Care of older parents? Any advice....

grannybroon

I have had the day from h##l with my mother who has dementia. Starting with a phonecall at 5.00 am this morning saying she was dying! Phone call to NHS direct (I am 200 miles way) and nothing wrong when doctor called to house. I think I am going to have to invoke PofA soon. Mum maintains she can cope living on her own. She won't accept community help. I dread having to take the next step. She is almost at the stage she can't live on her own.

I think you have to consider where your Dad and Mum can live in a safe and cared for environment. Easier because my Mum on her own. More difficult for your Dad. However, his health must be taken into consideration.

I have had little support from local agencies - not their fault. They can only do something if Mum agrees - and she doesn't.

Thinking about you and I do know how difficult things can be.

meer53

grannybroon wrote: »

I have had the day from h##l with my mother who has dementia. Starting with a phonecall at 5.00 am this morning saying she was dying! Phone call to NHS direct (I am 200 miles way) and nothing wrong when doctor called to house. I think I am going to have to invoke PofA soon. Mum maintains she can cope living on her own. She won't accept community help. I dread having to take the next step. She is almost at the stage she can't live on her own.

I think you have to consider where your Dad and Mum can live in a safe and cared for environment. Easier because my Mum on her own. More difficult for your Dad. However, his health must be taken into consideration.

I have had little support from local agencies - not their fault. They can only do something if Mum agrees - and she doesn't.

Thinking about you and I do know how difficult things can be.

When my MIL was in hospital after her last fall, an assessment was made as to whether she was capable of making her own decisions.

Luckily, she realised that she wouldn't be able to cope again on her own at home so a care home was arranged. BUT, if the assessment had decided that she wasn't capable of making her own decision, then she would have been overruled and we would have made that decision for her.

I'd go back to your local SS to ask about this, depending on how bad your Mum is. The assessment was carried out by the Social Worker and my MIL's doctor. It was pretty borderline really but we all knew she couldn't cope.

Mojisola

VictoriaBlyth wrote: »

My mum has dementia - physically fit, but could not be left alone for any length of time. Dad has angina, has had heart attacks, has spinal problems and diabetes.

VictoriaBlyth wrote: »

but he has had heart attacks and angina, doc's say stress is a big factor, and I fully endorse that having spent time with mam.

VictoriaBlyth wrote: »

To be honest, home helps etc., are not needed. Their flat is sparkling clean, they eat reasonably well, no care concerns, more a support concern.

I can't agree with this. A man who has angina, spinal problems and diabetes who is subjected to the stress involved with caring 24/7 for a loved one with dementia does need help.

What's the cost to his health of keeping the flat clean, shopping and cooking, washing and ironing all while managing a dementia patient?

If he had someone in to clean for a few hours who would also look after your mother, not only would he be able to get out or shut himself away and enjoy a few stress-free hours, he also wouldn't have the cleaning/washing/etc to do at another time, so reducing his stress further.

The charity Crossroads offers carers relief by providing someone to look after the sick person. Try contacting them as well as AgeUK, SS, OTs, a private carer company, Wiltshire Farm Foods (even if your Dad only uses the frozen meals on the days he isn't feeling well) and anyone else people suggest.

Check that they are claiming everything they are entitled to.

I think you need to be blunt with your father. Either he accepts help now which may allow your parents to stay in their own home or he will die from stress before your mother who will have to go into care and the flat will have to be sold to pay for that.

By accepting care now he may actually be preserving the asset he wants to pass on to the grandchildren as well as keeping his promise to keep her at home.

azzabazza

meer53 wrote: »

When my MIL was in hospital after her last fall, an assessment was made as to whether she was capable of making her own decisions.

Luckily, she realised that she wouldn't be able to cope again on her own at home so a care home was arranged. BUT, if the assessment had decided that she wasn't capable of making her own decision, then she would have been overruled and we would have made that decision for her.

I'd go back to your local SS to ask about this, depending on how bad your Mum is. The assessment was carried out by the Social Worker and my MIL's doctor. It was pretty borderline really but we all knew she couldn't cope.

I think the problem is getting the parent to accept they need help. My Mum totally does not accept she has dementia and will not accept help from the family or the community she lives in.

Mojisola

azzabazza wrote: »

Nothing can be enforced at the moment because Mum says she can cope. We need to invoke PofA and provide proof she can't cope. We have been told we have to involve GP, solictor, bank etc to back this up. Not a nice thing to do when your parent won't accept she needs help.

Have the OTs done an assessment at home where they watch her going up and down stairs, getting in and out of the bath, making a cup of tea, preparing vegetables, etc?

Brighton_belle

I've nothing much helpful to offer OP, but my sympathy for such a very difficult situation.

Something you do need to consider is sorting out a Pof A now for your Dad, so that if you ever find yourself in this situation with him, you will be able to make decisions on his behalf. They can only be invoked once the 'doner' can no longer make decisions for themselves.
Obviously it is too late for your mum as they can only be signed when able to make such decisions.

troubleinparadise

Dad has just had his second stay in hospital with angina, and I have been staying with mum to care for her. It just cannot go on like this. I love my mum to bits, but after 24 hours with her, I realised that I just cannot cope with her dementia long term.

I'm with Mojisola on this - the reality is that your Mum's condition is only going to get worse, and your poor dad is struggling with his own health issues. If you, younger and fitter, can't cope, how is he going to?

Could I suggest you also have a look at the Alzheimer's Society website, which has a lot of information about all aspects of dementia which could prove helpful to you as you try to find a way to make this work for your parents. Good luck - it's a big challenge in so many ways.

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/

amyloofoo

If they've not already had one, then you / they need to contact your local Social Services for an assessment. It's best if you can make sure you're there when it takes place as quite often people understate their needs for fear of being moved into a care home, etc. When they've had the assessment, social services should be able to tell you how much support (financial and otherwise) they're able to offer. Increasingly now, if they are entitled to financial support then it may well be in the form of a 'personal budget' in which they're allocated money for their support but have a measure of choice in how it's spent, i.e. residential or home care, home adaptations, respite care, etc.

miss_marsters

My Grandparents live in a block of retirement flats (privately rented) and there is at least one person living there who shows signs of dementia.

I believe she is fairly safe there, although by no means taken care of by the warden - who in this case is more of a 'house manager'

Actually the only reason she is functioning ok is because the other residents take care of her, guide her back to her flat and accept the 5am knocks at the door.

It is alot of strain on the residents, many who are 70+, and you cant always guarentee this kindness.

There is the option of extracare sheltered house, which i believe can cope with the demands dementia can bring

Heres a link: http://www.extracare.org.uk/extracare-communities.aspx

But its worth nothing that the quickest way to these places is buying a flat which can be £100 K plus

Some can be accessed through the council, but even in our case with a critically ill grandad and a disabled nana we were only put in band C :eek:

azzabazza

Mojisola wrote: »

Have the OTs done an assessment at home where they watch her going up and down stairs, getting in and out of the bath, making a cup of tea, preparing vegetables, etc?

Mojisola, some assessments have been made but it is very difficult when Mum says she does not require help. At the moment she can shower, cook and make a cup of tea. However, things are changing quite rapidly and this is why the family will have to step in soon. Not a situation any of us is looking forward to.