make do and mend for tougher times

Evie74_2

Good morning all and (((hugs))) to all in need

It's tipping it down here this morning - so much for my plan to spend the day gardening! Am hoping it's just a short, sharp shower but it's been going on a while now...

Fuddle - I think the fostering idea is great and sounds as if it would suit you as you are obviously a brilliant mum - I bet it's very hard work though as the cared-for children would need a lot of additional support.

On the pocket money front - we don't really give the girls a set amount of money each week. They do get some money from grandparents from time to time which they usually save. They each have bank accounts for that purpose - I normally give them the choice of spending some of it or saving and 9 times out of 10 they choose to save it unless there is something in particular they would like to have. They do have to help out around the house on a general level - keeping their rooms tidy, putting away their clean clothes once I've done the laundry etc. I reward them (as long as they've been good) by letting them choose a magazine or book each every month rather than paying them in hard cash. It's working so far, but I think we'll need to adapt the strategy as they get older and give them a set amount to budget with.

The health kick is going well so far (but it's very early days!) - fruit for breakfast and only one coffee, and several glasses of water. I'm hoping I'll start feeling better soon - I can't wait to have a functional kitchen again as I really miss cooking, and all the clutter spread around the house is really getting me down, which I don't think is helping.

Now to try and dream up some healthy no-cook menus for the week...

Evie xx

shelley_crow

fuddle wrote: »

I said I wouldn't tell a soul but I need to share.

Last night DH and I had a discussion about my degree. I think we have all but agreed that I won't be continuing with it. I have so many practical skills and experience that I just don't feel having a degree will enhance. I am all about kids, it's who I am, who I was and wanted to be when I left school. That fun element of working with children soon developed into a wanting to help children. The childminding will be a super career for me but I want more too. Having worked with children who have very severe learning and behavioural difficulties, I miss the challenge element of working. Kidcat and others you're going to think I'm mad. I can't explain it very well but it's a feeling of working so hard with a child, putting your all into this little vulnerable human being but being rewarded when the little one progresses. It's process I have tapped into that I don't get from parenting. I need that challenge and reward aspect in my working life. It's very, very early days but we're discussing becoming fostering parents. DH is on board but we need to think about how it impacts our family life and as family is everything to us we need to be sure. There are many, many cons with the two pro's being I get my drive back into my working life, I get children all around me and we get a further income.

I've shared it now. I feel a little better. I plan to investigate further this afternoon so DH and I can have another discussion. It's an idea at present, something that we're going to take very slowly.

That's a good idea Fuddle. How old are your kids? I used to assess and supervise foster carers in my old job, it can be very hard going but very rewarding. The approval process can take a long time, background checks, medicals, references, Form F assessments and training is normally at the very least 6 months.

If you've got a spare room for a fostered child then take it from there. The Fostering Network are a great source of advice and support for potential foster carers.

http://www.couldyoufoster.org.uk/who-needs-fostering

kidcat

Oh my, we have a guy coming out tomorrow to assess our building claim (house under warranty needs small hole on apex fixing) and we have got to have the house presentable. It occurred that he may want loft access so mad panic to get DD6 room organised as loft hatch in her room (may look into vaibility of moving it actually as its a pain in there). Decided to heave out DS8 room on way past which was awful, managed his room in record time but am left with twenty video and DVD boxes and nothing to go in them - where do these things go?

Cannot believe the mess, especially as its only a few weeks since I had a huge sort out in there.

The steroids are giving me terrible heartburn, am not sure it thats normal, but at least the cough has started to subside I think. Although am not sure if its worse to be up coughing all night or have heartburn.

Can I ask do I come across as being a know it all and pushy? I ask because am really upset that one group I am involved with (they of the cake/petrol saga) the leader has really upset me a few times this week with comments like yes boss, font of all knowledge (she suggested a day out to someone and I pointed out it had closed down two years ago) and a few other bits, its all on FB which is awkward but a few of the group have contacted me and asked am I ok, as they are taking her comments to be nasty as well. I just dont know if perhaps I am being too much and should withdraw.
Its a group that is supposed to be my support and respite for DS - although the respite is a group activity that I have to attend and supervise DS myself and is stressful in the extreme, but he enjoys it loads.

I just feel that maybe it is me and I need to change somehow to fit in I just dont know how to do it.

Threw a casserole in SC this morning, using the diced chicken I had bought with intention on BBQ today, as it rained all night I dont see t he point, ground is soaking and huge puddles everywhere - hedge trimmer still in box as it rained the minute the battery was charged. OH work again tomorrow so have lost my chance as it were.

