Ditching friends that don't act like friends. Anyone else done this?

psychopathbabble

miss_independent wrote: »

Good luck with going back to work, I hope it all works out ok. I'm at a point where on the rare occasions that I do go out to the shops or cinema or wherever (maybe once a month?) I dread seeing any of my old friends because it will be "awkward" to say the least. If I ever have to see any of them again, part of me thinks they will just expect to carry on as normal where we left off but I'm not like that. It's a fault of mine that I don't forgive easily .

totally... but part of me thinks that if they were real friends there would be nothing to forgive. I'm working with one of them on my first day back, and after explaining to her it was upsetting me that they were all off doing things without ever inviting me even though they knew I was off work, she hasn't spoken to me since (because i was obviously the one in the wrong!!).

Spidergirl76

lazer, kind of the deciding factor was that none of the ditched friends would support me through a bad time or care at all. My so-called best friend got in a bad mood with me the day after my mother was taken very ill, because I couldn't go on a night out and I'd 'let the side down'

If I feel a friend is a true friend I will do anything for them, but it's so hard isn't it to strike the balance between being a caring friend and being used as a doormat/emotional punchbag?

poet123

Spidergirl76 wrote: »

Those of you that have said that it's a negative thing to dump the four friends outlined in my first post, I would be genuinely interested to know if you would put up with those behaviours from a friend?

I wouldn't say it was necessarily a negative thing but would just advise caution and that you not get too carried away with the shift from having little confidence to become someone who overvalues their time and so ends up with no one who comes up to scratch.

With regard to the individuals you mention; the best friend and the wedding issue seems very strange, so yes, unless she had a good reason ( and tbh I can't think of one) then I would have curtailed that friendship. What reasons did she give?

The competitive friend would bother me less, I would question whether she knew what she said elicited that reaction from you, whether it was deliberate, and whether she was like that only with you or was it an inherent part of her personality. If the latter I would have had it out with her and see if having it pointed out made her consider her words more carefully.

Ditto the other two friends. The one who doesn't invite you out maybe has different sets of friends that she does different things with. I know I do, and so do my friends, none of us expect to be invited out with their other "sets" of friends.

The self centred one is a personality issue, there is little you can do to change that aside from gently or otherwise making her aware that she is behaving that way and that actually you have issues you would like to discuss with her. If you keep quiet and seethe inwardly she will never be aware of her own behaviour, as she will just not see it for herself.

So, of the four you mention I would not have cut three of them off without going through the steps mentioned (probaby several times) and certainly not until they repeated their behaviours. I would not have done it retrospectively after going to counselling and analysing past behaviours (not sure if that is what you did?)

Just my opinion of course as an outside observer

Spidergirl76

Nope, not done retrospectively as their behaviours were ongoing. The using friend was having nights out and inviting all of our mutual friends except for me, but was happy to use me as free childcare or to do her other favours. She rarely did anything with me as such or gave anything positive to my life. If I couldn't do her favours she would sulk and not speak to me for weeks. It had nothing to do with her having another set of friends and everything to do with her using me and thinking she could treat me like dirt.

Spidergirl76

Also, if you'd have had it out with those friends and they stomped off in a huff and refused to speak to you again, what would you have done? My friendship with my 'best' friend actually came to an end because I tackled her when she spoke badly to me, and then she replied with a torrent of abuse which made me say 'Do you know what? I don't have to put up with this cr*p'. I was actually going to let that friendship continue but with firm boundaries in place but I won't put up with anything and everything and won't be a doormat.

miss_independent

psychopathbabble wrote: »

totally... but part of me thinks that if they were real friends there would be nothing to forgive. I'm working with one of them on my first day back, and after explaining to her it was upsetting me that they were all off doing things without ever inviting me even though they knew I was off work, she hasn't spoken to me since (because i was obviously the one in the wrong!!).

