make do and mend for tougher times

kidcat

Thank you all, bumped into a group member while out earlier and she said that the person feels threatened, she has never had anyone in the group before that can do what she does apparently and she thinks I probably could. Which is true I could - however I dont want too, I am much too involved at home, with the kids and setting up my parents advocacy group to want to take on any more.

I am focusing on my kids and advocating for other parents and kids with ASD to help them achieve an education and that is enough. I am going to back off for a while and let her see I really do not want to run her group. Have blocked her seeing what I am doing on FB and a few of the others have done the same.

Shelley - you are quite right younger ones come with huge access issues which I had totally forgotten.

Katie - I am appalled at the idea that they would not disclose serious medical conditions to you, what would have happened if the child had fallen and required urgent treatment.

And this is why children in care are so hard to place, there are so many issues and trials most people simply walk away.

Our LA has a policy not to allow people to take on children more than a year or two older than their own children so we were approved for under 12s only. We were also "chosen" or whatever to do emergency baby placements which effectively meant we could get a call in middle of night to take in a child under one. Had we continued we were told it was likely we would specialise in babies, which I would have found hard I think.

kidcat

Fuddle ignore my last post I crossed post with you, do not be embarrassed - you have taken an idea looked into, listened to advice and then carefully considered it. Thats a really gown up thing to do, you didnt just get an idea and dash off head first you took time and considered and that is good. If only more people took that kind of approach how much better would the world be.
Also it may not be right now but what about when your kids are older late teens, it may well be right then. Its not a no, its a not yet.

shelley_crow

fuddle wrote: »

I need to know these things. To be honest I am put off but that is no bad thing. An awful lot to think about but I think Mar is right is suggesting that child minding would be easier.

I have played 'keepy uppy' with the issues today. I hate to say it but I don't think fostering is for me. Is that a bad thing? I feel like I have so much to give but selfishly I am not prepared to alter the dynamics of my family. I feel like I want to give a vulnerable little one a home but I don't want all the heart ache that comes with that. I feel like I'm letting myself down. I feel like I have quit at the first hurdle.

I hope I haven't embarrassed myself today. I'm a bit ashamed and wished I hadn't said anything now.

Not at all hun, your children have to come first, no-one could ever criticise you for considering their needs before anything else. Fostering might not be right for you now but you could revisit it again when your kids are older maybe? Childminding would be great experience to draw from in a few years time.

It wouldn't hurt to give your local authority fostering team a ring or maybe even an agency. Very often they will answer any questions you have, either by phone or with a home visit.

smileyt_2

Fuddle I would never foster boys with little girls either - a woman I know was abused as a child by a boy just a year older. They were only little, but unfortunately this boy knew much more about female anatomy than is normal for a boy that age (about 7 or 8). Turned out he had been exposed by his father to hardcore p o r n videos. :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:( She got blamed for being dirty and playing 'doctors and nurses' and has had horrendous issues coming to terms with it as an adult. :(

I first heard about the charity I do supported lodgings for over fifteen years ago. I thought it was a great idea to give a home to teenagers who'd been thrown out of their own home for being gay, but I wasn't ready at the time, I had to come to terms with my own sexuality first and be comfortable with it. Now I am on my third boy. So put the fostering on the back burner for now if you want and don't be embarrassed about it as it is something you can do later on. Sadly there will probably still be a need. In the meantime, maybe you could give a thought to special needs childminding for kids with disabilities. Or maybe you could be a short-break foster carer for kids with disabilities, to give their parents some respite. There's definitely no money in that, though. I looked into it for myself but as there's no retainer I couldn't afford to keep the spare room empty for long periods of time, and this will be doubly so once the bedroom tax comes in, if I need to claim Housing Benefit. You could maybe take a child for a weekend once a month. It would be good for your own littlies too, as they would come to see disability as just another part of the human ability spectrum. You might have to have Alfie passed by a vet as being of good temperament or something.

