Ditching friends that don't act like friends. Anyone else done this?

Nicki

bestpud wrote: »

Maybe those suggesting you are being petty have never had a true leech in their life? And maybe they have never lacked confidence to the extent they will let these people take from them for years on end.

Has anyone suggested or even hinted that the OP is being petty? I certainly don't feel that I did.

A few of us have expressed concern that on the basis of counselling, the OP has pruned her friendship circle down to a very tiny number of friends, and has herself expressed the view that she might need to find a few more over the next few years, and have reminded her that there are various degrees of friendship and it is not necessarily reasonable to expect the same level of support and closeness from everyone with whom you enjoy a friendship.

If OP is happy with her decision, there is nothing more to be said. But it is she who needs to live with the consequences not her counsellor. In fact, her counsellor can only benefit, by the need for more sessions to work out more minor issues she might previously have dealt with with the support of friends.

It is very tough to have no one in your friendship circle for a period. This forum is full of threads from people going through hardship or just everyday life, who have no one they can turn to for help. I can think of a recent thread for example where the poster had literally no one they could even ask to look after a child for an hour before school while they had an antenatal scan. To be so friendless makes life a lot harder than it needs to be IMHO

Person_one

beautiful_ravens wrote: »

Its a long time since I needed to discuss boys and dates and make up and clothes etc, so having men friends [plus my other half] works fine.

Its very sad that you think this is all other women have female friends for.

Spidergirl76

I'm not friendless though, and have not said at any point that I am. I am more choosy now about who I want to have in my life as a friend, and to be honest if it came down to it yes, I would rather have no friends than 20 toxic friends. As I said, Nicki, I do have acquaintances.

I don't see the problem with ditching friends that have behaved in a horrible, unkind way towards me though. I put up with them for long enough and I'll be damned if I'm going to put up with them now I have a bit more confidence. I don't see the point in continuing a friendship with someone who doesn't offer anything positive to my life.

bestpud

poet123 wrote: »

I am not sure anyone has suggested the OP is being petty, and it is certainly not something I would suggest. I would suggest that she is cautious about making decisions which stem from the counselling sessions.

Often I have seen people rush into things so that they can report back in their next session that they have made changes. Issues which come up need time to be reflected upon and looked at from different perspectives. It is very easy to go down one road, the road which seems the one which jumps out at you as the solution, only to find that it wasn't right for you.

You are right about it often being a self confidence issue though, and often those we blame actually cannot correctly be blamed for what we do blame them for. Both parties are in the learned cycle with them reacting to our actions and behaviours.

Once we effect change it is surprising how others appear to have changed.;)

Nicki wrote: »

Has anyone suggested or even hinted that the OP is being petty? I certainly don't feel that I did.

A few of us have expressed concern that on the basis of counselling, the OP has pruned her friendship circle down to a very tiny number of friends, and has herself expressed the view that she might need to find a few more over the next few years, and have reminded her that there are various degrees of friendship and it is not necessarily reasonable to expect the same level of support and closeness from everyone with whom you enjoy a friendship.

If OP is happy with her decision, there is nothing more to be said. But it is she who needs to live with the consequences not her counsellor. In fact, her counsellor can only benefit, by the need for more sessions to work out more minor issues she might previously have dealt with with the support of friends.

It is very tough to have no one in your friendship circle for a period. This forum is full of threads from people going through hardship or just everyday life, who have no one they can turn to for help. I can think of a recent thread for example where the poster had literally no one they could even ask to look after a child for an hour before school while they had an antenatal scan. To be so friendless makes life a lot harder than it needs to be IMHO

I wasn't responding to individual posts as such but I've picked up an ongoing suggestion that the OP is expecting too much from friends and dumping them unnecessarily and/or on a whim. Maybe 'petty' wasn't the right word.

I don't know if I've been very lucky with counselling as I never felt a need to go back and report any changes I'd made. Counselling isn't like that at all in my experience! I didn't once feel I needed to appease her.

I do agree friendships can shift when one party makes significant personal changes. I don't see that as a bad thing if the friendship was unhealthy for one or both of them though.

