Care of older parents? Any advice....

VictoriaBlyth

I just need a few pointers from those who have been through it.

My mum has dementia - physically fit, but could not be left alone for any length of time. Dad has angina, has had heart attacks, has spinal problems and diabetes. They are both in their seventies, and in a small, privately owned flat. Dad has just had his second stay in hospital with angina, and I have been staying with mum to care for her. It just cannot go on like this. I love my mum to bits, but after 24 hours with her, I realised that I just cannot cope with her dementia long term.
The best solution would be for them both to go into sheltered housing. My reasoning is that if anything happened to dad (most likely), mum would have people around her, and would feel settled, rather than anxious. If it were the other way around, dad is very sociable, and would hopefully have made frineds by that time.

The problem is, I don't know where to start in arranging all of this. There is a particular sheltered housing sheme they seem to find acceptable,and I will be ringing them in the next couple of days to find out as much info as possible, but I really need to talk to someone about the whole situation and don't know who to ask..... do we need to sell their flat, or could we rent it out to cover the rent of sheltered housing? Are they entitled to any help in the flat? (They get nothing but me at the moment). What happens when their money runs out?
I have got a battle on my hands because they have 4 grandchildren they want to leave their flat to (!!!!!! that - they worked hard for their money, and need to use it to the best now), and really don't want to be 'cared for', so I am trying to present this as almost a 'done deal', to help. Sounds wrong,I know, but implied conversations with dad seem to indicate that although he could not make that decision, they would be happy to be 'told' what to do.

Sorry, sorry for the long post. I am feeling guilty that I know I could not cope with mums dementia, and just need to find the best way forward for both of them - so, long story short, who do I speak to about them?

lostinrates

Well, it depends. My grandmother had to move when her dementia got worse, and moving somewhere where granddad had not been made her worse quickly. I would try and find somewhere where your mother can stay if your father predecceases her, and sheltered housing might not be the best option for that.

Wilma33

If your mum has dementia and can't be left for any length of time then I don't think sheltered housing would be enough for her if anything happened to your dad. They generally have a warden for emergencies so are good for fail people who are worried about a fall etc. But they don't provide care as such. That's my understanding anyway.

azzabazza

Sorry to hear about your parents. I can fully sympathise with you.

My mother has alzheimers and can just about still stay on her own. Three family members (including myself) have Power of Attorney which we think we will need to activate soon. We are finding it quite difficult to get straight answers to questions regarding my mother's future well-being.

A friend of mine's mum lives in specialised sheltered housing. The house the mum owns is now rented out and income helps considerably towards the sheltered housing.

Can you discuss your concerns with your parent's GP? We have had several useful conversations with my mum's GP and we are now awaiting for a report from the Dementia Assessment Clinic to see what recommendations may have been made.

I too feel very guilty and find it difficult to cope with mum's dementia - it is an awful affliction.

Tiddlywinks

I know how difficult it is to care for parents - we want the best for them and sometimes that means them giving up some independence in return.

A few things spring to mind:

It will take some searching to find the right sheltered scheme as a lot of independent living places don't accept tenants with dementia.

If your dad is so poorly then he will need an awful lot of support with your mum - her condition is likely to worsen and could impact negatively on your dad's health as well.

In our case, my OH's nan had dementia and she managed to open her front door and wander out in the early hours - the warden had no idea as she didn't make her first visit until 08:00. Nan was found in a ditch by a dog walker - she told him she had fallen whist walking to work (to a village she worked in when she was in her 20s). She had no coat on so was cold and also had her handbag with her so she could easily have been mugged if the wrong person had found her.

I guess I'm telling you this to illustrate that there gets a point where sheltered housing is not enough - I think you need to speak with her doctor about her actual abilities and predicted progression of the dementia - there is no point in moving her once and then finding the new place unsuitable in only a short time and then having to move them both again.

Could you investigate getting her needs assessed by the local authority and see if funding is available for home care.

VictoriaBlyth

Thanks both - the problem is, dad is okay mentally, and might be around for a couple of years yet, so a care home is most definitely not appropriate.
He is struggling to cope. It is only when you live with it that you appreciate how much hard work dementia really is.
During the last episode of him being taken inot hospital, my brother was ill and could not get there immediately. Luckily, I had just returned from a coupleof meetings in London and Nottingham, and got to the hospital within an hour of him being admitted. My initial thoughts are that at least if she was in sheltered housing, someone would be there with her when it all kicked off, until one of us could get there. The confusion and fear in her face when I arrived at the hospital still chills me and I just want to try and find the best solution. I have suggested they move in with us, but we live 'in the middle of nowhere' and they won't entertain it.
am not looking for someone to look after her, just to be there for her until we can get there if anything happens, and also to give dad an opportunity to speak to someone else - he can go for days just listening to the 3 or 4 topics of conversation mam rotates continuously. Just 5 minutes a day in passing conversation would preserve his sanity.
Any other ideas or suggestions would be welcome.

*** Sorry, posted this before reading the last coupleof responses. Oh, God, it just gets harder.... dad is 'okay' he had the brain cells, she has the physical ability( I know that sounds awful, but I hope you know what I mean, and he is adament he can care for her, even though we all know the time has come that he can't).
I don't know who her GP is, will have to find out. Will he speak to me without her being there? She would just deny everything!

GobbledyGook

Your best bet is to speak to the sheltered housing place that they find acceptable. It'll entirely depend on the place. The one my Grandfather ended up in was a sheltered housing complex, but it also had a care home section. Somewhere like that may be good because if your father predeceases your mother then she could still be in the same complex, just in a different room.

GobbledyGook

Also you should speak to the GP or local social work and ask for an assessment to be made for them. There may be services that can be offered that could keep them at home - carers for your Grandmother, home helps, meals on wheels, adjustments etc. It's well worth getting all your options so you know what is out there.

hardpressed

Most GPs are very happy to speak to a patients family although they cannot discuss the patients medical condition without their permission. It is helpful for them to know the patients home and family situation.

Wilma33

Age UK are a useful source of info.

cavework

I have got a battle on my hands because they have 4 grandchildren they want to leave their flat to (!!!!!! that - they worked hard for their money, and need to use it to the best now), and really don't want to be 'cared for', so I am trying to present this as almost a 'done deal', to help. Sounds wrong,I know, but implied conversations with dad seem to indicate that although he could not make that decision, they would be happy to be 'told' what to do.
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Your father has the last say about the future.. no one else at this moment..
perhaps looking at ways they can stay in their home with help from Social services , meals on wheels is the way to go?
get an assessment from SS for their needs, contact Age Uk .. they will give you lots of advice which you can then discuss with your Dad..
It's a difficult position to be in and you have my sympathy in having to deal with it,but your father is still capable of making his own decisions and this should be your first consideration.