It is never too late to be what you might have been - George Eliot

debtfreewannabe321

Rainbow_Bridge wrote: »

I am doing pretty well with calorie watching, but I don't seem to be able to concentrate to study. Stand by for a bit of psychobabble :rotfl:.

I mentioned to my friend, as we were going through her paperwork, that I had felt a pressure building in my head over the last week and I couldn't work out what was bothering me. She has practiced alternative medicine in the past and helped me with a technique called 'Tapping'.

Anyway, cut a long story short, we tapped for a bit and I ended up in floods of tears. It turned out that the visit that I had, had with the friend whose daughter suffered from anorexia, had triggered teenage memories of my own.

I had a very controlling mother with very strict religious views, who believed it was her way or the high way, and it honestly took my breakdown a couple of years ago, to start me working out what I really believed, I felt I had been living my mother's life and not my own.

I still haven't really figured out what life is all about, but at least I allowed myself to challenge my mother's paradigms.

Anyway, yesterday made me realise that there is still work to be done on removing my mother from my head. She is still alive and I love her very much, but she is a much mellower version than she was 30 years ago, and the old mum is still buried there deep in my psyche.

It's like peeling layers off an onion, but I am getting the hang of the process and I am confident that the day of the completely clear head is coming .

Will get back to the studying when head clears.

That felt good xx.

Morning RB I have recently done my reiki II attunement and also have had a lot of issues to work through. My father sounds a lot like your mum. He worked away an awful lot when we were younger yet we still did exactly as he wanted when he wasn't there, for example he didn't believe in religion so we weren't allowed to go to church (school events we went but he refused to go) my mum was a RC before they got together and whilst not a strict one she still believed but wasn't allowed to practice in front of him. I grew up believing a lot of his morals, values were set in stone and that was the way it was meant to be even though i deep down disagreed. Just recently (in the last 5 years or so) i've found spiritualism / buddhism which resonates with my beliefs so I loosely follow it, i told my dad only recently and he spent the entire weekend mocking me. Ah well at 33 i've learnt to ignore it and realise that everyone thinks differently. I only found this 'alternative' way after a break down also, i had 2 one after the other and extremely bad depression and you just learn to get on with things and do what you want to do, and what makes you happy. Sorry long rant/post. I've not yet learnt how to write what i want in just a few sentences

Rainbow_Bridge wrote: »

Day 16/365 - 4.4%

Tired this morning ... DS has been up in the night with a really nasty sore throat and DH got some news from an MRI scan yesterday, that wasn't as good as we'd hoped, so feeling a little bit flat.

I'm supposed to be treating myself, today, with my pal. We took advantage of an offer at a luxury spa hotel and have booked ourselves in for a spa day, pedicure and lunch.

I was going to do a couple of stores this morning and then drop DS off at a friends and leave the world behind for a day, but will have to see how DS is and whether DH is going into work .

Anyway, the early part of yesterday went really well. The new job is a regular one paying £9.00 an hour, 4.5 hours a week, on a Monday. It fits in with my P/T job at the school and the women i'll be working with are really nice. It turns out they are my rival mystery shoppers in this area, so we shall probably form a cosy cartel :rotfl:.

Also had a very lucid dream last night. I have them whenever I am trying to work through major things in my head. They used to really freak me out, as they are unbelievably real and detailed, and I used to have to fight them to get back to my 'real life', I didn't want to be stuck in the dream world. But, I'm kind of getting used to my head now.

It definitely has made me question whether there is such a thing as past lives or alternative realities, and wonder what on earth our purpose is here.

Anyway, my head is definitely clearer this morning. I made £69.00 yesterday, bringing the total to £485.50 or 156% of target.

I am still being pretty careful about what I am eating, but not as careful about spending as I should be and still not ready to pick up my study books.

Still, i'm doing OK, I don't tend to bother with beating myself up anymore, I just go with the flow and try and treat me, and everyone else kindly.

Bye for now xx.

well done on the job that's great pay and great that it fits in with you. sorry to hear about dh hope it's not too serious. My kids have been coughing for weeks now, they both have hayfever so i wonder if it's that sometimes as i know my hayfever keeps me up sometimes :think: I hope your ds feels better soon

I also have lucid dreams. Do you keep a dream journal, i have done in the past and been very surprised at what they 'supposedly' mean and often i think, can show you the way forward if at a cross roads

Anyway i've taken over your diary enough for one day :rotfl: hope you have a good day xx

bast

I think in life, certainly after a breakdown, and certainly now my children have grown up, you learn to be a little selfish. Whilst my family are still my life, I have learnt that I also need one and a lot more I find that o/h and I please ourselves far more than we have ever done in the 26 yrs we have been together. That does not mean to say we do not worry about them or help them, we have just spent a month in Germany helping my daughter after she had a horrible operation and illness after. I just think that you need to enjoy your life also.

I too had a difficult childhood, a major operation, and an adored brother who died young. I think this accumulates in a huge amount of grief which I denied. Remaining strong and not crying which was seen as weak in our family amounted to a massive amount of pain, anger, grief and sadness. There were other things ( i cannot talk about on a public forum)which resulted in a breakdown.