Managed trip to Mr T yesterday and grabbed mushy peas for 4p a tin, kids thought I was mad but as I pointed out if veg gets too expensive its something at least.
My approved food order is still showing as not being processed yet which is a pain, was hoping for delivery tomorrow so I can escape for day on Tues. when plumber due to install special valves on bathroom to slow water flow and help prevent any further flooding. Dad says he will be here so DS has no idea its happened!!
Gardener coming Monday to quote for garden and mum has agreed to sit in with them when they do job so DS is out of way and OH and I have agreed that when the building work gets done with scaffolding I will stay at travelodge until scaffolding is removed with DS too.

Can I ask how long garlic and onions take to grow, I planted both about 8 weeks ago and cant remember how I know when to lift them ?

fuddle

kidcat it sounds as if she is the one with the issue for whatever reason. She sounds like she's feeling threatened and taking it out on you. The others are rallying round you hun and I think that is paramount here. If you were pushy or too forth coming then they wouldn't be checking you're ok after undesirable comments. Carry on as you are and please don't let it squish your enthusiasm or enjoyment of the group.

Gosh stereotypes are around the kids, it's a worry. They are watching the judo on the olympics. Eldest (8) chirps up "he's a chinese looking person he's going to win because they do a lot of that martial art thing over in Chinese" My ears pricked up and I said "do you know what a stereotype is?" no "it's when people say something about someone based on what other people think. You think that just because the other man is from Britain that he can't win? That's a bit unfair isn't it? How would you like someone to say that you can't ride a skateboard because you're a girl? Make your own mind up about what you see not what you have heard other people say" Thank gawd the GB man won. A lesson learned there I think

DH's main concern is my anxiety for my children's safety. He thinks that I would not cope having troubled children around my own and my own mental health would suffer. I happen to agree if I'm honest.

adelight

fuddle that's such a good quick way of teaching your dd!
popperwell i also played euromillions, my sister and i have a pact to split all our winnings ever but both won 0 :rotfl: I get angry with myself whenever I play the lottery, bingo, place a bet etc as I think of all the things I could have done with the money. I think back to my grandparents who spent £1000s in their lifetime on the lottery and never won more than £10. Also they ended up paying £1700 in washing machine insurance on a £200 machine :eek: But they could never afford to replace a WM at the drop of a hat so it was necessary. I am determined to always have a safety net for things like that.

prepareathome

Fuddle I think its a great idea, but one you must go into with your eyes open as it is hard to let them go. Way, way back in the late 1970's I used to short term foster older kids 15/16 years old usually I was a safe place they could be sent to if home life was not great and the child needed a break. Maybe I was lucky but I had some wonderful teenagers come and stay ( I was on my own then with my DD as separated from first hubby and had not met second yet). Just knowing that I could give these kids a place to breathe freely for a bit was what made it worthwhile when we did have the teenager upsets. They came for so many different reasons and usually only stayed a few months either till a full time place was found for them or it was ok for them to go home again.


As I worked shifts I was lucky I was allowed to do this, but having nanny helped of course ( that used to cause so much awe here was a real life nanny) but then they were so desperate for people that they threw a lot of rules out of the window ( only sending to a couple, one of the couple must be home all the time etc).I got into it as I already was doing voluntary work with children at centres and homes ( something I had done from age 12 as my high school had a great volunteer programme) As I was only in my early 20's I think that helped with them as I was more like a big sister than a carer which I was so used to being so it was easy for me.

I know you are most likely thinking of younger children but for any child a place they know they are loved for themselves and not being judged all the time or being seen as a hindrance.

Second hubby didn't fancy it and I had to think of him when we married and were setting up home together so I stopped but still am in touch loosely with quite few of the children I gave a home to for a short while which is so nice. Sometimes there is a ring on the doorbell and there is Luke, David, Rose or another one standing there, not seen them for years but they were in the area and just had to pop in and say hi....much hugging goes on I tell you. I have two boys I am still in close contact with as they came to stay many years later and were totally unofficial one was a friend of DS1 and other of DS2 - both lost their father and their mother turned to drink so the boys moved in to mine ( mothers agreed) and stayed for a few years. Paul now lives in Germany but still keeps in touch and David still lives not to far so pops in as he passes has brought the family over etc. Pauls mum managed to stop her addiction but sadly David's mum died just before he turned 16.

It can be hard and if you do it you might find some days you wonder why you are doing this and what help you are giving the child when you and the child just cannot seem to stop arguing, but the rewards ( not monetary) are worth everything.

You and your DH will be walking down a hard but rewarding path.

My admiration grows for you daily.

[Deleted User]

we have been foster parents and it is a very difficult job. Family dynamics change and you can get very fond of some children and then you have to let go. Tbh some children are very disruptive too and I would never ever have a boy stranger, over 7, come in with little girls. Re income, well there isn`t really an income as we spent the money on providing well for the children

edit: we fostered short term and between about 4 and 11

kidcat

kittie thats a really good point, a good foster family doesnt actually make any money from it as they plough it into the kids, for example the christmas and birthday allowance is nowhere near what we spend on our own kids, so we would have to supplement it - as I could not sit and watch my kids open loads of stuff whilst foster kids had almost nothing.

