Ex making our lives miserable

bournemouthboo

Please be nice to me. I am new - saw this thread and thought I may be able to get some advice.

I am 27 and have an 8 year old son. I had him young with my ex and we lived together for a couple of years after our son was born. He was very undermining and said I was ugly, no one would want me ' so I will stay with you as you have give me a son'. I am still damaged from the emotional abuse. If it wasn't abuse, it was cheating.

I left him after he continually cheated. He would go on lads holidays at a drop of a hat; turn his phone off for weeks at a time saying 'he was under pressure, stressed, needed time alone'. I had enough and one night after finding another ladies underwear in his trousers while doing the washing, I packed and left. I went back to my Mums and I have gradually built up my confidence and been able to meet someone who my son loves, I love and is respectful and honest. He would do anything for us.

I have a low self esteem and confidence and I get worried a lot. I have worked through this and I am so much stronger. I have a good job and amazing friends I can not complain. Apart from my ex.

He has access, he collects our son from school a couple of afternoons a week. Sometimes has him overnight at the weekend. These are the kind of things that happen:

- this week he has told our son I am an idiot and useless - this resulted in my son saying to me that he wants to stop seeing his Dad if he keeps saying nasty things about me.
-last weekend his Dad was meant to have my son, preplanned weeks before as I had a hen do of a friend. All on text so recorded. When I went to the address he wasnt in. I missed some of the hen do because I had to drive him to my partner. I was called by my ex a few hours later saying he was in and why didn't I - 'bang on the windows' he would have woken up. But he had a hangover so may not have heard the door. He made demands that 'my muppet' my boyfriend, should come drop him off as it was my fault I didn't try and wake him up and he was ready now. I advised my boyfriend would come but would need to talk to him to pass over some medication my son is on. My ex said,' if he comes on my property I will physically remove him'. I said forget it then. I can not deal with that and nor should my boyfriend. And who lost out - our son who thought he was going on a day out to an adventure park. Can not see that would have happened on a hangover.
- He had a long term gf who was amazing my ex used to treat her badly but my son loved her. He left her and a week later got with another girl with a young son. I had to speak to our son to explain that Daddy has met someone else, these things happen and adults sometimes meet new people bla bla because my son was distarught he was not going to get to go horseriding with her anymore. (the ex girlfriend had horses)
- The new gf is not of english origin and when I dropped my son off there a couple of weeks ago I got shouted at by her but I could not understand it all. Ex just laughed he obviously knew what was being said.
- EX parents live the other side of the village we live in so no excuse not to see our son but they never bother. Son hasn't seen them since March when they asked to have our son for a wedding on saturday. I was never given a date and since I hadn't spoke to them since March assumed I would have had some notice. They called me last nigth asking what time son woudl be dropped off. I was a bit dumstruck to start had no idea then picked up it was this wedding and they advised my ex had told them he had discussed it with me last weekend when he didn't even see our son due to the hangove incident. It is all sorted now I have re-arranged because its not their fault and all will be ok this weekend. So made me look difficult for no reason.
- Last month ex told my son ' hopefully mummy will drown in a bath soon so you don't have to live with her' my son told this to my Mum so my Mum asked me to talk to his dad. Ex response - ' well I do'.

I could go on and on. Its an ongoing struggle. But I am genuinly getting to a point where I have a crying son asking me 'do I have to see Daddy' and having to explain events that happens to keep the peace. I am trying my hardest to maintain our son seeing his father. I know at heart this is about me; countless times he has tried to win me back over the years but I have never surcome. If it is not about me then I do not understand. We were each others first loves if that means anything.

He has paid an ammount every month for three years and its not an issue over money at all. Its conduct. I don't think my ex realises that actually the person suffering is our son.

Please help me.

(Sometimes I have put my instead of our son, it is our son. )

SqueekyMouse

I'm sure somebody will be along soon to offer some advice based on experience and facts, which I have neither of.

I just wanted to offer my support. Your poor son, it sounds like a horrible situation for him. No child should hear such terrible things said about their mother, least of all from his own father. I don't think you should let the contact continue as it has been doing if your son's father cannot behave in an appropriate way. Is is possible for there to be supervised contact? I hope you sort things out for your son.

Gigglepig

It seems that in hindsight, it was not a great idea to have a child with this man, but there is nothing you can do about it now.