That is partly the problem with my best friend. I recently, in the first time in our friendship, brought up that something she said upset me alot. I did it in a nice way just, "what you said upset me, please could you not say things like that around me." (it was a vile comment, turned my stomach" and she absolutely lost it, I got SO much abuse back because, as you say, "I was the one in the wrong". Why do people do that? I remember as a teenager, one of our friends had treated us all horribly and we decided not to invite her to something. We had a great time without her but Monday morning and school came round and my stomach started churning that we had all excluded her, I went round my friends begging them not to tell her we had all went out without her and I remember one saying, "if you aren't prepared to answer her if she asks why she wasn't invited then you shouldn't have played any part in it. Don't do things like that if you are going to act gutless. You need to take responsibility for your actions." How wise at 14 years old! Lesson learned! I think if you don't invite someone to something, you have to be prepared that person may ask why and not get offended about it. TBH in my case, even if the answer was, "because we don't really like you", I'd rather know that than continuing to blindly invest in a one sided friendship.

Spidergirl76 wrote: »

lazer, kind of the deciding factor was that none of the ditched friends would support me through a bad time or care at all. My so-called best friend got in a bad mood with me the day after my mother was taken very ill, because I couldn't go on a night out and I'd 'let the side down'

If I feel a friend is a true friend I will do anything for them, but it's so hard isn't it to strike the balance between being a caring friend and being used as a doormat/emotional punchbag?

Spidergirl76 your best friend's behaviour is identical to my best friend's behaviour. I was very, very ill and we had made plans with her and one of her friends to go out for a meal. I went against doctors orders because she went on and on at me about how it was her birthday week and how I was being unfair. She made me feel really bad. I tried to explain that i really was very ill. She said I HAD to come or i'd ruin her birthday week. When I turned up at the meal I was so I'll couldn't swallow and I had a raging temperature. Her friend was really lovely to me and asked why on earth did I come, she pointed out to my friend how miserable I must feel and she said, "why did you come? Didn't realise you were THAT ill? You are making me feel like a bad person now!"

Through everything that happened to me, I ended up having a nervous breakdown before Christmas last year and was on anti depressants for a few months and had some counselling. I can honestly say its helped - it's been a huge wake up call and I feel I've got things that I've learned which will carry me through life. I think it's made me stronger. I won't be a doormat again, and I know I need this time to figure out my boundaries in friendship and how to protect myself. I hope that it all works out for you too.

lizzie157

miss_independent wrote: »

Good luck with going back to work, I hope it all works out ok. I'm at a point where on the rare occasions that I do go out to the shops or cinema or wherever (maybe once a month?) I dread seeing any of my old friends because it will be "awkward" to say the least. If I ever have to see any of them again, part of me thinks they will just expect to carry on as normal where we left off but I'm not like that. It's a fault of mine that I don't forgive easily .

I had a friend who for reasons known only to her stopped answering my calls and just ditched me. I was having a bit of a rough time and had supported her when she was having it rough with her OH. I saw her and asked her why she hadn't answered my txts or phone calls and she came up with a story about her OH having the phone as his was broken. Unbeknown to her I'd just seen her walking along with her phone up to her ear. I didn't feel able to challenge her about it at the time so she promised to call and see me. She never came and about 9 mths later I bumped into her again and she just aced as if I'd seen her yesterday. I wasn't rude but I was cool towards her. I wish I had been able to just say what I felt but I couldn't, I too have self esteem issues. I have seen her since and she hasn't spoken so I presume the message was received.

Another friend has been less than supportive during H and I's battles with DWP. I wasn't expecting much just a txt, a phone call, just a thought but she was more interested in the implications for her, even though her hubby has a well paid job and it won't cause the same stress for her as it has for us. She just hasn't bothered. Then I've thought back to all the other times she has let me down, how she constantly talks about how little money they have, and in the next breath about how they've spent £500 on a new computer or some other thing. How when I've seen her I feel bad about myself so although I'm still in contact with her on birthdays etc(cards) I have decided that's all it will be from now on, I feel much better in myself lately and even though I'm tempted to ask her for coffee, I feel better for not having her in my life.

Spidergirl76 wrote: »

lazer, kind of the deciding factor was that none of the ditched friends would support me through a bad time or care at all. My so-called best friend got in a bad mood with me the day after my mother was taken very ill, because I couldn't go on a night out and I'd 'let the side down'

If I feel a friend is a true friend I will do anything for them, but it's so hard isn't it to strike the balance between being a caring friend and being used as a doormat/emotional punchbag?

