It is never too late to be what you might have been - George Eliot

ani_26

Maybe there is the "real you" i kinda got to know in this diary, then there is this other person which emerged, which i don't understand at all. x


It probably goes back to what i said, just this week.

You get to " know" a person, and when they change, in whatever way, it changes the whole dynamics.


But then, how far can you get to know a person on the internet? Only as far as they will let you?

ani_26

Grow old disgracefully?


Have a good weekend. xx

Rainbow_Bridge

I'll let you know, what I can, because I am flattered that you are interested at all, but be prepared, this post is going to be a long one, but I think it will explain why you can’t work out what I am really like.

I am just back from spending a couple of days with best friend no. 2, who I will mention shortly, I was supposed to stay today, but her house is soooooooo cold, and I was glad to get back to central heating and fillet steak!

I asked DH of all the persons we know, and we have a wide circle of friends, family and acquaintances, who was I most like, both in personality and looks, and he had no hesitation in saying best friend no. 1. I knew that would be his answer and that of the majority of people who know me.

We have been the best of buddies for 16 years and I am closer to her than my sisters. We lead very similar lives.

We have both been happily married for 20 years to men that are very similar, have children that are great friends, live in the same estate, come from similar backgrounds. We are both professionally educated, working with children. We look alike and even share the same first name. She even had a breakdown, similar to mine, after her brother and father died, within a short period of time.

What is she like …… She is lovely! Kind, loyal, bubbly, hardworking and very pretty. Her husband gives her £350.00 a month, to spend just on herself, because he likes her to look fabulous. So she wears very trendy clothes, has a permanent fake tan, shellac nails, woven eyebrows, hair extensions and highlights, and has a perfect size 10 figure, because she works out at the gym three times each week.

This is where we differ, because my husband is quite happy with me in jeans and a tee-shirt, with no make-up on, so I don’t make nearly as much of an effort as she does. But, I love it when I do!! I feel amazing. We like to go on spa days together, lunch in nice restaurants, take the kids on great days out and we regularly share a bottle of wine and a girlie film.

But, DH and BF 1 are very conventional thinkers and happily accept the status quo, that their upbringing dictates.

I have another side of me, that of a very deep thinker, that enjoys reading books on very diverse subjects that are socially unacceptable in my circle, so they get read in brown paper bags. I’ve tried to bring up subjects like,

“Could the universe actually be holographic and the people in it receiving transmitters capable of tuning in to other frequencies?” or

“There is a huge amount of evidence that would suggest that our ancestors were actually reptilian ET’s connected to the planet Sirius, why do 99.9% of people ignore it?”

Nobody I knew was in the slightest bit interested, in fact just the mention of any of these subjects made them extremely uncomfortable, so I kept my mouth shut, until I met best friend No. 2, shortly after my breakdown.

Best friend 2 has Aspergers, is 15 years older than me, is happily married to a man who is on the autistic spectrum, in a celibate arrangement.

She lives in an old house with lots of land, and no heating except for a log fire in each of the rooms. She shares her environment with 2 dogs, 6 cats, 15 hens, 3 geese and what I call king mouse. He is a little fellow who lives behind the fire and routinely pops out and wanders around the room, he even sits on the back of the couch and watches television. Nobody bothers him, whereas my house is ultra modern, hermetically sealed with a no pets allowed rule, that is enforced.

DF 2 never washes her long grey hair, because she believes that hair is self cleaning, has never worn make-up or any kind of nail varnish, she has had the same clothes for years. She lives very frugally, grows most of her own food from heirloom seeds in big green houses in her garden. She mainly eats raw, organic food, makes her own wine, is a brilliant baker and can knock up anything on her sewing machine.

She is very suspicious of modern medicine and has a herb room that would be the envy of any white witch, with 100’s of different herbs from which she can produce a potion or lotion for any ailment. She talks to trees, and believes in the spirit of nature, can divine water and has very strong psychic abilities.

She has a Mensa IQ, and is the most intelligent, well read person I have ever met.

However, she has non-existent social skills and cannot work out the acceptable rules for social engagement, which she sees as deceitful, consequently she has told me that I am the only friend, apart from her husband, that she has ever had. She does not trust, what she calls, neurotypicals, and believes that their way of life is totally unsustainable and will lead to the extinction of the species within my son’s generation. Her view is that the Asperger brain is an evolutionary development that is mankind’s only hope for survival. My personal opinion is that her lack of social and sexual skills would mean that although the earth and all the other animals would survive, quite happily, the human race would still be doomed.