I have a friend in her fifties and she would make an exceptional foster mum but wont even consider it as she says she couldnt bear to see them go.

Best part of the day has gone and the whole house is in uproar - it never ceases to amaze me how much disruption tidying the kids rooms causes!

OH has cleaned the downstairs toilet and hall and thats it, whereas we have decimated two whole rooms and halls in the same time - am considering taking the psychologists advice and buying egg timers for him!!

Quite seriously considering investing in some more storage to tidy up the living room toys - realistically they are all hanging out of the boxes we have now and never look tidy ever.

GreyQueen

Kidkat, you don't seem bossy or pushy at all to me. I often find myself thinking about your posts in odd moments, awed at what you have to cope with, and how you do it.

Like the others said, I think that this other woman is the one with the problem, tbh. Some people are great unless they percieve a challenge to their authority, whereupon they can turn a wee bit nasty. Says plenty about them and nothing about you. Please don't be upset.

You come across as strong and focussed but you have to be, to fight the corner for your boys.

Am snatching a few mins on web before pal picks me up to take to another pal's out in the sticks where we are having a meal and a riotous assembly. Actually, it's low-budget entertainment; we drink (car the driver) too much wine and play silly board and card games. It's a relaxing evening.

Have been to the lottie today as the rain held off until nearly 4 pm although you could see the clouds building for hours beforehand. I painted more wood stuff on the shed and picked and podded 2.4 kg broad beans. First batch are coming towards the end, second batch are 2/3 rds of the height and in flower. I shall be looking like a broad bean by the end of the year.

I found some more slugs...........a found slug is a dead slug.

Gotta fly........have a lovely evening everyone, GQ x

katieowl_2

kidcat wrote: »

Fuddle we were accepted as foster parents and were due our first placement when I we discovered I was pregnant with DS8, obviously we had to stop at that point as we needed the bedroom for the baby.
I do not think you are mad at all, what I would say is that it is incredibly hard, I have grown up with a number of families who fostered and now have a few friends who foster and all have had real difficulties when child move on, one eventually gave it all up when a child was returned to her family and then badly injured, she just couldnt take it any more.

The other impact is upon your own children because it does impact heavily, most cared for children need alot more time and energy than other children which takes your time away from your own. Even if its simply the extra meetings required for their care plan.

Having two children who require alot of extra care I often feel very guilty about the other two who I feel sometimes get less attention than the boys.

I do not want to put you off simply try to give you a realistic idea of what you face, if you can manage all the pitfalls its a very rewarding job. One of my current friends fosters and she is clear that it is her job, she wont consider anything else as its her coping mechanism. She even insists on her cared for children being taken away for two weeks while her and her own children holiday. She has a holiday with the cared for kids too but she says as a family they need time for themselves and she insists on taking it.

Oh my that all sounds so negative and its not supposed to at all. Personally my advice would be to go ahead with your childminding, as it will teach you skills that you can use in fostering and will also help you gauge how you feel about having other children in your home interacting with your kids.

Pocket money - I dont do I'm afraid, if the kids need money for stuff then I try to give it to them but some weeks there just isnt enough left to hand a required amount out to fritter on games and sweets, which I know makes me sound hard but its a struggle just keeping everyone fed and warm without adding pressure.

I know it's been some years since I did childminding too.. .but I responded to a call for special needs childminding in my local London borough at one point, and thinking that I would be good with a handicapped child...sight impaired/mobility/hearing issues was what I was thinking But when I went on the course, it became apparent that the councils idea of special needs minding meant that you were going to be used as a daytime place for kids on the 'at risk' register who they wanted monitored for signs of abuse, or with health issues like HIV or Hepatitis and they would NOT BE TELLING you if the child you had placed with you had any of these issues. They kept banging on about how you were part of the team (but a part of the team that wasn't deemed as needing to know on a need to know basis) and TBH I decided if I had a sick child - I wanted to know because of my kids, and if I had an at risk child, I wasn't sure I wanted the parents coming in my house twice a day
I dropped off the course.

I dare say the same applies to fostering, but I just thought I'd share that with you, an I shouldn't imagine that the situation has improved much. Bearing in mind the level of abuse that needs to happen for a kid to be removed these days...I'm not sure I'd want to expose my kids to that while they were very young.

I really objected to the fact that we were being paid the lowest possible rates for doing the work of the social work team, not being kept in the loop, and generally fobbed off. I still think with MY understanding of special needs minding they'd have had a good worker, but we weren't going to be allowed to pick and choose. Fostering may be different???

I don't mean to speak out of place or put you off, but I just think you should carefully consider what you might be letting yourself in for.

Kate

OH yeah and my kids hardly ever got regular pocket money from us. Granny saw them most weeks and spoilt them with sweets and comics.... They are all reasonably well adjusted!!!