This is it exactly I've been them for them but when it's been the other way round its been too much trouble for them. I don't have any close friends now, a couple of friend from years ago who I see very occassionally but who I know I could call on if I needed to and who I would be there for. Day to day I see few people but am beginning to feel much better about myself and less likely to be on the receiving end of this sort of treatment again. It's about valuing yourself as well as others. I've a long way to go but I will get there in the end.

It's hard but some people just aren't real friends and you atre better off without them

Nicki

Spidergirl76 wrote: »

Those of you that have said that it's a negative thing to dump the four friends outlined in my first post, I would be genuinely interested to know if you would put up with those behaviours from a friend?

I think you are misreading and distorting some of the responses, because they aren't completely validating what you have done.

Of course I, and probably everyone else on this thread, have moved on from relationships when they are no longer working out for me. What I have never done however, and what very few people do, is consciously sit down, evaluate all my friends and take a decision to cut a huge swathe of them out of my life all at the same time. That is quite an unusual thing to do, and I am surprised your counsellor encouraged you to do it, particularly as you will be vulnerable by reason of the counselling and therefore your perceptions of those friendships may be more negative now than they usually are. I have had counselling in the past too, and one of my counseloor's focuses was on strengthening the support systems in my life, and helping me to realise how important friends were and how they valued me, not cutting me off from them.

In answer to your questions about these specific friends. First, I would not have engineered an argument to get them out of my life. If I came to the conclusion they were no longer giving me pleasure I would have gently let go of them. I think you have possibly behaved to at least some of these friends as badly as you feel they behave to you.

The BF who didn't invite you to her wedding - I would have had a heart to heart with her as to why not, and got all other niggles out on the table. If you can't do that, then you are not much of a friend either, much less her best friend. If the answers weren't to my liking, then yes I might well have let her go, or downgraded her to an occasional friend.

The "passive aggressive" friend I would not have made any decision about while in a vulnerable place myself but seen less frequently until I was feeling better. Does she really deliver thinly veiled insults disguised as compliments, or are you a bit over sensitive at the moment, or is she just a bit tactless. Does she do it all the time, or just once or twice in classic foot in mouth way. Does she really offer nothing else?

The friend who drops in for a cup of tea but doesn't ask you to go out with her in the evenings is the kind of friend most of us have. Not all friends are evening out friends, not everyone can actually get out in the evenings all that often especially if they have kids as this friend does. Do you invite her out with your other friends in the evening when you go out? If so, does she come? If you don't, you don't treat her any differently than she treats you. And if you do invite her and she doesn't come, it demonstrates that it's logistically difficult for her. If you otherwise enjoyed your chats over a cup of tea, it's a shame to have lost this.

The "self centred" friend might not have known what to say. She might have misguidedly been trying to divert you to keep your spirits up. It might be a subject she has problems with for reasons unknown to you (eg you phone to say your mum has had a cancer scare, and she knows but hasn't told you that her own close family member has advanced cancer, or she has lost someone close to her from that, or is waiting for results of tests herself on a suspicious lump). Not all friends are good for support in all circumstances. If she offers something else of value in your life, maybe she moves from inner circle to outer circle of friends.

You asked if any of us had ever done what you have done. Relatively few people have dropped a lot of friends simultaneously in the way you describe. All of us, I should think, have dropped friends here and there along the way as we outgrow the friendship. If you are genuinely happy with your reduced circle of friends and don't miss the friends you have dropped, then that is great, but it is a dramatic thing to do.

Spidergirl76

Nicki wrote: »

I think you are misreading and distorting some of the responses, because they aren't completely validating what you have done.

And I feel that you are misreading and distorting what I've said I've done. I didn't say I had consciously sat down and evaluated my friends and cut them all from my life at the same time. You've assumed (incorrectly) that that is what I've done

Of course I, and probably everyone else on this thread, have moved on from relationships when they are no longer working out for me. What I have never done however, and what very few people do, is consciously sit down, evaluate all my friends and take a decision to cut a huge swathe of them out of my life all at the same time. That is quite an unusual thing to do, and I am surprised your counsellor encouraged you to do it, particularly as you will be vulnerable by reason of the counselling and therefore your perceptions of those friendships may be more negative now than they usually are. I have had counselling in the past too, and one of my counseloor's focuses was on strengthening the support systems in my life, and helping me to realise how important friends were and how they valued me, not cutting me off from them.

