Care of older parents? Any advice....

Mojisola

Start with an assessment by SS and the Occupational Therapists. Then, when your talk to care homes/sheltered housing you will be able to give them an accurate description of their needs.

None of the sheltered housing around here has full-time staff so your Mum wouldn't be able to stay there without your Dad.

Are they claiming all the benefits they are entitled to? What my parents were getting meant that I had quite a lot of flexibility when choosing paid carers for them and it meant they could stay in their own home.

VictoriaBlyth

Cavework - thanks, I appreciate everything you say about the final decision being my dads, but he has had heart attacks and angina, doc's say stress is a big factor, and I fully endorse that having spent time with mam. I ho9nestly love her, but she is being selfish inthat she has made dad promise that he won't put her in a home, won't move her from where she is now etc., He absolutely dotes on her, and has made the promise, but he is going to kill himself keeping it. Fair enough, you may say that is his decision to make, but what happens when it does kill him? She will have to go to a place she has never seen before, without him, and would be totally lost and bereft......

I will try to speak to: her doc, the sheltered housing, and age concern( or age UK) and see how to progress things. I thank you all for your advice, it is an awful situation to be in, there will never be any winners here, will there?


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azzabazza

*** Sorry, posted this before reading the last coupleof responses. Oh, God, it just gets harder.... dad is 'okay' he had the brain cells, she has the physical ability( I know that sounds awful, but I hope you know what I mean, and he is adament he can care for her, even though we all know the time has come that he can't).
I don't know who her GP is, will have to find out. Will he speak to me without her being there? She would just deny everything![/QUOTE]


My mum's gp has spoken to us without Mum being present. Most of the time my mum is in denial - although see below.

I have just spoken to my mum and I know what she was doing today. She has told me she was out, didn't know where, her memory is not good is it? I do find this heartbreaking as although she is on medication she is not improving. Things will only get worse.

She actually gets very nasty with us from time to time because we are 'interfering'. No we are not and her anger we have been told is par for the course.

PasturesNew

With my mother I was advised that with dementia she'd never be allowed into sheltered housing.

azzabazza

cavework wrote: »

I have got a battle on my hands because they have 4 grandchildren they want to leave their flat to (!!!!!! that - they worked hard for their money, and need to use it to the best now), and really don't want to be 'cared for', so I am trying to present this as almost a 'done deal', to help. Sounds wrong,I know, but implied conversations with dad seem to indicate that although he could not make that decision, they would be happy to be 'told' what to do.
Quote

Your father has the last say about the future.. no one else at this moment..
perhaps looking at ways they can stay in their home with help from Social services , meals on wheels is the way to go?
get an assessment from SS for their needs, contact Age Uk .. they will give you lots of advice which you can then discuss with your Dad..
It's a difficult position to be in and you have my sympathy in having to deal with it,but your father is still capable of making his own decisions and this should be your first consideration.

We have had assessments done for Mum - care in the community alarm, meals on wheels, going to a day centre. She totally refuses to accept the need for this help. Things are actually now coming to a head and I think the family have to sit down with her and spell it out, hence the Power of Attorney.

We are all retired and not just as fit as we used to be! Taking her into any of our homes is not an option. She alientated her 3 son in laws 40 or so years ago! Also to be a bit selfish, being recently retired having raised my family, worked full-time etc I want some enjoyment and time to spend with DH and grandchildren plus pursue hobbies.

VictoriaBlyth

Thanks again - so, if she cannot go into sheltered housing because of dementia,is the only alternative to leave them both at home until something happens to dad, then she will need to go into a care home? Is there any other alternative that would be suitable for both of them? To be honest, home helps etc., are not needed. Their flat is sparkling clean, they eat reasonably well, no care concerns, more a support concern. I do everything I can, but live about 50 miles away from them, work full time and am not exactly a spring chicken myself - but it is the type of situation that if I lived 2 miles away and worked part time, we could cope with as a family. Ugh - isn't getting older a pain?

GobbledyGook

VictoriaBlyth wrote: »

Thanks again - so, if she cannot go into sheltered housing because of dementia,is the only alternative to leave them both at home until something happens to dad, then she will need to go into a care home? Is there any other alternative that would be suitable for both of them? To be honest, home helps etc., are not needed. Their flat is sparkling clean, they eat reasonably well, no care concerns, more a support concern. I do everything I can, but live about 50 miles away from them, work full time and am not exactly a spring chicken myself - but it is the type of situation that if I lived 2 miles away and worked part time, we could cope with as a family. Ugh - isn't getting older a pain?

If your Dad had home helps and the likes though it could take a little of the pressure off of him. They may also be able to help with things like respite or lunch clubs or acitivities. Things that perhaps your Dad doesn't desperately need, but will take some of the responsibility from his shoulders.

When my Grandad's home helps came in to make his lunch my Nana used to go for a walk or something. It was only 20 minutes, but it was 20 minutes everyday that was hers. She could walk to the shops for a paper, she could go for a bath or shower or she could phone a friend or whatever - it was just 20 minutes where the pressure was off and she didn't have to worry about him. She could have easily made his lunch herself, but the break meant she didn't kill herself caring for him.

It was also the home helps who were the first to spot when things were slipping and they were the ones who flagged up to me that Nana was starting to struggle to cope. It was also amazing how suggestions of going to lunch club or respite were labelled as "ridiculous" when we suggested them, but were the best idea ever if the "girls in uniform" suggested it. Their support was invaluable, more invaluable than their lunch making skills tbh.

pink68

Wilma33 wrote: »

Age UK are a useful source of info.

i have to agree with this. i have issues mentioned on another thread with a gran with dementia who wont accept help.

Age uk were really helpful though, and they document it all so you are covered in case of 'who said what' happens.

can be really hard to get them to accept help though. My gran always tells me she cant afford help, when i know for well she has more money than me!

big5

Are there any day centres or care homes offering respite care that could give you some short term help with your mother?

My grandparents were in a similar situation and my granddad was adamant that he could cope. It took quite a long time and a couple of hospital stays for him to admit things couldn't go on the way they were. Having my grandmother in hospital, or in respite care when my granddad was ill, made him realise how exhausting it was to have her at home and that he was running himself into the ground. They are now both in the same nursing home (on different wings), although they are in their 90s, so this option may not appeal to your father who is still relatively young and independent.

I wish there were some easy answers or a cure for dementia - it's a terrible illness.

meer53

Sheltered housing generally isn't really suitable for someone with dementia. It would probably be suitable for the OP's father though. It's a difficult one really as they obviously need to be together.

My MIL was in sheltered housing when she developed dementia. It started off with falling, followed by hospitalisation for these, and a gradual decline in her being able to look after herself. It was only whilst in hospital for the last fall (last August) that an assessment was made and it was decided that she was no longer safe where she was. She had previously had carers going in 4 times a day to make sure she was ok but they are limited in what they can do, they would ask if she'd eaten and she would say she had. She'd forgotten she hadn't.

I knew something was wrong, she used to call me about 25-30 times a day ! She went into a care home last November and we can now rest assured that she is ok and is being looked after.

It must be really difficult when a couple are involved as the right choice may not be welcomed by the one who is still mentally ok, elderly people are usually quite stubborn, and often can't accept that the right decision may mean that one of them may need more care than they can give.

I suppose the ideal would be for them both to be in a home, residential rather than care, i'm not sure whether this would be possible though considering the dementia aspect.