Would it be an idea to go to mediation to discuss your concerns with him, so that an independent 3rd party may help him understand that he needs not show his anger and resentment against you to his son? Clearly your ex seems to have un-resolved anger regarding you/your break up.

Making statements about wishing you to die is pretty rough. It may be a good idea to get some of the statements he makes "on record", in case he becomes threatening later, or your if it affects your son so negatively that contact may not be in his best interest. Keep a log of all the statements and incidents and keep copies of emails, texts etc.

Can you get a formal contact agreement, so that either he picks up and drops off at set times? This may help avoid getting messed around, and if things deteriorate later on he will have formally breached his contact agreement.

In the meanwhile what about arranging contact through email - so you don't need to speak to each other.

Hopefully someone will come along who has (hopefully good) experience with sorting out this type of thing. I just did not want to read and run. Hope things work out for you soon!

newcook

I too would let son not go if he doesn’t want to – its not fair on him if it is constantly upsetting him.

alwaysonthego_2

I stopped my children seeing their dad because he was abusive everytime I dropped them off and I was scared he was going to be violent towards me.I offerered him supervised contact through my solicitor and I am still waiting to hear from him 14 months later. I think you need to get some legal advice, but I don't think they can force children to attend contact if it is emotionally affecting him.

BitterAndTwisted

Sod it, I'd just withdraw or prevent any contact and let him go to the courts to force the issue if he can be bothered to do it. I wouldn't tolerate any child being abused in such a terrible way by that foul a-hole

thehappybutterfly

Oh OP, I feel for you. This sounds very like my relationship with my ex. Really, my ex-relationship as we haven't had any contact with him for 14 years or so (son is now 20).

I can't give you any legal advice - things are different here in Scotland when it comes to the rights of fathers. I'm happy to give you moral support though.

I suggest that you always, always take the moral high ground and don't stoop to your ex's level. It doesn't sound like you would but don't badmouth your ex or his family to your son (you sound far too lovely to even think about it!)

Always keep to the access arrangements and do your best to make sure that you take your son round on time etc. If your ex isn't at the pre-arranged drop off point, that's it - he's missed it. Don't re-accommodate him - he'll have to wait until the next time.

You'll need to be flexible with your social life so if your son is let down, you can change your plans and spend the time with him instead. You said that he was supposed to go to an adventure park with his dad? OK, you go instead.

Don't badmouth your ex to his parents - by all means tell them the truth when he lets you down but in such a way as you can't be accused of being a b***. They're potentially useful people to have on your side. How do you get on with them in general?

Your son is old enough to have an opinion and he's clearly demonstrated that he doesn't want to see his dad and his feelings should be taken into consideration by a family judge/lawyer if push ever came to shove and you had to involve lawyers etc.

I wish you the very best OP and hopefully you'll get some support from others who have been / are in a similar situation.

pearl123

alwaysonthego wrote: »

I stopped my children seeing their dad because he was abusive everytime I dropped them off and I was scared he was going to be violent towards me.I offerered him supervised contact through my solicitor and I am still waiting to hear from him 14 months later. I think you need to get some legal advice, but I don't think they can force children to attend contact if it is emotionally affecting him.

The things your ex is saying to your son about you is awful. I would also suggest you look in to how you stand with either giving your ex no access (if you son does not want to see his father) or supervised access.

Your ex need a wake up call, nasty man.

shellsuit

I'd stop your son seeing his Dad, ASAP.

The boy doesn't need to hear his Dad slag his Mother off and where the hell does his Dad get off slagging you off to him anyway?

What has your BF done, for your ex to hate him so much?

If he's done nothing, then the ex sounds like a nutter and I'd keep him well away from your child till he can grow up.

BitterAndTwisted

thehappybutterfly: fathers don't have any rights. It's the children who have a right to a relationship with both of their parents but if one of them is inadequate or abusive who would force a young child to spend time with them? I wouldn't. I'd have to be dragged over hot coals first before I'd allow it!

pearl123

This thread has jogged my memory.
About two years ago I was on a train listening to a man talk to his child about how awful is mother was. The child must have been about 8 years old. I was awful to listen to. The child looked uncomfortable and unhappy. The father sounded twisted and mildly aggressive. I wanted to get up and say something, as it really did sound like child abuse, but I was on my own so I said nothing.

I felt upset for the child and blooming furious at the man.

If your son does not want to see his Dad that speaks volumes.