My counsellor hasn't cut me off from my friends; the friends I have referred to clearly didn't value me. As I have said to you several times, I do still have friends, and acquaintances.

In answer to your questions about these specific friends. First, I would not have engineered an argument to get them out of my life. If I came to the conclusion they were no longer giving me pleasure I would have gently let go of them. I think you have possibly behaved to at least some of these friends as badly as you feel they behave to you.

I find that quite offensive. I didn't engineer any arguments. I couldn't go on a night out and my best friend spoke to me badly. Surely you would speak up if someone spoke to you badly? You have made the assumption that I argued with these people.


The BF who didn't invite you to her wedding - I would have had a heart to heart with her as to why not, and got all other niggles out on the table. If you can't do that, then you are not much of a friend either, much less her best friend. If the answers weren't to my liking, then yes I might well have let her go, or downgraded her to an occasional friend.

The "passive aggressive" friend I would not have made any decision about while in a vulnerable place myself but seen less frequently until I was feeling better. Does she really deliver thinly veiled insults disguised as compliments, or are you a bit over sensitive at the moment, or is she just a bit tactless. Does she do it all the time, or just once or twice in classic foot in mouth way. Does she really offer nothing else?

No, nothing else, as I have already said

The friend who drops in for a cup of tea but doesn't ask you to go out with her in the evenings is the kind of friend most of us have. Not all friends are evening out friends, not everyone can actually get out in the evenings all that often especially if they have kids as this friend does. Do you invite her out with your other friends in the evening when you go out? If so, does she come? If you don't, you don't treat her any differently than she treats you. And if you do invite her and she doesn't come, it demonstrates that it's logistically difficult for her. If you otherwise enjoyed your chats over a cup of tea, it's a shame to have lost this.

As I said earlier in the thread she invites all mutual friends except me. Or would being left out not bother you either?

The "self centred" friend might not have known what to say. She might have misguidedly been trying to divert you to keep your spirits up. It might be a subject she has problems with for reasons unknown to you (eg you phone to say your mum has had a cancer scare, and she knows but hasn't told you that her own close family member has advanced cancer, or she has lost someone close to her from that, or is waiting for results of tests herself on a suspicious lump). Not all friends are good for support in all circumstances. If she offers something else of value in your life, maybe she moves from inner circle to outer circle of friends.

You asked if any of us had ever done what you have done. Relatively few people have dropped a lot of friends simultaneously in the way you describe. All of us, I should think, have dropped friends here and there along the way as we outgrow the friendship. If you are genuinely happy with your reduced circle of friends and don't miss the friends you have dropped, then that is great, but it is a dramatic thing to do.

There's been no need for some of the judgemental comments, digs and assumptions you've made. Whilst you may feel you manage your life and your friends perfectly, other people struggle with friendships, and believe it or not there are people that prey on those that have low self esteem and have no qualities to anyone as as a friend.

pinkshoes

Spidergirl76 wrote: »

I've ditched the:

Best friend from my schooldays who actually, looking back, wasn't a friend at all and spent my schooldays manipulating me, controlling me, and making me feel the whole school hated me except her. Her behaviour had, I realised recently, continued into adulthood, with her being repeatedly cruel to me, things like excluding me totally from her wedding but inviting other schoolfriends (whilst still declaring me her best friend!) and expecting me to do what she said, when she said it.

Ohhh, I had one of those too! She used to tell me clothes looked silly on me and didn't suit me, so all my childhood piccies are of me in baggy clothes; I was size 8 and 5'10"! She was overly curvy and 5'. She'd also just turn her back on me and start talking to someone else "cooler" that came along, even if I was mid-sentence!

My only regret is not realising what a nasty piece of work she was sooner! I just stopped talking to her (12 years ago now), and have never looked back.

Was pleased to find out she married this weird guy from school who used to take the p*ss out of her! She's also blocked on FB though, as I don't ever want to see her posts appearing on other people's walls!