignore the little things but start pulling him up on the bigger stuff. If you let him have his own way for months, it will be much harder to challenge his behaviour later on.

pinkclouds

I think it's both: out of order *and* grieving.

Edgar sounds like he's totally gone off the rails. He had a cushy lifestyle with Sophie running around after him. Now she's gone, he needs his ego massaged (via flirting at the pub) and people to pick up after him (such as Heather). However, 3 people miss Sophie as their mother - not just as a cook, cleaner and the other. And whatever your connection (cousin, perhaps) you miss her too. It's a huge adjustment for him but he's a grown man and you all have a void in your lives now, not just him.

Grief requires you to be that little bit selfish. You have to look after yourself first or you won't be able to look after anyone else. That goes for all of you - not just Eddie the Ego. Also, don't keep defending him to his kids. At the moment, it feels like they are losing their dad as well as their mom. He *should* be accountable to someone still: his kids.

Sorry for your loss. And for being a tad... harsh?

Desperado99

My dad went through a bit of a phase after my mum died. My mum kept him grounded, but afterwards he drank much more (he's not a pleasant drunk) and generally turned into a grumpy old man for a few years..........

He was also swatting women away like flies (seriously!) apparently being in your early 50's and a single man who's earning is a real plus......... he had a couple of girlfriends who were obviously in it for the money and ripped him off, but now he's with someone who we've all known for decades and she is very good at telling him when he's out of line (I would try, but he doesn't really take any notice of me).

So.......... in answer to your question, I'd say it's probably a mixture of both.

dealing-with_grief

There is no doubt in my mind that women are all over him like a rash... he is only 68 and good looking for his age... plus he talks the talk they like to hear and they will be thinking he has money (which he does have some) as he dresses well. His kids just don't like hearing about it & tbh neither do I... my OH lost his Dad at a young age and 17 years later still cannot cope with his mum talking about men she has met so he thinks Edgar is out of order for mentioning it to his kids.

He isn't drinking too much, just a guiness or two at the pub almost every night and although I wish he wouldn't go to the pub too often, I like to know he has a social life on the go so he is not lonely.

I try to call him every 2/3 days and make sure I try to see him at least once a week. Last week I called him on Tuesday night and left a a/p message... he didn't call back so I done the same Wednesday night and Thursday night. After calling his 3 children nobody had heard from him since Tuesday lunchtime so I started to worry for the worst... eventually I got through to him (whilst driving down to him) and I did rip into him because I was expecting to fuind him dead on the living room floor and he has been sheepish with me since because he knows it was wrong not to call back!

At a family christening he was criticising one of Sophie's neices and her husband publicly in earshot of her children... Janet told him off and he was dismissive of her telling off.

He is very hot headed but then as a family we all are but he is definitely the worst!!!

I will add all of this above to the first post for the people reading it from the start!

nixe

i m sorry for your loss
my mum met a man and they lived together for 11 years, he wanted to marry her, when she died he found some one else in six weeks who he has gone on to marry she is very poorly.
[ long story but her children will be sorry they ever met him ]
people at the time were saying its grief or a man needs someone.
imo it seems a mixture of both grief and selfishness in your case.
he could have picked up the phone maybe he likes the attention he is getting at the moment you driving down, for a long time he has put his wife first.
or it could be pure grief and he is just thinking straight,
strange thing grief is.

nixe

sorry meant he is not thinking straight..

londonsurrey

He sounds happily selfish enough to not be suicidal, and unless he has a pre-existing condition, there's no need to worry about him suddenly dropping dead. If this is indeed a real worry, I'd simply put in another contingency plan, like having a word with a neighbour, or even paying the local paper boy, so you can call them up to take a peek at the letter box or knock on his door.

Be supportive, with boundaries. So call him up as you are doing, so he knows you are there for him. If he chooses not to pick up, allow him to make that decision. It's nice that he's not so totally dependant on your calls and has other options.

He's a big boy, and an opinionated one at that. It doesn't sound like he needs your help defending him to his kids. The less drama after each of his little scenes, the better. He sounds too thick skinned to be really bothered by it all anyhow. He might at some point pick up that he gets more company when he's playing nicely with others.

System

My Mom had only been a widow 18 months when she got into a relationship with my StepDad. Within a few weeks she had ditched the family home and moved in with him.

Yes, i thought it was a bit soon and family members said as much to me. However, on her own Mom was very demanding so i was glad she had found someone to take the pressure off me. Honestly you couldnt see her for dust!

I take it we all grieve in a different way and this was my Moms way of coping with it.... I still find it strange though.

Lara44

It sounds like he's enjoying putting himself first, and after the experience of caring for Sophie, it's hard to blame him.

I would pull him up for the breaches of manners - not turning up for a formal dinner invite, or refusing to take any calls without letting anyone know he is safe. Otherwise I would just let him take the reins for a while.

It is hard to know without being in his position the burden of terminal illness and being a carer. It may just be an instinctual reaction to have a sort of second teenager-hood! Perhaps he has realised that life's so short, and wants to shake things up a bit. Hopefully it will mellow in due course.

londonsurrey

As for the dinner invitations, they can sort it out between themselves. If Janet doesn't feel like inviting him to dinner until he apologises, it's his choice as to whether he prefers not to apologise or prefers never to go to dinner at her place again. It's a simple choice for an adult, and up to the individual to make.