How to help partner with weight loss psycological issues

Tobster86

My partner is overweight and stuck in the poor personal image -> poor management -> not losing weight vicious cycle. Despite trying my best to help her, I just don't seem to be able to and would like some advice. I know I'm 'a bloke' and everything, but I feel I have failed to deal with this properly and need help.

Firstly, she is under no pressure from me to lose weight as it really doesn't bother me (I make the joke "there's just more of you to love!"), but she has (I believe) put herself under immense emotional pressure which on the long run has been counter-productive.

She has tried the Dukan diet on a couple of occasions. Each time losing a massive amount of weight initially before it became ineffective and rebounded. I'm no biologist, but I am an engineer and I believe this, and all other 'fad' diets are just stupid nonsense; targeting biological processes that result in unnatural & unsustainable rapid weight loss.

They point to a key part of the problem - she wants to lose weight as quickly and effortlessly as possible. My take on the situation is that there is no easy or fast way. On the grounds that we both have a reasonably healthy diet, and that reducing food intake is not the answer as it leads to hunger which is counter-productive, I have suggested the very simple fitness routine of a 15min run everyday (increasing with gains in physical ability), and see where we are in a few months.

This course of conversation just turns into argument. She has an objection to every suggestion; I could write an essay, but generally "I'm on my feet all day at work and am too tired when I get home".

So that's where it is really; I think just starting with a 15 minute run everyday and not changing the way we eat, throwing all those nonsense Dukan books in the bin, and just seeing how we go is a reasonable way forward. This ought to just lead to a general increase in metabolism and energy that will overcome the calorie surplus that must be happening now.

The alternative is she'll keep trying fad diets, that 30 seconds of Googling will tell you are complete nonsense, and stay overweight for the long term. I can't seem to convince her that this problem can't be tackled quickly or easily; but instead that she should try what I have suggested and will eventually be much happier for it.

I really think I'm being as supportive as possible, but if you think I'm part of the problem, feel free to shoot my aspects of the situation down in flames; I'm open to all suggestions and advice and my goal is to make her happy.

BitterAndTwisted

I don't think you are being as supportive as possible: it seems that you have one idea about how she could tackle her weight and she has another.

If none of her different diet regimes have worked, and she doesn't want to listen to your advice why don't you just stand back. leave her alone and not engage with her about it? Her weight isn't a problem for you in any case, so you don't have to feel like you ought to solve it for her. You can't anyway. Eventually she might get some medical advice about it rather than surfing the internet for new, daft diets that don't work.

whitewing

I actually agree with you about the 15 mins exercise, but I also don't know how you're going to get her doing it if she doesn't want to.

If she is losing a lot initially maybe she needs that boost. Perhaps work on supporting her maintaining the loss.

Do kepp supporting her being a healthy bmi. I wish someone had honestly and kindly helped me address my weight issues. I was in such avoidance that it is well out of control now.

mountainofdebt

tbh you sound very much like my OH - he can't understand why people fall for these faddy diets (and strangely enough he's an engineer as well) when the basic principle of losing weight is use up more calories than you take in

speaking as a womanm the only time I have ever succesfully lost weight is when I wanted to lose weight for me and that was on a sensible diet not one of these faddy things.

I can see why they are so popular though - think of the famous people that have lost weight by following this diet and you can see why us mere mortals also fall for it lol!

also the thought of exercising does nothing for me but I've become alot trimmer since we've had a dog simply because he's needed to be walked - so instead of sitting on my butt I'm now walking for 2 hrs in the evening. Could it be the thought of running is putting her off - do you know how unattractive an overweight woman would feel running, not to mention the ridicule that she feels that she would open herself up to??

I suppose you could come to a deal where she follows your 'diet and exercise regieme' for say 2 months and if she honestly can't see a change at the end of that time, having not weighed until the end, she can follow what ever faddy diet she wants and you won't utter a word of disapproval

Nan63

Although I am sure you mean well, suggesting that an overweight, self conscious person goes for run is perhaps a bit thoughtless. Suggesting exercise is a good thing but take things a bit slower at first - perhaps a walk after dinner might be more attractive?

I like that you want to help her but the motivation really has to come from her, no amount of 'encouragement' from you is going to help if she just doesn't have it in her to do anything.