Spidergirl76

Those of you that have said that it's a negative thing to dump the four friends outlined in my first post, I would be genuinely interested to know if you would put up with those behaviours from a friend?

miss_independent

Spidergirl, I understand where you are coming from! In the past year I've "lost" most of the people I formerly considered to be friends. My health broke down last year and I was devastated as, only in my twenties, I have had to give up work for an uncertain period and alot of my dreams. When I told my "friends" the news, only one of them even bothered to reply. I was so hurt, I would never have treated them that way - I didn't want VIP treatment just a " sorry to hear that, thinking of you" would have meant alot. After 8 weeks one of them text out of the blue to say, "cheer up, it's not that big a deal." Exactly what you want to hear when your life's just fallen apart and you have no idea when or indeed if you will ever get better again.

As I say, I was so hurt, in fact losing my friends was one of the most devastating aspects of being ill. However, when I looked back I saw that they were never really my friends. I'm frequently told that I'm too nice, I'm the "thoughtful" one and I just assume everyone is like that, because when I'm a friend, I'm a "true" friend. I looked back over the couple of years before I became really ill and saw that my "friends" had upset me so many times and I'd just put up with it. They frequently excluded me from things and rubbed my nose in it, made fun of me, made assumptions about me that just weren't true, ignored texts or phone calls, made !!!!!y comments about me etc. Several times I came home after nights out with them and burst into tears. So it was easy to see they weren't that much of a loss.

I'm now at the point where I feel that my relationship with my "best" friend is coming to an end. I don't want to go into it but I do feel I have good reason, to naturally bring things to a close with her - She doesn't bring anything to my life except misery and I have to change who I am to stay friends with her, deep down inside she is a very selfish, jealous girl. In the past if I was going out and I looked nice my mum used to say "oh X won't be your friend tonight" and when I'd turn up she would ignore me for about half an hour and have a face like thunder all night. That's just the tip of the iceberg.

I feel I've grown up alot in the past year. I've seen people in their true colours, including myself and I know now what "friendship" really means. I also know where I've went wrong. Hopefully I will recover and enjoy a bright, healthy future but I know for certain that, aside from my close family, I will have almost all new people in my life. There is a saying, "if you are absent during my struggle, don't expect to be present during my success."

psychopathbabble

miss_independent.... I've been off work for 7 months and can count the number of times i've seen my 'friends' on one hand. I can entirely empathise with your post! unfortunately, i have to work with them when i go back next month. that is going to be interesting!

spider... good for you, if the changes you are making make you feel happier and better about yourself then go for it. i understand peoples concern about the counsellor, but if you feel better for it then no harm.

lostinrates

Miss independant, i had a similar experience with health and friends.

It hurt a lot at the time. With the great benefit of hindsight i see my change in health and lufestyle did change fundamental parts of me, and what being my friend meant. I think i retrospect those friendships were unsustainable in the changed circumstances.

miss_independent

psychopathbabble wrote: »

miss_independent.... I've been off work for 7 months and can count the number of times i've seen my 'friends' on one hand. I can entirely empathise with your post! unfortunately, i have to work with them when i go back next month. that is going to be interesting!

spider... good for you, if the changes you are making make you feel happier and better about yourself then go for it. i understand peoples concern about the counsellor, but if you feel better for it then no harm.

Good luck with going back to work, I hope it all works out ok. I'm at a point where on the rare occasions that I do go out to the shops or cinema or wherever (maybe once a month?) I dread seeing any of my old friends because it will be "awkward" to say the least. If I ever have to see any of them again, part of me thinks they will just expect to carry on as normal where we left off but I'm not like that. It's a fault of mine that I don't forgive easily .

lazer

OP - I think you are right to ditch these "friends". If friends are not making you happy - they are not worth having, although if the friends are having issues and worries, you need to support them too even if it is not making you happy, as i'm sure tehy would do the same for you.
If they are always making you unhappy, cancelling arrangements, moaning, belittling you etc, then ditch them.

I had a number of friends - who I have now thankfully lost touch with, and my life is much better without them.

Like you I am a people pleaser, and try to make everyone else happy, but generally at the expense of my own happiness which it took me a long time to realise.
My health started suffering, I was permanently tired, developed IBS and was stressed out by the situation with my "friends" and with work, relationship troubles etc.

Its when the going gets tough you find out who your real friends are.

In saying that - the one friend who supported me most during the difficult times, has not helped me celebrate the recent great times, Engagement, new House etc etc, so it doesn't feel as if she was that great of a friend either.

Firendships are like relationships - take the rough with the smooth!