DF 2 believes that I have an Aspergers brain and that we are soul mates, and that the other ‘me’ is an act I put on in order to blend into society. We do talk for hours and hours and I enjoy her company immensely and I actually agree that her way of life makes sense up to a point, but after two days with her I was longing to get back to a light film, a warm house, and my traditional Sunday treat of fillet steak and red wine, with a cuddly husband.

BF1 and BF2 don’t like or trust each other, but I love both of them equally. If they both represent aspects of my personality and DF1 was an orange and DF2 was an apple then I would describe myself as and ORAP, bi, needing to swing both ways. I wonder if there are any other ORAP’s in existence?

I bet you wished you’d never asked. What do you make of all that?

ani_26

Rainbow_Bridge wrote: »

I'll let you know, what I can, because I am flattered that you are interested at all, but be prepared, this post is going to be a long one, but I think it will explain why you can’t work out what I am really like.

I am just back from spending a couple of days with best friend no. 2, who I will mention shortly, I was supposed to stay today, but her house is soooooooo cold, and I was glad to get back to central heating and fillet steak!

I asked DH of all the persons we know, and we have a wide circle of friends, family and acquaintances, who was I most like, both in personality and looks, and he had no hesitation in saying best friend no. 1. I knew that would be his answer and that of the majority of people who know me.

We have been the best of buddies for 16 years and I am closer to her than my sisters. We lead very similar lives.

We have both been happily married for 20 years to men that are very similar, have children that are great friends, live in the same estate, come from similar backgrounds. We are both professionally educated, working with children. We look alike and even share the same first name. She even had a breakdown, similar to mine, after her brother and father died, within a short period of time.

What is she like …… She is lovely! Kind, loyal, bubbly, hardworking and very pretty. Her husband gives her £350.00 a month, to spend just on herself, because he likes her to look fabulous. So she wears very trendy clothes, has a permanent fake tan, shellac nails, woven eyebrows, hair extensions and highlights, and has a perfect size 10 figure, because she works out at the gym three times each week.

This is where we differ, because my husband is quite happy with me in jeans and a tee-shirt, with no make-up on, so I don’t make nearly as much of an effort as she does. But, I love it when I do!! I feel amazing. We like to go on spa days together, lunch in nice restaurants, take the kids on great days out and we regularly share a bottle of wine and a girlie film.

But, DH and BF 1 are very conventional thinkers and happily accept the status quo, that their upbringing dictates.

I have another side of me, that of a very deep thinker, that enjoys reading books on very diverse subjects that are socially unacceptable in my circle, so they get read in brown paper bags. I’ve tried to bring up subjects like,

“Could the universe actually be holographic and the people in it receiving transmitters capable of tuning in to other frequencies?” or

“There is a huge amount of evidence that would suggest that our ancestors were actually reptilian ET’s connected to the planet Sirius, why do 99.9% of people ignore it?”

Nobody I knew was in the slightest bit interested, in fact just the mention of any of these subjects made them extremely uncomfortable, so I kept my mouth shut, until I met best friend No. 2, shortly after my breakdown.

Best friend 2 has Aspergers, is 15 years older than me, is happily married to a man who is on the autistic spectrum, in a celibate arrangement.

She lives in an old house with lots of land, and no heating except for a log fire in each of the rooms. She shares her environment with 2 dogs, 6 cats, 15 hens, 3 geese and what I call king mouse. He is a little fellow who lives behind the fire and routinely pops out and wanders around the room, he even sits on the back of the couch and watches television. Nobody bothers him, whereas my house is ultra modern, hermetically sealed with a no pets allowed rule, that is enforced.

DF 2 never washes her long grey hair, because she believes that hair is self cleaning, has never worn make-up or any kind of nail varnish, she has had the same clothes for years. She lives very frugally, grows most of her own food from heirloom seeds in big green houses in her garden. She mainly eats raw, organic food, makes her own wine, is a brilliant baker and can knock up anything on her sewing machine.

She is very suspicious of modern medicine and has a herb room that would be the envy of any white witch, with 100’s of different herbs from which she can produce a potion or lotion for any ailment. She talks to trees, and believes in the spirit of nature, can divine water and has very strong psychic abilities.

She has a Mensa IQ, and is the most intelligent, well read person I have ever met.

However, she has non-existent social skills and cannot work out the acceptable rules for social engagement, which she sees as deceitful, consequently she has told me that I am the only friend, apart from her husband, that she has ever had. She does not trust, what she calls, neurotypicals, and believes that their way of life is totally unsustainable and will lead to the extinction of the species within my son’s generation. Her view is that the Asperger brain is an evolutionary development that is mankind’s only hope for survival. My personal opinion is that her lack of social and sexual skills would mean that although the earth and all the other animals would survive, quite happily, the human race would still be doomed.

