Ditching friends that don't act like friends. Anyone else done this?

Spidergirl76

Hello everyone

I have been having counselling for a few months. I've discovered that due to issues from my childhood I have low self esteem. I've always been a people-please by nature because of this and as such have attracted the wrong type of people to be my friends. So, over the past few months I've ended up having arguments with a number of 'friends' and subtly letting the friendship drift with others. I don't actually have many friends now but I feel far better and 'free-er' in myself.

I've ditched the:

Best friend from my schooldays who actually, looking back, wasn't a friend at all and spent my schooldays manipulating me, controlling me, and making me feel the whole school hated me except her. Her behaviour had, I realised recently, continued into adulthood, with her being repeatedly cruel to me, things like excluding me totally from her wedding but inviting other schoolfriends (whilst still declaring me her best friend!) and expecting me to do what she said, when she said it.

The passive aggressive, competitive friend who made constant put down comments thinly veiled as compliments.

The using friend, happy to use me for free childcare or if she could just fit me in her schedule for a quick cuppa, but not deeming me good enough to go on nights out with or offer me any support when I was feeling down.

The self-centred friend who, even when I phoned her to tell her my mum was very unwell, just talked repeatedly about herself and her problems.

Those are the main ones but there have been other, more minor friendships I have let slide too.

So, now I'm in the position where I don't have many friends, but the ones I do have are good quality, genuine friends. I'm not overly bothered about making new ones but I have just started going to fitness classes so maybe I'll meet some new ones there, who knows. My counsellor says now my self esteem is higher I'll probably meet more like-minded people that will treat me better. I hope I am now a better judge of character too, and also whereas before I was desperate for anyone to be my friend,now I keep people at arm's length for a lot longer before I let them become a friend.

Just wondered really if anyone else has been through similar?

Nicki

I'd be slightly cautious of any counsellor who is cutting you off from most of your friends to be honest. I'd want to be sure in my own mind that these assessments of their role in my life were my own, and that I hadn't been influenced by the counsellor in forming them.

For my own part, I tend not to analyse my friendships so closely. I have a variety of different kinds of friends who all offer different things. I wouldn't expect all of them to be a rock in a crisis or to be invited out on evening social occasions with all of them. And some of them, I support practically more than they do me, but they nonetheless bring something to my life. Equally, I am sure I have people in my life who support me more than I currently support them.

I have the following kinds of friends:

1. A small number of very close friends, who would drop everything and come and look after my kids in the middle of the night if I was taken ill, and who supported me emotionally through my last miscarriage

2. A larger number of friends who I will sometimes go out with in evenings, or have dinner with in each others homes, but who I wouldn't expect to support me through a traumatic time, or vice versa, but whose company I enjoy.

3. Some mummy friends. We meet up for tea or coffee reasonably regularly and I'd be happy to look after their child for a few hours if they needed me to, but have never socialised with them in the evenings and would never expect to (or want to)

4. Some ad hoc friends who I don't make plans to see, but am always happy to chat to if I run into them by chance, or through mutual friends, and would do them a favour if I could.

I suspect with most of these categories of friends, I could think of the odd example where they didn't handle a situation well - either didn't know what to say so changed the subject when I was upset, or made a sarcastic or catty remark. And I suspect that my friends could also think of examples when I've been less than perfect too. Thankfully though, a third party hasn't been analysing isolated examples of our interactions, so the relationships have stayed intact.

If the friendships you have dumped have genuinely been making you unhappy, then fair enough to end them. But if you have genuinely been receiving no pleasure at all from them, it's odd that you never noticed this until a counsellor popped onto the scene. Be careful you don't shrink your social circle down so small that you end up very socially isolated and lonely and even more heavily reliant on this professional's help. And also be aware, that it is a very big ask for one, or even a couple, of friends to be everything to you in terms of always being there for emotional and practical support when you need them, so if you do end up feeling let down by the remaining friends, bear that in mind before you cut them loose too.

mum2one

I can see where you coming from as after I had my daughter, I lost the friendship with 2 friends, who I'd known for about 10 yrs, and would had done anything for them,

1st friend - he was gay (not a problem by me) he a;ways use to say if he was straight he'd marry me, when I had DD he offered to put his name on her birth certificate so she wouldn't be father unknown. (I walked out on the father 7 mths pregnant - violence etc). I sued my ex-employer and because he never had a payout of the compo, he threw a temper tantrum, reported me for benefit fraud (lie) and did a lot of damage

2nd friend - she lived away, when I took a step back i realsied it was so one sided, I was just a means to an end and free food while I was on holiday. Yet when I needed her help she turned her back on me.

