Relative being out of order or grieving?

londonsurrey

It's lovely that he's got you in his life.

As someone watching out for him, I'd force myself to go into coldly pragmatic mode. So, if he ever gets in a bad way, what will you do? This is for you and him to decide.

Imagine he does collapse. You call. He doesn't answer.
What's the next step? What would help him?

The current situation is caring. You call, he doesn't answer, you worry, he eventually answers the phone maybe a few days later. You're stressed, he feels embarassed, and knows you care. All well and good, but it doesn't actually cover him for if he does actually collapse.

So on a cold pragmatic level, either he accepts that he gets his freedom and your worrying is not going to achieve anything, or someone is paid/asked to pop round his place to check that he's not kissing the floor.

j.e.j.

It sounds to me like he simply doesn't want the family's company. As you say perhaps he felt like that before, but kept up appearances when Sophie was around, to keep the peace. He doesn't want people phoning up after him, and any conversations seem to have to be on his terms now. He does sound like a selfish person, but whether or not he was always that way inclined or whether losing someone close to him has brought out the worst in him it's not possible to say.

I don't know if grieving can change someone's personality as such, but I have seen it bring out the worst in someone, who also lost someone very close to her. And the person who died was also the one who had had a good influence on her when they were alive. But it's fair to say the worst was never very far from the surface. I don't think grieving makes someone into someone different.

dizsiebubba

j.e.j. wrote: »

It sounds to me like he simply doesn't want the family's company. As you say perhaps he felt like that before, but kept up appearances when Sophie was around, to keep the peace. He doesn't want people phoning up after him, and any conversations seem to have to be on his terms now. He does sound like a selfish person, but whether or not he was always that way inclined or whether losing someone close to him has brought out the worst in him it's not possible to say.

I don't know if grieving can change someone's personality as such, but I have seen it bring out the worst in someone, who also lost someone very close to her. And the person who died was also the one who had had a good influence on her when they were alive. But it's fair to say the worst was never very far from the surface. I don't think grieving makes someone into someone different.

Oh OP please don't read too much into this post because it doesn't sound like that to me. I doubt he doesn't want his family around!!!

J.E.J - The OP is grieving and I don't know if you meant your post to sound so mean but it came across quite nasty to me

Bennifred

I would say that Edgar has earned the right to be a little bit selfish after the last few years without everyone going on at him! You'd all be much more worried if he went into a depressive decline, wouldn't you?
Yes, he's been thoughtless over the dinner invites/ telling about women chatting him up, but to be honest I think you all need to let him lead the life he wants to. Perhaps he doesn't like being in everyone's pocket - he is an adult, after all.

londonsurrey

If you want to support someone who is grieving, remember why you're doing it.

You may be seeing someone go through the worst day/year/time of their lives. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realise that you probably will not be seeing them at their best.

You are there to support them, to listen, to be there. Remember, you are not doing it for the sheer pleasure of their company.

Welshwoofs

j.e.j. wrote: »

It sounds to me like he simply doesn't want the family's company. As you say perhaps he felt like that before, but kept up appearances when Sophie was around, to keep the peace. He doesn't want people phoning up after him, and any conversations seem to have to be on his terms now. He does sound like a selfish person, but whether or not he was always that way inclined or whether losing someone close to him has brought out the worst in him it's not possible to say.

A selfish person doesn't become a carer for their partner for 18 months; a selfish person would bundle them off into a hospice or get in someone to look after them.

You can't dictate how people grieve - what this man is doing is nothing out of the ordinary and I've seen other men do it. It doesn't mean they're selfish, it means they're feeling a bit rudderless and not sure of who they are/what position they fill in society. A family friend of ours did exactly the same thing when his wife died of cancer - he went to the pub every night...because he didn't like an empty house with lots of memories and he liked having strangers around who didn't know what his background were and wouldn't spend their time talking about his wife/asking him if he was ok.

Some people just need a bit of space when they're grieving; it doesn't make them bad people and in all honesty this guy's kids are in their 40s so they're more than capable of looking after themselves.

j.e.j.

dizsiebubba wrote: »

J.E.J - The OP is grieving and I don't know if you meant your post to sound so mean but it came across quite nasty to me

Oh, no I absolutely did not mean it to sound mean, sorry if it did. Maybe I just phrased it badly. I was just trying to get inside the head of someone who is behaving like that and imagining what MIGHT be going thru his mind. I was seeing it from his p.o.v. more than the family's. If i've spoken out of turn, I apologise!

Anyway, obviously none of us know him, or the OP, so it is a bit difficult to answer the question of whether or not it's his personality or the grieving process.

Tiddlywinks

dealing-with_grief wrote: »

He told me that he doesn't want to think about the last 3 years with Sophie and when he talks about her he always talks about the years prior to her diagnosis. He hates that he had to see his wife dying every day... he really did love her!

Looking after someone and watching them slowly lose their fight is horrific - I still have flashbacks from caring for my mum... images of the bad times that I desperately want to forget. You have to understand that he may be trying to protect himself and give himself some time.

He may feel that visiting with family 'forces' him to face the memories he wants to avoid... that's understandable.

dealing-with_grief wrote: »

Worried about him dying! He is too stubborn for a bracelet or emergency service... he thinks he is fine at only 68! But that is a whole different story!!!

Let him be... he is an adult and may just need some space.

Sometimes we need to look at ourselves and ask why we feel the NEED to be there and involved. Sometimes it's more for us that for that person - could it be that you feel the need to care for him more than he actually needs that care?

dealing-with_grief

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Let him be... he is an adult and may just need some space.

Sometimes we need to look at ourselves and ask why we feel the NEED to be there and involved. Sometimes it's more for us that for that person - could it be that you feel the need to care for him more than he actually needs that care?

Most definitely... I also need him as part of my grieving

Mojisola

dealing-with_grief wrote: »

Worried about him dying! He is too stubborn for a bracelet or emergency service... he thinks he is fine at only 68! But that is a whole different story!!!

Honestly, 68 isn't old. Our children will still be expected to be at work at that age.