So I believe taking time for yourself, and your husband is of paramount importance. Letting go of all the negativity and pain of things that happened in the past, that cant be changed is a wonderful release. If tapping does this for you than go for it. For me a dam good cry and rant does it, or sometimes if I am honest having a few glasses of wine and chat with the o/h does it as I find it so hard to talk about things and being tipsy makes it a lot easier.:)

bast

((((hugs))) for O/h I hope he is okay...:(

debtfreewannabe321

Rainbow_Bridge wrote: »

"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they attack you, then you win."

Mahatma Ghandi is a hero of mine.

That's a lovely quote and very apt, i think people that laugh do so because they are scared to think that anything 'outside the box' could be true.

So sorry to hear about dh at least they are monitoring it and know about it so that's always a good thing i guess ...

Those dreams you speak of, when they do happen to me (not so much lately, usually when i'm going through 'things' ) are great, i tell myself i am asleep so i can do whatever i want. I kind of know that everything i do will be 'safe' because it's not 'real' per se but they are very exciting! I've heard there is a way of inducing these dreams, but can't remember how right now (i read so much, yet retain so little :rotfl:)...

And Bast, i hope your DD is ok now :A xx

bast

Thank you she is fine home again and so much happier... I missed her loads.. I also read your thread.. I love your stories, the cake one cracked me up sorry but I had to chuckle. I too do the gym constantly diet although I love food and red wine.. and like yourself have had my share of a hangover or two hee hee

debtfreewannabe321

bast wrote: »

Thank you she is fine home again and so much happier... I missed her loads.. I also read your thread.. I love your stories, the cake one cracked me up sorry but I had to chuckle. I too do the gym constantly diet although I love food and red wine.. and like yourself have had my share of a hangover or two hee hee

oh don't mention cake lady :rotfl: that will be MOI on Saturday seeing as though i can't trust a professional (i expect i will be even crazier than her by the end of it!)

And i have to go to the gym just to maintain my weight after all i eat & drink oops! I'm supposed to be losing it...but can't quite leave the fridge & cupboards alone

Rainbow_Bridge

Day 18/365 - 4.9%

Well I have kept this diary up for 18 days and it has definitely helped me to stay on focus.

My month is going to run from payday to payday, so today is month end.

So my original intention was to lose 1.5 lb and gain £100.00 each month, and I have done this in July :j.

I have hit £565.00/£310.00 - 157% target which I am delighted with.

NSD's and studying fell by the wayside, so will address these next month, but overall this ship is gradually steering away from the iceberg.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever God may be,
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance,
I have not cried nor winced aloud,
Under the bludgeoning of chance,
My head is bloody but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how straight the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the captain of my fate,
I am the master of my soul.

William Earnest Henley, 1875

debtfreewannabe321

Have a fab holiday RB And look forward to hearing from you when you're back xx

Rainbow_Bridge

33/365 - 9%

I'm back and determined to complete my quest .

I had a really great holiday, lots of variety and weather was pretty decent the whole time, so I am looking healthy , or as Billy Connolly would say 'windswept and interesting'.

We stuck pretty much to our budget. Just a wee overspend on a Forbidden Fruits, Fig Fatale candle at a Party Lite evening. £18.00, but it smells heavenly ......

Studying went really well, but couldn't quite get my bottom into gear to stick to any kind of walking plan.

So as of the 11th August I have put on 2lb during my holiday, which means I now need to lose 3lb by month end to keep on track, and after saving £100.00 and paying all the regular bills, I have £120.00 a week for DS/Clothes/Misc and food, which is manageable.

I have decided to take this £120.00 out each Friday, and try and make every penny a prisoner.

So plan for the day is a Mystery Shop at a local travel agency, a deep clean of the house and then a B-B-Q in the back garden as it looks like it is going to be another fab day.

Off we go ...

'Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you'.
Dr. Seuss

ani_26

bast wrote: »

I think once you have a breakdown there is a little fear that you might fall in that abyss again. As a very strong person I have never understood those with depression or mental health problems, I have been sympathetic but never realised what it is like. Once you have seen that darkness you know how scary it is. Anyway I think you have to face your fears and work hard at staying healthy, at enjoying life, money is important and we all need to recognise that ... but you also need to have a little fun. Stave yourself too much of fun and life becomes a rut. We take out 60 pounds a week for food and entertainment... The fun part is how to we make it last.. if we have to take out an extra 10 pounds then so be it... but although it sounds boring we have so much fun together, cooking, shopping, bargain hunting, eating out cheaply and glasses of the old nectar... wine:rotfl: I forgot until I read your post how much fun we have in the now... I am fortunate to be semi-retired.. Husband retired due to ill health...

I think you do really well with your money. Occasionally you do need to have a little splurge just to remind yourself that you are alive..:)

Only too true. It only makes me realise i haven't made it out of the breakdown stage, yet.