Help her put together a realistic meal plan that you can both share so she doesn't feel she is missing out on the good stuff. That said, a little treat now and then doesn't do any harm either so remember to factor those in! Good luck to you both.

Jinx

My hubby could have written that initial post! Although you dont want your other half to lose weight, mine would cos he prefers me slimmer and knows that I want to be slimmer. Its an absolute minefield and you probably feel your place is in the wrong........

I would ask your partner what you can do to help and she may say buy me an exercise bike/gym membership or she may just say butt out!

My OH treads a fine line, hes encouraging me while I do weight watchers online and will buy expensive low cal snacks etc and is very positive over the slow loss (2 stone over a year) and encourages me to get on my exercise bike. Running would be a non starter for me, think black eyes!:eek::eek::eek: I am seriously considering hypnosis to help with my addiction/lack of will power re munchies! (worked for hubby with smoking)

Lotus-eater

I don't think running is the answer, other exercise yes, but not running.

Try and think of something you can do together at the weekend, it doesn't have to be a "exercise" as such, just something you both enjoy.
Geocaching would be great if you are in to that sort of thing.

Just a new hobby really, but one that means you do something, instead of nothing.

bright_side

Oh bless you, I feel for you, I really do! Having been the person who was constantly upset, annoyed, frustrated at not being able to stick to a 'diet', I look back now and think 'my poor friend' (who listened to my constant complaining, offered advice, which I never took etc etc). It must be incredibly tiresome when you are doing your best to help someone and they don't appear to be helping theselves.
Bottom line is your partner will not lose the weight (and keep it off) until she is a million percent ready to do so. Until then, there will always be an excuse as to why they can't do this or that. How a person gets to the 'ready' point, I really have no clue, but I got there eventually! Has she tried the slimming world plan? It's not a fad! It is a well balanced healthy eating plan, which is the closest to 'normal' eating behaviours that I've ever come across. It gives fantastic results if stuck to!
Oh and yes, of course excercise helps, but I lost all my excess weight (about 3 stone) without doing any.

mum2one

I know its "indoor", but have you a wii / xbox etc, and maybe if you have a lets dance, or wii fit, have a go at together, even the lets dance burns up calories.

Your oh may be embarrased about going for a 15 min run, she may feel she can't keep up, or shes embarrased in general.

I feel like I;m the pot calling the kettle black,as if I jumped on the scales it would say get off and weigh one at a time.

The sensible answer is diet but food in smaller portions, swopping what you eat, how about trying weightwatchers, or slimming world. if she doesn't want to go to a meeting what about online, with weightwatchers, if you go via cashback sites, you get the equivalent of the 1st month refunded, I keep looking but havn't got the motivation to press yes...

Sounds like your being so supportive, xx

bikelesschick

It seems that you've received a lot of great advice so far but I just wanted to second what others have said about you suggesting running. You say that your gf feels under a lot of pressure to lose weight and any suggestions from you may be seen as pressure from you (even if these are not meant to!).

I second the previous posters in that, it may be more supportive from her point of view (and productive from yours) if you had a one to one with her and opened up your views. Something on the lines of: her weight really doesn't bother you, but you know that it bothers her, you want to help because you want her to be happy but you're not sure why and then ask her how you can help.

Some food for thought... there are 3000 calories in 1kg of fat. Doing 60 minutes at a fairly high strength level on the cross trainer burns 700 calories, body pump classes (weight lifting sort of thing to music) 400, body combat/boxercise 450. These are approximate but it shows how much exercise would be required to burn a pound per weeks simply through exercise. Most people who are overweight wouldn't be able to sustain 3 hours of intensive workout per week unless they were fairly fit to start with (not many in my experience!). Plus, most people who are trying to lose weight are very conscious of their bodies and maybe reluctant to go gym, run outdoors, etc

Whilst I'm a firm belief of regular exercise, I also believe that making smaller changes in daily diets is a much more effective weight loss strategy. I also agree that slimming world is not a fad diet but it opens our eyes up to how much hidden calories there are in what we eat. Simple changes like using an oil spray to cook/grilling instead of frying make a massive difference in the long-term.

Good luck!

Apologies for the long post.

geri1965_2

What about cycling? It is great exercise and also will not put as much strain on the joints as running.