My friends now are less, but theres 2 that i'm closer to than others, one is like a sister to me, another we met through the kids,

Other friends that are more acquiantes than friends, but I know where I stand, (withiut sounding daft). x

Spidergirl76

Nicki, I do have aquaintances that I socialise with, I'm not socially isolated. Perhaps it would have been better if I'd clarified that I'd meant close/good friends. With regards to the friends I described, none were making me happy or contributing in any way to my life/happiness at all, and I don't want friends that don't add any value to my life. Yes, I had noticed for years that they didn't make me happy, I didn't suddenly notice once I'd had counselling. I didn't feel as though I deserved any better and was scared to shed them as I felt I needed lots of friends around me. Now, just as you have described you have, I have a small amount of close friends, ones that I know would be there for me. I have acquaintances I socialise with in the evenings and I have mummy friends too (is it only me whose teeth itch at that phrase?).

Mum2one, you have summed up my thoughts exactly about knowing where I stand. That is the important thing to me now in my friendships too.

Brighton_belle

Yes OP , I did this ooh, about 15-20 yrs ago: very unhappy with my life and counselling helped me find out why and slowly do something about it.
I didn't have really unpeasant people in my life but I had 'friends' with whom I felt like a square peg in a round hole, or felt very drained after time with them, or my heart just sank when the phone rang and it was them.
I realised it was ok to let those friendships drift or end through no contact, or sometimes, by making a definite cut off. I then spent a number of lonely years with just aquaintances, but yes it was worth it while found my feet and who I was and that it was ok to be really choosy about who I spent time with.
I have since grown a wonderful set of friends over time who are a joy to spend time with and I know feel the same about me. My filter system for friendships became about checking how I feel after spending time with them initially, when thay were new in my lfe. Some of these friendships were instant , on gut feeling and have lasted the test of time, and others developed gradually out of shared interests over time.
It is great to shed a sense of oligation to be 'friends' (as opposed to friendly and curtious) with anyone who passes through my life. I also believe some friendships are for life and some, although very very good at the time, are just for certain phases of your life and as you both move on, perhaps away from your shared interest or job etc, it is ok to gently let it go naturally.
There is no doubt IMO,self esteem and self awareness are key to a happier life and allowing oursleves to make good choices in life. So well done you for going for counselling and making positive changes and believing you are worth it:T

bestpud

I've (fairly recently) got shot of one friend and one family member after coming to the realisation I not only gained nothing from the relationships but they actually caused me ongoing stress and tension.

I still feel relieved they're gone from my life and I now realise how much those two people hindered my relationships with good friends and relatives.

Not a decision to take lightly, especially with long term friendships, but one that just has to be done sometimes.

*max*

You have to be careful not to end up "valuing" yourself so highly that nobody is good enough for you though. It's very easy to fall from one end of the spectrum (shy and submissive) into the other (over-confident and arrogant). It's all about balance. Don't make the mistake of being too picky - your friends have issues too. Everybody does.

globetraveller

Spidergirl
I have to say you are not using terms that are yours IMO- they are your counsellors. Be very careful that you actually haven't been manipulated by him/her.

mrs_sparrow

Yes, but those friends with issues should not be making you unhappy and miserable - otherwise they are not friends.

I've got a friendship circle pretty much like Nikki's. I do not have a best friend but plenty of people I can call on in a crisis and who would drop everything but I have one 'friend' that seems to only contact me if she wants something - and I am well aware of this simmering in the background.

The issues the OP describe stem from someone not valuing themselves enough to lose these friendships and realise they'll be fine without friends like these - these 'friends' prey on those feelings and emotions to manipulate people for their own gain. Been there, got the t-shirt. Losing these friends when you have low self esteem feels like the end of the world, but when you are happy with yourself you realise that it is a dead end relationship you would be better without and can drop them without feeling bad or guilty about it.

mrs_sparrow

globetraveller wrote: »

Spidergirl
I have to say you are not using terms that are yours IMO- they are your counsellors. Be very careful that you actually haven't been manipulated by him/her.

What nonsense, because she used some 'terms' to describe people?

I use terms and others like it about people but I've not had counselling or been manipulated by anyone. Talking to people or reading about life in general usually does bring up terms such as these and some of the other threads in this forum will use the same terms.

It sounds to me like you have had a bad experience with a counsellor. If the counsellor had cut her off from every single person in her life then maybe yes, but all it has helped her do is cut the people out of her life that were leeching off her - it is on thing to get rid of them but another to realise why you have. Would you like friend's like the OP's 'best' friend? Because I certainly wouldn't have - she sounds like a b!tch and the OP is well rid.

beautiful_ravens

All my friends are men and I prefer that. Since I left school Ive mostly stayed away from having women friends, apart from my best friend whom I very rarely see as I moved away. Its a long time since I needed to discuss boys and dates and make up and clothes etc, so having men friends [plus my other half] works fine.

To the OP just trust your gut instinct on people. I ususally meet someone, and let them be who they are and stay open minded about them, because after a while people show their true colours in some situation, then you can make decisions.