I know that bit (about the retainer) sounds mercenary and I wouldn't be doing it just for the money, just like you wouldn't, but it was unfortunately going to make me struggle financially if I had to leave the room empty for long periods of time.

Anyway, do not be embarrassed about mentioning it and then changing your mind. It just means that if or when you do decide to go ahead, you will not be doing it on a whim but will have made a considered decision.

Kidcat you don't come across as pushy or a know-it-all to me. Superwoman, yes, but not pushy or arrogant!

Hello to Wigglebeena, Adelight and Angel-Jenny and hope I've not missed out any other de-lurkers. Welcome to the mad house :rotfl:.

Evie74_2

Fuddle - you've no need to be embarrassed at all! You've considered the idea and decided that now is not the right time. You are completely right to put the needs of your own children first. If fostering appeals to you and DH then maybe you can consider it again as the girls get older. As Kidcat says, it's not a no, it's a not yet. And a few years' childminding experience would surely be of help if you did decide to go down the fostering route.

I am off to snuggle on the sofa with DH as Vertigo is on at 9pm - the old classics are the best! Trying to ignore gnawing hunger pangs; my tummy has got to get used to less. It doesn't help that DH has broken open a chocolate orange... talk about a test of willpower! :rotfl:

Evie xx

smileyt_2

Evie74 wrote: »

I am off to snuggle on the sofa with DH as Vertigo is on at 9pm - the old classics are the best! Trying to ignore gnawing hunger pangs; my tummy has got to get used to less. It doesn't help that DH has broken open a chocolate orange... talk about a test of willpower! :rotfl:

Evie xx

I would bash your DH over the head with that chocolate orange :rotfl:. Does he know that he is tormenting you? Cruel man!!

fuddle

Oh Evie, I had trifle after lunch, a glass of red wine and a few too many (greedily) of roasted peanuts. Oh cripes and some of MIL's chocolates. Well done on not giving in!

Smiley I knew you did supported lodgings but I didn't know why you did it. That's cool and a lovely thing to do. Apart from his lack of wanting to get his hands in the fairy liquid, do you get on ok?

It may be an idea I come back to. I have a feeling it will be something that i'll revisit when the girls are teenagers. Who knows, childminding may be enough for me.

SpikyHedgehog

Rosanna79 wrote: »

Grandma
Although it is many years ago since I lived in rented accomodation with payment meters, I do remember my landlady used to come to the property whilst someone from the utility ( presumably the electricity Board or gas) emptied the meters. We were always entitled to a cash rebate.

As long as we were there when the meters were emptied she didn't have the legal right to the money so would not take it. If we were absent when meter emptying took place she pocketed the rebate. I guess there have always been greedy landlords- sometimes during my student days that money would help me to eat for the rest of the week.

I know we have many different utility companies nowadays and am unsure of the present legal position. I hope you are able to get the correct info to help your BIl without , as you say making him feel less than able to look after his rights.

Interesting to hear various opinions on letting children play out.

I come from the generation which had very little health & safety awareness, apart from a bit of stranger danger. We seemed to be out playing for hours and to survive very well.

When my late brother and his partner took over the care of her 9 & 10 year old nieces after the untimely death of their mother at the back end of 1998. my brother was quite clear that the rate of child abduction had not gone up appreciably in the preceding 30 years. He insisted the girls were encouraged to find their way to & from school. He was blind and on one occasion the only adult available to mind the two girls and four friends when their school was closed. Everyone was worried but returned to find a crowd of kids happily playing whilst he sat nearby listening to the test match! No child tried it on with my brother. His personality was so strong they listened to his reasoning with them- he made sense.

He taught the girls aged about 12 & 13 to take a bus from the village into Cambridge, to board a train to London, then to cross London, board a train to Brighton & find their way to their father's house. There was uproar among friends & family. What he did , in fact, was to get the girls to take a blind person on that journey- himself. He was an amazing person, one of the best things that ever happened to them. Their self confidence & very wide experience of life is in a large part due to his influence and a lasting tribute to him since he died 5 years ago.

