Advice on how to deal with my own resentment?

lazer

I'm going to have to echo the advice of everyone else - just move on with your life and don't let him bother you. (Easier said than done, I know) It seems to me like that it is your parents treatment of your brother you resent - have you ever spoken to them about how you feel, do they understand?

You need to see remember that you and your brother are both adults and have chosen different paths in life, and as you are the one closer to home you get the benefits of seeing them everyday and so your relationship is special to them as well. They probably do take you for granted as it natural when people are around to just assume they will always be around and not make any special effort with them, whereas with your brother they only see him occassionally and want to spend as much time as possible with him when he is at home - it sis understandable, but this doesn't make it any easier for you.

Maybe do consider a chat with a consellor?

mustmakealist

One thing that I picked up some time ago is that you cannot change how people behave, but you can change how you react to their behaviour.

It sounds as though you would like your brother to be more dutiful and visit your parents more often. He isn't going to is he? You would like him to be more considerate when he comes, but he isn't going to do that either. You would like your parents to treat him the same way that they do you and not make him the focus of their attention when he visits. I don't think that they will do that either.

You have a choice as to how you react to all of this.

Your brother won't come and visit more often and he won't behave any differently when he does come. You can carry on as you are or you can make some changes to your behaviour as that is what you do have control over.

Your parents do like to see him and will make him feel special. It doesn't mean that they love you less. How they show it is different.

If you don't feel happy about what happens when he visits think about what you can do differently. Can you go out somewhere? For a meal, picnic, visit to a sporting event or whatever you all used to do as a family when you were younger? Can they all come and visit you for a day/afternoon/evening.

In the end you need to find a way of feeling at peace with yourself. You can't control everything and you can't control the behaviour of others.

voucherlover

I have had a similar relationship with my family- also one brother who has had preferential treatment at times. I find he responds best to direct requests and calling him out on his lazy/selfishness. For example re your wedding, I would send an email/ phone him and say that he was expected to turn up the day before and that parents wouldn't be available for lifts on the day. He would then either book a plane ticket the day earlier or get a taxi. Have you also told your parent's that you would like them with you on the morning of your wedding? They might not realise that's what you want.

pink68

Dear OP

i know it seems like its hard, I had a very similar relationship with my brother. In fact I even accused my mother of loving him more than me!

She said that she loved him like a rare jewel because when he visited it was always a special day. But she loved me even more because I was always there for her and her best friend.
It made me wonder how I could ever think badly of her.

I recently started a thread about my gran and feeling unsupported in her care, everyone encouraged me to speak to the relative i felt wasnt pulling his weight and his response wasnt what i'd built up in my head at all!

Dont let this come between your brother and you, love him and cherish him but accept he has different ideas about how to live his life. And if you feel you are put upon too much just start saying 'no'. We girls are good at making rods for our own backs when it comes to families!

Sometimes you need to just tell people how you feel so talk to your parents, and seperately your brother. But do it calmly when you are happy. It may surprise you the response you get!

Desperado99

Errata wrote: »

It's the Crown Prince syndrome. Start seeing the funny side of it and your life will be very mucb easier.

LOL we refer to my eldest brother as the 'Golden Child', I'm 'Daddy's little princess' as I'm the youngest, and the other one is simply the 'Middle Child' (and boy don't we know it )

The best thing is to live your life how you want it. If you're happy in your life it'll be harder for him to irritate you.

ktb

mustmakealist wrote: »

One thing that I picked up some time ago is that you cannot change how people behave, but you can change how you react to their behaviour.

If I could go back and tell my younger self anything, it is the above!! I feel this is one of the most valuable lessons I have learnt as I have gotten older & it has made me so much calmer and happier. I see people who haven't had this realisation yet & who thrive on drama and I honestly don't think it is healthy!

I have a brother, who is just under 2 years younger than me and we did not get on AT ALL throughout our teenage and early adulthood. We resented each other enormously for many of the same/similar reasons you give in your OP. I am not by nature an argumentative or nasty person, but he could push my temper/tears/fury buttons like no one else. In the end we stayed out of each others way as much as humanly possible.

Then around Christmas 2007 both our circumstances changed and we BOTH ended up back home with Mum and Dad for the foreseeable in our late 20s. This was our idea of hell!

