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Give me patience, please!

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Just come back from visiting aunt, soon to be 87.

300 miles away at other end of country and necessitating a stay in Premier Inn ( £98 + petrol).

All I had was how she can go a week without speaking to anyone, how the neighbours have all changed etc etc .

However, she also tell me how a lovely lady is trying to get her to join the WI, which even has a little drop-in centre near the bus stop she uses. She also has one very close friend with whom she takes little trips.

I have been trying to get her to realise that she has to be more out-going and take up these invitations, to join in a bit more.

Just venting really - I live too far away to do more than the occasional visit and regular phone calls. But I can't do with the guilt trip!
Member #14 of SKI-ers club

Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

(Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
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  • SailorSam
    SailorSam Posts: 22,754 Forumite
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    At 87 she's not going to change now, whether it's for her own good or not she'll not suddenly become more outgoing.
    Liverpool is one of the wonders of Britain,
    What it may grow to in time, I know not what.

    Daniel Defoe: 1725.
  • pollypenny
    pollypenny Posts: 29,394 Forumite
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    She used to be outgoing when young, but I think she and her husband were self-sufficient.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 12,492 Forumite
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    yes she can pollypenny.

    Lots of people seem to like moaning when they get older, trouble is that she is probably living a bit in the past when people were more interactive and she hasn`t gone with the flow. Don`t take her words on board, she sounds like an energy taker and quite exhausting for you. Her life is still up to her and she is in control of herself
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,772 Forumite
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    I can empathise, pollypenny.

    We have to continually encourage Mum to go out to various places, if we didn't she would just stay at home (and complain that she goes for a week without talking to anyone).

    I can't see that you have anything to feel guilty about. I know that doesn't stop the feeling though. ;)
  • DalePie
    DalePie Posts: 147 Forumite
    edited 27 June 2012 at 4:16PM
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    I think that old people moaning is due to a few factors:

    1. They are starting to have trouble thinking logically about things. Years ago they would see a problem and try to solve it, now thinking about the problem is a difficulty let alone finding the answer.
    2. What do we do when we have problems? We moan, except the problem can't be solved so becomes a never ending cycle of problem > moaning > can't solve problem > moan more.
    3. Quite often older people now find it hard to understand why things are the way they are too. From my own experience this doesn't have to be anything modern it just has to be something moderately difficult to get your head around.
    4. Again, what do we do when we don't understand something or are perplexed by it? We moan about it, poke fun out of it, hide from it or sometimes we can be quite nasty towards it.

    My own grandparents are very much in the same boat (87 and 90 respectively). The family helps out and we all do a little bit but they have started to acquire very odd habits and are becoming more introverted as time goes by. It first started many years ago with medium length car trips being out of the question and has now slowly become the fact they won't leave the house if it's raining or misty. They also now have a pretty strict routine set-up and rarely deviate from it. Actual deviation from the routine can cause quite alot of anguish when it happens.

    This has been a very gradual deterioration over the past 10 years or so punctuated by stays in hospital or accidents that have almost certainly not helped (I think hospital and care home stays often do more harm than good).

    I think those who are saying you can change anyone are missing the major point here. The mother is 87 and at that age many people are starting to develop dementia or MCA even if they had been very healthy to that point. It's a part of the aging process.

    Changing a 70 year old and getting them out and about is much easier than getting a 90 year old to do the same. At this age I think just being there as much as possible and trying to make their life as nice as it can be and take away as much of the stress as possible is the key. Trying not to feel guilty too! Getting old happens to us all! Atleast you are there for your mum, many !!!!!!s never even try!
  • Errata
    Errata Posts: 38,230 Forumite
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    Just venting really
    Isn't that what your aunt was doing ? ;)
    .................:)....I'm smiling because I have no idea what's going on ...:)
  • pollypenny
    pollypenny Posts: 29,394 Forumite
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    Errata wrote: »
    Isn't that what your aunt was doing ? ;)



    Oooooh! Maybe. But she does have to get up and out more.

    She can be great company and we'd go often if we lived nearby, but it takes a day each way.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
  • missile
    missile Posts: 11,691 Forumite
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    My mother is 89 and has a better social life that I :T
    "A nation's greatness is measured by how it treats its weakest members." ~ Mahatma Gandhi
    Ride hard or stay home :iloveyou:
  • ladylouise62
    ladylouise62 Posts: 731 Forumite
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    I get both her side and yours. I'm not retirement age but health issues are making me fell less comfortable about 'getting out there' or tackling problems, and it all seems hard work.
    But I also recognise the feeling of being fed up hearing people moan about stuff that they could try and change,
    Don't beat your self up about feeling annoyed, but keep in mind that sorting it out is probably more daunting for her than you appreciate... and learn to tune out :)
  • chesky369
    chesky369 Posts: 2,590 Forumite
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    Oh, cut the old duck some slack - she's 87 for god's sake and she's allowed a bit of a moan if she feels like it. I'm 20 years younger and I certainly do every now and then.
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