Has anyone got experience of modern weddings & the apparent lack of wedding lists these days?

OH & I are to attend the evening do of my cousin's youngest daughter in the next few weeks. Through unfortunate circumstances my cousin & I were kept apart for 30 years and although the last 20 have seen a great friendship grow between us I only know her 3 daughters as adults. They're nice girls on the whole.

The youngest, however, is always short of money and seems to be constantly needing financial bailouts, to the point that her parents are no longer able or willing to keep forking out, as like OH & I they too are retired.

The invitation we received had a poem that basically asked for money towards the honeymoon. I've been attending a patchwork class where the pieces of work I had on display were , on my own admission, a gorgeous lined & quilted tote bag & a patchwork cushion I want to give this lass as part of her wedding present. They are individual, one off pieces as are all of my craft items.

I'd originally planned to give her a £50 cash gift as well but am being told by family (including her own mother) & friends that £25 is more than enough in the circumstances. especially after all the time & effort I've put into the items I've made. In our family I'm the person who makes all sorts of craft items.

Has anyone else faced this sort of dilemma & have any thoughts on this. I'm very fond of the lass but despair of her financial !!!!lessness. Her older sisters seem much more sensible.

Best wishes to all those going through very difficult times at present.

Is anyone else dodging the Olympics?!!

I'd not give more than £25, even without the bag. Unless I was very close to someone & could afford it well.

grandma247 wrote: »

Rosanna that was a lovely post. Your brother sounds amazing, what a clever man.

Would it be possible to give your gift plus £25.00 plus a book about personal finance such as ones Martin has written or recommends?

I like the idea of a book, but would only get it if I knew the bride & groom would appreciate it & not be offended...

stiltwalker

Fuddle - don't worry about thinking now is not the right time - OH and I talked about very possibly fostering as the kids got older but as it has become apparent how much extra they are both going to need as a result of the Jouberts it's something that has to go very much on the back burner for many years we just don't have the mental energy to give our best to them and to do right by any possible foster kids. We have said we may consider it again in the future (if we're not too old by then!) or maybe respite care for kids with special needs as we will certainly have the experience by then and also the appreciation of quite how valuable a bit of respite is both for families and the kids themselves. Time will tell as these are only possibilities if both our kids do as well as we hope and if we've not managed to wear ourselves out completely getting them there - lol!

Popperwell

Angel_Jenny wrote: »

I think I was born middle aged! I am in the WI and go to a knitting group but there are no classes or groups other than that around here.

Thinking of joining an art class just to get me out (I work full time and am a part time carer at home) but would prefer to go to quilting or jam making or dress making!

I have found that a neighbouring town has a u3a facility thanks to a kind poster on here but to be honest many of the classes/meetings are not suitable and I think you need good health(Gardening/walking etc...)

I found one meeting happens per month in my town but no information as to what they do there. And it does not show up on the internet except by chance for some reason.

And even the churches don't do much in the way of social groups mainly an odd coffee morning and that's about it!

But a chat may be welcome and it gets you out...


Nothing wrong with being a member of WI;)and if you are holding down a job and caring for someone you really are doing well, I take my hat off to you.

I never found it a chore with Mum and I'd give anything to still be doing it but heck I'm not far off being a pensioner myself(take your pick regarding age)10 years if the retirement age had not been changed, 12 years if it stays where it is but if they keep putting it back as I suspect they will retirement will start even later and the term pensioner won't be appropriate until much later.

But hey, none of us know how long we'll be around, we assume we'll live long but no guarantee and we don't know how dependent we'll be on others...

I think with all the bad news and cuts it's making everyone more negative.

I was quite a happy soul most of my life and not known as a worrier. Often I am fine and then troubles come looking for me...like when a brown envelope drops on the mat...