Ditching friends that don't act like friends. Anyone else done this?

missindecisive

well spider, i think you have done the right thing. Ive come to that realisation myself, without the aid of a counsellor, and feel much better for it.
life is full of people of different character,some harder to deal with than others, some with issues. Some people in life are life's TAKERS, and some are GIVERS. It sounds to me as if you had quite a few Takers in your life. They are not good for your emotional well being in the long run, and can really affect you and bring you down. Not everyone reading your post will understand, as they may not have actually experienced it first hand themselves.
On the flip side of the coin, I have actually, myself been 'dumped' off someones friendship list, and have actually no idea why!:rotfl:so something to bear in mind, is that perhaps one of your ex-friendships may ask you sometime why you are no longer as close as you was! I know I will, when I see my old friend again...I just feel as if I am owed an explaination. I think you will find though, that the majority of ex-friendships will just as quickly move on to their next victim, thats just what these people do. So don't let anyone make you feel guilty, its your life.

POPPYOSCAR

Good for you OP.

Ditch the people that make you unhappy -no matter who they are.

Some people are just users.

My best friend from years ago who I lost touch with, got back in touch with me recently as she was splitting from her husband. I think she was hoping that I would be in a bad relationship as well and that I would become her 'going out and meeting men buddy'.
She came to see me and saw how happily settled I was and I have not heard from her since.

It made me realise that nothing changes and she had always been the same.

I now have no time for such people and I am the happier for it.

poet123

bestpud wrote: »

I don't know if I've been very lucky with counselling as I never felt a need to go back and report any changes I'd made. Counselling isn't like that at all in my experience! I didn't once feel I needed to appease her.

The need doesn't come from the counsellor but from the client who, if they are the type of person who is a people pleaser ( and often that is why they are there)feels a compulsion to act on issues that have arisen and may do so in haste.

lostinrates

missindecisive wrote: »

. Some people in life are life's TAKERS, and some are GIVERS. .

But neither of those are good places to be either for ourselves or for those we have relationships with. The best is to give a little and take a little, in as near to balance as can be, surely? Often people who see them selves as 'givers' are actually not contributing as much as they think to a friendship, in one way or another.

missprice

I have to say good on the OP its a difficult thing to do. and best thing is you can now make new friends.


I do however think that friends sometimes change over time as do you (the generic you not specific)
I had one very good friend many years ago who originally was great and for years we got on really well, then she married and she altered beyond belief, to a biatch and luckily she moved away rather than me have to actually say anything to her. but she would have done anything for me and did and the same for me I would have walked on hot coals for her (never had to just making the point)
To this day I have no idea why she changed and became the grasping cow that I could not stand and I do not miss her as she was but sometimes I think of the original her and miss that.
never heard from her since she moved and not sure I would like to now but maybe she has become nice again!!

Nicki

Maybe, it's like one of these irregular verbs you read about. You know the type: I'm sociable, you are a flirt, she's a slag, kind of thing.

It just seems that a friend makes a critical comment about you, so she is "passive aggressive", and of no value to you and has hurt you so much that you need to break off the friendship. But you can then post how you have delivered home truths to another friend in the course of breaking up, and have no insight that this may have been as hurtful to that friend as your "passive aggressive" one was to you.

Again, a friendship needs to be broken because you are not invited out often enough and feel excluded, which is very hurtful to you, yet you freeze friends out of your life with no explanation, and somehow that doesn't make them feel the way that you complain others have made you feel?

You may not yet have focused on how your friends felt when you dissolved these friendships, and you may never do so. But a few other posters on the thread have told you how it felt to be the dumpee in these circumstances, and it reads very like how you say you felt in your friendships.

miss_independent

[text removed by MSE Forum Team]

Spidergirl, aside from just two posters most of us seem to agree that you have done the right thing by ending relationships that weren't working for you. Some people will never be able to understand, just try not to take it to heart (easier said than done). I for one think its utter madness to stay friends with someone who repeatedly picks on you, excludes you and keeps you down and only really keeps you around to stroke their own inflated ego. Sadly there are ALOT of people around like that who do end up using those with low self esteem and poor confidence. You know why? Because no one with good self esteem would actually stay friends with them.

If someone doesn't help to enrich your life, doesn't provide good company, isn't caring, isn't good humoured etc but who takes from you, puts you down, gets you to baby sit but excludes you from nights out etc - they aren't a friend! As for the competitive friend, if your friend always wants to out-do you and it creates a tension, you can only really win with them by constantly being the underdog. Why would you do that to yourself? Nowhere has OP suggested she went around intentionally creating arguments over one comment. This has clearly been something that has happened over time and she has eventually decided she doesn't need it anymore in her life.

I do think you have done the right thing OP and I wish you all the luck in the world for the future.

Molly41

miss_independent wrote: »

Spidergirl, I understand where you are coming from! In the past year I've "lost" most of the people I formerly considered to be friends. My health broke down last year and I was devastated as, only in my twenties, I have had to give up work for an uncertain period and alot of my dreams. When I told my "friends" the news, only one of them even bothered to reply. I was so hurt, I would never have treated them that way - I didn't want VIP treatment just a " sorry to hear that, thinking of you" would have meant alot. After 8 weeks one of them text out of the blue to say, "cheer up, it's not that big a deal." Exactly what you want to hear when your life's just fallen apart and you have no idea when or indeed if you will ever get better again.