Suddenly we had to learn how to live together as adults.... he was still getting away with things that annoyed the hell out of me (like; paying no keep/never clearing up after himself or pulling his weight/causing arguments/taking EVERYONE for granted etc) but I decided I could let that eat me up and make MY life miserable or I could realise that it was absolutely nothing to do with me and enjoy the nice things about him, like his awesome sense of humour, our similar tastes in music and films, having someone to go to stand up gigs with & having someone, in a similar position, to laugh about disastrous internet dates with etc and guess what, we became FRIENDS!

If my parents were prepared to live with the lack of money, consideration and weight pulling, that was their decision... but letting it eat away at me was utterly pointless! I know it is easier said than done, but don't be a martyr (eg picking him up from places so you can have a good moan about how you are taken for granted, or complaining that the food you like isnt what is on the table when he is around)

He hasn't done anything very terrible... try not to alienate yourself for no good reason. Your brother isn't you.... and not all siblings act in exactly the same ways. He sounds like mine, a selfish git, and if he chooses not to be there for your parents or pull his weight and he can live with that, then instead of bubbling with resentment focus on YOUR actions as a fantastic daughter and ignore his shortcomings. Draw a line under it as a grown up and accept him for who he is and that you are different, it is the only way to stop driving yourself mad!!

rosered1963

Pink 68; "Dont let this come between your brother and you, love him and cherish him but accept he has different ideas about how to live his life. "

Spot on in my opinion.

Good luck OP. You are a grreat daughter with lovely parents. Love your brother as well without resentment- he sounds a bit like mine was. Life is unfair sometimes but it's also short so enjoy your lovely family x

AFiancee

Thanks everyone!

I have read all the replies and take all the points on board, and basically you are all saying I can't change him, so love him for who he is, my parents for who they are and to concentrate on being happy with my own life!

In relation to the wedding - yes, I have told my parents I want them with me that morning, they are insisting I go to the church from their house iinstead of my own!
They say they won't drive to pick up the Brother that morning, but then they will start feeling guilty and will end up agreeing to pick him up.
He will also probably book an early flight the next day, so they will probably ahev to leave the hotel before check out time, which I won't be happy about.
Might have to discuss this with the brother before hand and try and get him to book a flight that is late enough to alow them all to spend time with us the next day too.

Its the people you care about the most that can irritate you the most!

pink68

AFiancee wrote: »

Thanks everyone!

I have read all the replies and take all the points on board, and basically you are all saying I can't change him, so love him for who he is, my parents for who they are and to concentrate on being happy with my own life!

In relation to the wedding - yes, I have told my parents I want them with me that morning, they are insisting I go to the church from their house iinstead of my own!
They say they won't drive to pick up the Brother that morning, but then they will start feeling guilty and will end up agreeing to pick him up.
He will also probably book an early flight the next day, so they will probably ahev to leave the hotel before check out time, which I won't be happy about.
Might have to discuss this with the brother before hand and try and get him to book a flight that is late enough to alow them all to spend time with us the next day too.

Its the people you care about the most that can irritate you the most!

With regard to the flights I had something similar at my mothers funeral whereby a relation phoned a few days before and announced which train they were getting in and expecting to be picked up. it devestated me and I cried like a baby that someone could be so thoughtless towards me.

But my OH phoned my brother and said what can we do? and my brothers inlaws were charged with the responsibility of picking them up, and returning them to the station (and keeping them away from me the as much as possible!).

Can you arrange for a friend who is less involved to pick up your brother, it will reinforce to him how much you and your parents want to do the day together. Or offer to pay for a taxi for him? he might get the hint then and sort it out himself!

Mayflower10cat

AFiancee wrote: »

Thanks everyone!

I have read all the replies and take all the points on board, and basically you are all saying I can't change him, so love him for who he is, my parents for who they are and to concentrate on being happy with my own life!

Its the people you care about the most that can irritate you the most!

Much collective wisdom in that summing up! And who knows better how to 'push your buttons' than your own family - even if they're not doing it consciously. Having typed all your feelings out and really thought about your relationship with your brother - do you feel a little bit clearer/less burdened now? Stepping back from the situation, has it occurred to you that there might even be a little twinge of guilt within your brother because he knows he should spent more time with your parents, so when he does see them, he acts like an all important royal visitor whilst trying to cram five visits into one! And equally as I'm typing that last thought, my own sister in law in America pops into my head. She comes back to the UK maybe once every two or three years to visit her parents - she protests that she can't afford the flights which is why she comes so infrequently (inlaws have sent her a great deal of money over the years, so that's a lousy excuse). When she arrives, she literally takes over and expects to be waited on hand and foot, dictating where they go, what they eat & when and leaves them bemused and exhausted!