Advice needed

Ms_Chocaholic

Can I ask what your GD is like once she returns to her mother's care (once her daddy has left) - is she upset?

fionamay41

She is happy to be back runs in tries to shut the door in her dads face , refuses to say good bye to him. When asked what she has done at dads house the usual answer is "nothing" she also refuses to speak to him on the phone.
Someone mentioned separation anxiety but I don't think this is the problem because she attends a chil minder and nursery without any problems.
At a loss what to do, it is so upsetting to see her getting distraught when her father arrives.

Ms_Chocaholic

If a child behaviour changes once they return home from contact then this can be indicative of a concern; other than wishing to shut the door in her father's face, there is nothing in your post #23 that her behaviour changes when she returns home which is a good sign.

Also Social Services are unlikely to get involved in this due to it being a private law matter.

Ms_Chocaholic

Can I also ask .... what does your daughter do to prepare your granddaughter for contact with her father.

fionamay41

Sorry I thought you meant immediate return. Behavior does change when she comes home but usually takes 12/24 hrs very tearful refusal to eat, aggressive towards animals, tantrums . This calms down after a few days, as if she needs to get something out of her system. Regarding preparation for going to her dads, we usually start telling her a few days before, that she is going to daddy's house. Nothing too much but gentle reminders and a day countdown.

purple.sarah

Ms_Chocaholic wrote: »

If a child behaviour changes once they return home from contact then this can be indicative of a concern; other than wishing to shut the door in her father's face, there is nothing in your post #23 that her behaviour changes when she returns home which is a good sign.

Also Social Services are unlikely to get involved in this due to it being a private law matter.

Visitation may be a family law matter but the little girl saying she's scared of her dad because he hits her should be a concern for social services.

Mojisola

fionamay41 wrote: »

Sorry I thought you meant immediate return. Behavior does change when she comes home but usually takes 12/24 hrs very tearful refusal to eat, aggressive towards animals, tantrums . This calms down after a few days, as if she needs to get something out of her system. Regarding preparation for going to her dads, we usually start telling her a few days before, that she is going to daddy's house. Nothing too much but gentle reminders and a day countdown.

As she gets so upset, I would stop doing this.

funnythings

Hi,

We went through very much the same as you in recent times.

When my daughters ex partner collected my garandaughter she would do the same kick scream and cry which broke our hearts to see, the ex partner would stand at the door and say nothing but watch, then pick her up and walk off with her in tears.

It's not to bad at the moment.
We give my grandaughter half hour warning that her dad will be arriving and telling her again every 10 mins until he arrives.(this only really works if he turns up on time)

When he arrives at the door we tell her that daddy is at the door. then we let her do as she pleases.(we tell daddy that shes not quite ready) we don't push it we just stand back and allow her to do what she wants, sometimes she gets upset,or she will go back and play with her toys, we try and make it as relaxed as we can, and we allow her to take her time but gently remindering her that daddy is waiting, within a couple weeks the tears has stopped but she still makes him wait but it may only be 5-10 minutes.

We tried every thing before, me and my daughter would be intears by the time our little sweetie got into her daddy's car. but doing this for us is working.

As for your grandaughter's daddy wanting 3 week contact at the end of summer this is far too long in my opinion. when my daughter ex partner asked the courts for two weeks hoilday this year he was informed that this lengh of contact will not be considered until she was in full time education at the moment he has her for one week for the summer holiday.

funnythings

fionamay41 wrote: »

We have thought of filming her reaction but not sure if it would be of any help. In response ot her being happy once the car has pulled off we have our reservations, when she comes back it would appear she can't waittoget away from her father, ie shutting the door in his face!

We filmed and recorded conversations on the door step and took photos collected e-mails for certain issues that was going on in our situation.

if you would like more advice on this please let me know and i be happy to help.

Also keep a diary, writing everything down.

Courts need proof...not hearsay

eskimo26

Take the child to see a child therapist/psychologist.

If their is abuse happening they are qualified to get to the bottom of it, if it is just anxiety they can work with the child to overcome it.

Maybe she needs to start bullying him a little, the Mother has a lot of power in these situations she just needs to research how to be as difficult as possible without being pulled up about it by the court.

Also why no residency order? :eek:

Also i'm not a lawyer but as i understand it grandparents and other family have to apply for access so it stands to reason this access is only for him and you can refuse his request to have her stay with family without him present.

Make sure you have all his requests in wring or recorded to create a paper trail.

Maintain pressure on social services and document evidence as recommended by another poster!

my daughter still feels intimidated by him because of the verbal and physical abuse in the past.

She doesn't have to have any contact with him whatsoever. Pick up can be arranged away from the house, everything else via a lawyer.

How difficult
is it to stop a father seeing his child

As i explained quite easy with the right methods. All the men posting about infrequent access despite court orders can attest to that.

Some relevant questions here are put to a lawyer [british not scottish law] some identical to yours:
http://www.onlydads.org/expert_family_law.html

Q. Hi I'm a mother of a beautiful 4year old son. His father and I were never married and separated just after his 1st birthday when he left me for another woman. He took me to court for full custody and I willingly agreed to letting him have him 3 nights a week as u believed a child needs both parents. However, his girlfriend had a child 9 months younger who now older is bullying my son ( despite being younger and through my son's dads admittance) and they have since had two more children. Each Sunday afternoon is a battle to 'force' my child to giro his fathers when he comes to pick him up. I of course try to explain how his daddy missed and loves him Nd wants to see him bit he kicks and screams explaining he doesn't want to see him. This has been going on for three years and I feel I'm forcing him to go to a household he is not comfortable in and he is an outsider. He also says his 'stepmum' smacks him which I of course do not agree with and I'm rather concerned. I'm not sure what to do as I am soon to be a student but feel he is more comfortable with me and I want to reduce the time he spends with him as I feel it is decreasing his abort to fit in at home and school as well as hindering disciplinary procedures at home as he has two completely different lives! My poor boy doesn't doesnt know whether he is coming or going and it is affecting his learning capabilities considerably! His teachers are extreme concerned also that the court agreement is a bog issue for his education and soci abilities. Any advice?

A. Hi

I sympathise with you. Do try talking about the concerns to his father in a way that is not accusatory. Say how your son is often afraid/reluctant to attend contact and see if your ex offers any reassurances or useful ways to deal with the situation. If you cannot have that conversation and mediation doesn't work, ask you solicitor to write a non confrontational letter dealing tactfully with the issues. If you feel it appropriate, reduce the contact until the issue is resolved.

Good luck. Your son needs you to protect him from harmful situations and therefore, you are doing the right thing by listening to him and trying to make changes for his benefit. Try to explain to your ex that if he makes a few changes, his relationship will only improve and your son will start enjoying contact again.

Best regards

Harjit Sarang