As I say, I was so hurt, in fact losing my friends was one of the most devastating aspects of being ill. However, when I looked back I saw that they were never really my friends. I'm frequently told that I'm too nice, I'm the "thoughtful" one and I just assume everyone is like that, because when I'm a friend, I'm a "true" friend. I looked back over the couple of years before I became really ill and saw that my "friends" had upset me so many times and I'd just put up with it. They frequently excluded me from things and rubbed my nose in it, made fun of me, made assumptions about me that just weren't true, ignored texts or phone calls, made !!!!!y comments about me etc. Several times I came home after nights out with them and burst into tears. So it was easy to see they weren't that much of a loss.

I'm now at the point where I feel that my relationship with my "best" friend is coming to an end. I don't want to go into it but I do feel I have good reason, to naturally bring things to a close with her - She doesn't bring anything to my life except misery and I have to change who I am to stay friends with her, deep down inside she is a very selfish, jealous girl. In the past if I was going out and I looked nice my mum used to say "oh X won't be your friend tonight" and when I'd turn up she would ignore me for about half an hour and have a face like thunder all night. That's just the tip of the iceberg.

I feel I've grown up alot in the past year. I've seen people in their true colours, including myself and I know now what "friendship" really means. I also know where I've went wrong. Hopefully I will recover and enjoy a bright, healthy future but I know for certain that, aside from my close family, I will have almost all new people in my life. There is a saying, "if you are absent during my struggle, don't expect to be present during my success."

I just want to thank you for such an insightful post. It mirrors exactly what has happened in my life and makes me feel less of a leper. I see that it human nature to act in this way. maybe a throw back to evolution that the weaker members are not worth the effort? Of course we are and I will, like you, emerge from these dark days of illness with a new group of friends and acquaintances.

Gra76

I dumped someone I considered a 'best friend' for a good 8-9 years in my late teens. Looking back on it I'm glad I did it.

We all passed our driving tests within a few months of each other but he was the one who got a car first as the rest of us couldn't afford one as he was the only one who had a job. I remember it well, it was an 'A' reg Ford Escort and it was quite tidy.

He'd spend all his time driving round in it and he'd come to pick us up regularly. We'd go all over the place and it was a great adventure at first. Then he started asking for petrol money. Ok, I can understand that and I didn't have a problem with it to start with but he was asking for a lot more than I thought was fair.

He'd come and pick me up and before we'd gone more than 100 yards down the road he'd be asking for £10 for petrol. He told me that was less than half the price of the fuel he was using and as I was young and naive about these things I believed him. I'd end up giving him £20-£30 most weeks.

I don't remember what the cost of petrol was at the time but it was in 1994 or thereabouts. All I remember thinking was that £10 bought quite a lot of petrol.

I later found out that he'd been doing exactly the same to a few other friends so I asked him about it. He denied it and made excuses about how expensive it was to run the car but we worked out that between myself and some of our other friends he'd been running the car purely from what he'd been collecting from us over a period of months. We suspected he'd been collecting so much from us that he hadn't spent a single penny of his own money in a long time.

We had it out with him and he ended up jumping in his car and driving off. He called me later that day asking why I was causing trouble for him....and did I want to go for a drive somewhere....cheeky !!!!!!!

I'd had enough of it so I gave him a piece of my mind and told him to give me a call when he'd matured enough to pay his own way (he was the only one working at the time as well which made it worse!)

I never did hear from him again. I know what became of him thanks to the wonders of Facebook, and having spoken to a couple of people that still know him he certainly didn't have any of his dreams come true by a long way. I know I shouldn't, but I smile inside everytime I think about it. Serves him right for ripping his mates off!

duchy

I think with friendships sometimes there isn't a right or a wrong way .....but sometimes differing perspectives.

I have friends I meet for coffee , other friends I go out in the evening with ....and some who crossover between those groups. If however a coffee friend feels that friends should be involved with everything together then 1 They probably consider us to be closer friends than I do and 2 They are going to feel I have deliberately excluded them and feel offended or hurt. It doesn't mean I'm right or wrong -or they are -it simply means there are different expectations.

I got really sick last year and it was pretty frightening as it affected my mobility and ability to work. I spoke to a friend I had planned a holiday with warning her that I was sick and was waiting to see a specialist but our trip might be a problem (we were sharing a room but lots of other people we knew were also going so I wouldn't have been leaving her in the lurch but some reorganizing would be needed). Her response was Oh sorry you're not well then a page of ranting and demanding I told her straight away if I was going to go or not. I pointed out until I saw the specialist I had no idea what was going to happen and was seeing him the following week. I then got some nasty messages on FB about how selfish is was !! ?? and then she blocked me. Needless to say I had no desire to spend ANY time with her after that let alone share a holiday with her. Friendship -done-I certainly didn't need that sort of toxic friend -and I know she slagged me off to all and sundry. I let her get on with it -let people draw their own conclusions. I have neither the patience or desire to spend time or emotion on that kind of drama and nastiness. Life is too short. I do feel disappointed in her but I don't see the point in getting angry-that hurts me not her -and it's simply time to move on.