How do you feel happy in yourself?

londoner1998

figaro36 wrote: »

It's something I've never managed to do, even though in theory I 'should' be very happy and to an extent I am, but not quite happy enough in myself.

I worry too much about what people think, and about whether they like me or not. I also think quite negatively about people and get irritated easily, yet at the same time I want people to like me

I just want to do my own thing and not worry about others but I just can't.

Well, accept you are a work in progress. We all are. Why are you not happy in yourself? What is missing? If you can identify that, you can then change it. I agree with the ones that say that you have to accept yourself first before you can accept others.
We live in a society that is constantly selling us the idea of 'happy' as 'perfect'. But we are humans, perfection as such doesn't exist. Having travelled around the world and seen some really, really poor and sick people , I have come to realise that as long as we have the basic needs covered (food, water, shelter) and good health, that's enough. Anything else is a created need and with that, comes dissatisfaction. We are told we have to look like so and so and have the perfect marriage/boyfriend/teeth/breasts, whatever, otherwise, is not right and we are not good enough. . And so we go thinking we are not enough. It could also be something that happened early in life that put that voice in our heads: 'is not enough. You are not good enough'. We think is others judging, but it is us, really. I have had that voice, but I am aware that is not true, it has never been and that like everyone else, I am a work in progress. Spending time in India with very sick people and really poor families that would welcome me with open arms and wonderful smiles made me realise how much time we waste with this internal dialogue and judging others. These days, when I find myself irritated by others or judging, I stop myself and think of the soul that is within the body in front of me. I don't know their story and I can't judge it. We all try to do what we think is right. That generally makes me more compassionate and makes the ugly thought go away.

Start by doing things that make you feel good, and give yourself permission not to be perfect. Go out and do something for others: that really is the key to more contendment, sharing and connecting.

At least you realised what is going on, so that 's the first step towards feeling more fulfilled.

FatVonD

Remember too that while everyone might like to live the dream not everyone's dream is the same. You don't need to aspire to be like everyone else, do what makes you happy and enjoy the little things.

Somebody earlier (sorry, wasn't logged in to thank at the time!) mentioned enjoying the smoothness of a cup, I love, love, love nice pottery/china/glass and it could be a really expensive luxury if was the replace everything at home every time I liked a new design. Instead I buy just one of something beautiful to have at work so every time I lift my glass I get a little rush of enjoyment. NOw china and pottery may not be your thing but maybe a lovely body lotion is, be kind to yourself and enjoy the small stuff

FatVonD

At risk of revealing my old hippy credentials I like to read this now and again:

http://www.fleurdelis.com/desiderata.htm

ally101

if it helps when I feel like that I write lists. sometimes it helps to see all your good quality's and achievements in front of you on paper and can really give a little boost. I also write down little things id like to tweak and set about to change them, for example the last time I begun to question myself I ended up sat down with my partner explaining how sometimes I didn't feel listened to and it would make me feel more appreciated if just sometimes he gave me his undivided attention when I felt I had something important to discuss. he didn't know he made me feel like that and now I feel listened to and he understands me better.

you have to remember that you are in charge of your own happiness, no one else and only you have the power to make yourself feel better or worse

Tish_P

The book "The happiness project" by Gretchen Rubin is really good. It's more thoughtful and thought-provoking than the chirpy bestseller cover would lead you to think.

For me, if I'm feeling flat it's usually down to a lack of sleep or exercise. Prosaic, but true.

Artytarty

Oh Bear, I totally empathise with you. I can only ever be as happy as my least happy child. Sometimes that is very happy, sometimes not so much.
I'm no good at living a happy life unless my nearest and dearest are,at the very least, OK.

determined_new_ms

This is interesting to me, I heard a similar debate on the radio this week, which sparked a furvent debate between me and oh. I think the ability to be happy can ebb and flow.

I had a terrible childhood, had children very young and life was tough for us financially. The teenage years were hell on earth - not joking with 2 teenagers who had a lot of difficulties and not having the skills to be able to deal with it all very well.

I have spent the last 3 years in therapy and have now come to a place that is very content. I am happy, it helps that my children are coming out of their difficulties so the continual strain isn't there, that financially I have enough of what I need and some left over. I met a wonder man who I have been with for 4 1/2 years and has taught me a lot about how I want to be and we have a very good and loving relationship.

But I have learnt how I have an automatic negative response to circumstances and how terribly hard I have been on myself over the years. The more I have learnt to be kinder on myself, I have also learnt to be kinder to others' actions and the more I don't really care about what other people think of me (looking at life this way is mainly to do with my oh and my counselling). The more I don't care about other's opinion of me, the more people like me!

Last week I had a really tough week at work, about 4 quite major things went wrong that either were directly my fault or I was involved in and by Friday I just felt like the week was awful and couldn't wait to crawl into bed at 5pm with some wine and hide under the covers. I have my counselling on Friday's at 2.30. I talked about my crap week for about 15mins and moved on to something else. During the session it clicked in my mind that there are lots of good things in my life, that even if the bad things at work had covered 5 hours - it didn't! - there were still 30 hours at work that weren't awful. That I still had my lovely oh, my dd and I are closer than we have been in years, I had been out to dinner with my best friend that week, the sun was shining and it was Friday! Actually not such a bad week after all!

I have over the last couple of years discovered & became interested in minimalism which has also contributed to feeling happier. I am learning to not constantly "want" things I don't need, not reading beauty magazines that make me feel dissatisfied. I also have discovered an interest in buddism - not that I am intending on becoming a buddist but some of the theory really speaks to me.

There have been a couple of people who I have known who have died recently, both of them suddenly and it has made me realise that life is for living and it is so precious that we have to grab what we can, do something that scares us every day and be in control. If you have a tendency to be hard on yourself then re-learn how you think. Its not easy - very costly for me - but worth the effort. I really do appreciate that sometimes the burdens of life can weigh us down and then we are likely to revert to learned behaviour but we do get to choose if we are happy. I find this reassuring, but it has taken me a while to get there

Armchair23

Hey Bitsy beans had it a few posts back, try mindfulness.
It always comes across totally dipstick but is incredibly helpful for so many people.
You can go to classes, you can buy books, you can download stuff for free.
It's a way of stopping those mean nagging voices that make you feel useless,stupid and out of control.
It's a way of helping people learn how to feel good about themselves again and not be constantly beating yourself up for how cr+p you are at stuff.
Sorry this always sounds so totally +anky but give it a go XX

Brallaqueen

Have you tried cognitive behaviour therapy? I'm told it has great results for negative thinking.

Mr_Toad

Seanymph wrote: »

I think we HAVE to be dissatisfied...

Otherwise how would anyone ever develop anything, or create anything, or have ambition?

So we are programmed to question, and want more, and be unhappy where we are....... to drive us.

What you are talking about is where it goes a bit wrong, or isn't directed in the right place.

I don't know how you put it back at motivating you to do something effective with it, but I hold onto the fact that it's normal to be driven through dissatisfaction.

What a very sad statement.

Not everyone is driven by unhappiness and there are plenty of happy people creating things and with ambition.

It is not normal to be driven by dissatisfaction, people who are driven are like that for many reasons. I'm driven to be a better guitar player not because I'm dissatisfied with my current standard but because I enjoy playing so much that I want to get as good as I can be and I know it will give me even more pleasure.