Give me patience, please!

Lady_K

It doesnt seem as though your aunt is doing too bad for her age if she is still managing to go out on little trips with her close friend, a lot of people that age couldnt manage that so her health is better than most of that age.

As for the so called moaning, if she doesnt speak to another person for a week she is lonely and you will be the only person for her to unload her feelings onto, I would not begrudge her that. She probably is not trying to make you feel guilty but just wants to tell you, at least shes telling you and not keeping it in.

Trying to get an 87yr old to get out more is a lot to expect. She might have been outgoing when she was younger but people change. Losing family and friends over the years and becoming more and more lonely is sad. You also don't know if she has other issues affecting her staying in more like continence etc which a lot of ladies her age have, you just don't know.

I live alone, I'm much younger than your aunt but loneliness is something I feel I could die from sometimes. Although I admit I do not bother people with this personally, I'm a keeper innerer.

Theres not a lot you can do living so far away apart from listen and keep in contact by phone, that will be helping her.

The only other thing is could social services, help the aged or ageuk give some advice for things available in the area where she lives? I heard there is a befriending kind of service if your aunt might like that? You could phone for advice first before suggesting anything to her that they may do

missile

pollypenny wrote: »

I am 22 years younger and while I might have the odd moan, I don't put a guilt trip on to my kids.


My point is that she is not helping herself. We all have to cope with changes in our lives and have to make the best of them. Living 300 miles away, there's not a lot great deal I can do, other that phone calls and a couple of visits a year.

This post sound like you are moaning. Nothing wrong with that. It is good for us to vent. :A
No doubt she looks forward to your visits and may think this will encourage you to visit more often? Unfortunately there is little you can do to change her behaviour, but you can change how it affects you. If you can't phone or visit more often there is no need for you to feel guilty. :grouphug:

pollypenny

Ladyk, the whole point is that she has spoken to people in a week and is ignoring 'hands of friendship'.

As for social services, she had a visit from a social worker after she broke her hip, but has refused help.

As I said, living 300 miles away, and having to stay in an hotel, means visits have to be rare.

I did vent and am grateful for comments, but I am not going to beat myself up.

BTW: I have a cousin and a sister who live considerably nearer.

Pollycat

Pollypenny
I get why you're frustrated with your aunt.

Just curious - do your cousin and sister go to see her?

pollypenny

Cousin goes occasionally, sister never, although she rings. Couldn't even be a***d to go to uncles funeral.

Lady_K

Pollypenny

Of course you are doing everything you can yourself and it is frustrating that your aunt doesnt want to accept help from the social services or take the hand of friendship from others.

I have a step mother age 82 this year and she too wont accept help from social services or occupational health and has also refused the hand of friendship from people even just to go to a little group at the church hall that is on her own street directly accross from her house. Its a shame she would like it I'm sure and she knows some of them already.
With the social services and occupational health I think its pride and fear in her case because quite a few of her friends have been moved into a care home because they couldnt manage at home themselves, she is scared basically that it will happen to her, not sure if that could be the same for your aunt.

Its a shame your sister and her cousin don't help but that happens in families a lot I think, but to not to go to the uncles funeral is really bad and shows just how much they don't care.

You could still phone ageuk just for advice though to see if they suggest anything, other than that theres not much else you can do that you arent doing already especially with living so far away

margaretclare

The title of this thread takes me back to schooldays. My French mistress used to say, sometimes in extreme exasperation: 'Que Dieu me donnerai patience!' with eyes cast upwards to heaven.

Dunroamin

Do you think that she would like to learn to use a computer (if she can't already) so that she could have contact with a wider group via Facebook, forums etc?

pollypenny

She has Age-related Macular Degeneration - so no.

Help from that angle is another one that she refuses. I have suggested that asks her consultant about being registered partially sighted, in which case she would be eligible for help from the RNIB and, probably, social services.

Mojisola

One thing no-one's mentioned which I noticed as my parents got older - their confidence went downhill quite a lot. They were people who could cope with anything and were always to first to help other people sort out problems - they wouldn't have walked past a stranger in the street who looked as if they needed help. As they got older and their hearing and vision, balance and mobility weren't quite as good and they knew their reaction time was slowing down, their confidence slipped away - eg "If I go out and xxx happens, I might not be able to deal with it" and they wouldn't have been as able to cope so their worries were reasonable.

When my health has been bad, I've felt the same way so I did empathise with them. If we hadn't been able to give them "safe" ways of getting out and about, they wouldn't have gone at all.

It's much harder to help with someone else's life from a distance but do contact the local agencies such as AgeUk. We have a voluntary group in our area which teams older people up with a helper who will visit once a week for a chat or to go out. Could you get the contact details of the WI lady and encourage her attempts at getting your aunt out?