DF 2 believes that I have an Aspergers brain and that we are soul mates, and that the other ‘me’ is an act I put on in order to blend into society. We do talk for hours and hours and I enjoy her company immensely and I actually agree that her way of life makes sense up to a point, but after two days with her I was longing to get back to a light film, a warm house, and my traditional Sunday treat of fillet steak and red wine, with a cuddly husband.

BF1 and BF2 don’t like or trust each other, but I love both of them equally. If they both represent aspects of my personality and DF1 was an orange and DF2 was an apple then I would describe myself as and ORAP, bi, needing to swing both ways. I wonder if there are any other ORAP’s in existence?

I bet you wished you’d never asked. What do you make of all that?

Flattered? Blimey, that's a bit wotsit? :eek:


I've copied this post before you edited it? Strange i was just going to do something worthwhile, like unpacking?


What do i make of all this?


Are you sure this isn't BF2 you are talking to, here? :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

ani_26

And i still can't reconcile between the two of you.



Are you a gemini?


( meant in the nicest possible way.)

ani_26

The truth is, BF2 describes me so accurately, especially on the social skills side.

ani_26

Rainbow_Bridge wrote: »

My personal opinion is that her lack of social and sexual skills would mean that although the earth and all the other animals would survive, quite happily, the human race would still be doomed.

Exactly.


Oh well. If you converse with me, you'll just have to bear with me, and imagine you are conversing with DF2, and stroke me on the back, whilst uttering, there there, m'dear.

NewLeaf_2

dear RB.. wading into a discussion that isnt mine. I think all of us are 4D. I don't think it has anything to do with multiple personalities or anything like that. to be 100% authentic, you believe in and talk about things that resonate with you even if the ideas are opposed to each other.

To me you are perfect just as you are.

Rainbow_Bridge

It is lovely to have your input NewLeaf, and what a beautiful comment, that touched my heart xx.

Ani, you reminded me of my BF2, I am glad that you resonate with her. I actually mentioned your posts to her, this weekend, and she said, that is exactly what I would have written!!!!!! I am Pisces.

I was thinking about the one other person, in my life, who I connected to on a really deep level, and it supports what Newleaf said. I think I am actually an ORAPMANGO.

Her husband has recently asked me to get back in touch with her and I have been avoiding doing so, because I didn't think I could cope, and what happened to her was a major trigger in my own breakdown, but you guys are so understanding that i'll type it as I think it and I would welcome your opinions.

This lady was Ghanaian. Her husband was a minister, who came over to study at Edinburgh University and they attended our church for four years.

We became extremely close, and she called me her soul sister. Through her I came to know and love the Ghanaian culture and characters. She had the most beautiful soul, sang all the time and loved God with all her heart. Her family background was a very traditional African one where many of her relatives were witch doctors.

She had left traditional African religion to become a Christian, which was a very courageous decision, but she still supported her family financially. She was the same age as me, stunning to look at, but the one thing that really saddened her, was like Hannah in the bible, she had never had a child though she had been married for 11 years. At 39 she became pregnant and thought it was a miracle, nobody could have wanted this child more than her. Unfortunately the baby died, after it was born full-term, she suffered a terrible breakdown, and ended up in a psychiatric institution diagnosed as schizophrenic. Nearly everyone she knew found her too difficult to cope with, but I remained a loyal friend to her and saw her every week. Eventually she could cope in society but she was heavily drugged, had put on a huge amount of weight, and could nolonger relate to the world.

Two years on and I could see the sparks of her old self returning. Then at 42 she became pregnant again, and she became her old self, although she was absolutely terrified that anything would happen to this baby. I thought that there was justice in the world and this baby would be born healthy and she would live happily ever after.

You guessed it, the next baby died in very similar circumstances to the first, a full term death. I think at that point my faith was completely destroyed. Her African family, decided that it was God cursing her because she had left the traditional faith and disowned her. Her Christian associates decided that it was God cursing her because she must have retained elements of her original faith. I kept on seeing her until she returned to Ghana, with her husband. I phoned a couple of times at £40.00 a call, wrote a few letters, but stopped 18 months ago, as I could not get a response from her.

Her husband tells me that for the last 18 months, she has not left the house, will hardly move from a chair and he has to do everything including feeding and washing her, she is basically comatose, and she has had hardly any visitors in that time.

I will get back in touch, because her husband is a wonderful man, who has loyally stuck by her, but what could I possibly do that will make her feel any better? Part of me thinks that what she is doing is an intelligent response to a very hostile environment, complete switch off xxx.

NewLeaf_2

RB we are both Pisceans!