Advice on how to deal with my own resentment?

Ivrytwr3

Angelicdevil wrote: »

Are you my sister?!

I wish I could be around more for my parents but the 2hour drive after a week of work is the last thing on my mind at the weekend!!!!

2hrs drive and you can't be bothered? Some people commute that just for work!

I think you may regret some things in time to come when your parents aren't around any longer

newbutold

annie_d wrote: »

As my eldest child often says to me, "Ma, first born? i think so"

Ha ha! My eldest says, first born privledges!

bossymoo

My brother is a bit like that. Has no idea that the whole old doesn't have the same needs, wants, values, ambitions as him. To be different is wrong, lol.

He'll wake up one day. It's not my responsibility. He's nearly 40 and I have stuff of my wn to deal with.

Move on. He has.

X

rosered1963

My brother was like that in that he rarely came home as he had a very responsible job a long way away and a bonkers lifestyle. My parents worshipped him but then so did I. My father barely looked up from what he was reading when I came for one of my weekly visits, but he would be ecstatic when my brother came home, as it was so infrequent. That's quite understandable really, isn't it?

My brother died in an accident in 2004 and we were all devastated about it and would give anything to have him back. All I would say to you is move on. Be glad he comes back at all and be glad to see him - so what if he annoys you - he hardly ever comes home so just be happy to see him. No offence meant

londonsurrey

Stop trying to be the perfect daughter, doing everything "right" and waiting for praise. It obviously isn't happening, or leastways nowhere near enough for what you need.

As has been said in the comments above, seize your life, do your own thing, and find others who will admire and appreciate you.

And funnily enough, after the family has gotten over the shock of not having you so handily and quietly available, they might actually appreciate your now less frequent appearances between the times you're happily living that new life and enjoying your new friends.

The control of this situation can be yours.

Mrs.W_2

Op, from a slightly different persective, I can appreciate your feelings towards your brother.

My mother and I live (seperately) in the SE of england. I have two well behaved children aged 9 and 2. Ok, the youngest is as well behaved as a two year old can be.:D

My Mother has baby sat for us a total of twice in nine years. She did not want to baby sit for us after the youngest was born, because she felt that was too much for her. She's 65 but in very good health.

My sister lives in the North. Her two children are welcome in my Mother's house at a moment's notice. Sometimes that is quite literal. My sister will phone Mother as she is leaving the M25 for an otherwise unexpected visit. Her visits might last an undisclosed number of days. Mother will sit her kids while she goes out for catch up evenings with old friends every night they stay.

Sometimes my sister simply leaves her children with Mother for a week at a time, and expects Mother to drive up to a 'halfway point' for her to collect her children at a service station.

My sister was due to visit for the Olympic cycle races as she's keen on cycling and Mother's house is on the route. My eldest was initially told she could stay overnight to see the men's race with her cousins, and was really looking forward to seeing an Olympic event.

Last week Mother phoned to tell me my sister decided she wasn't going to visit for the races. And, yep, my eldest need not attend either.

Last year my OH counted the number of days our children saw my Mother, then the number of days my sister's children stayed at Mother's house. I don't remember the figures because I wasn't that interested.

I can appreciate that Mother takes every opportunity to be with my sister's children when she can because they live so far away.

We'll find another way to make sure our eldest sees some of that cycle race. And we'll be asking my sister when she can next come down country because my eldest would love to see her cousins again.

You can't measure family activity in terms of 'fair' vs 'not fair'.

My Mother decides what she can or cannot do. I love my sister dearly, and would not begrudge her any time Mother allows her to go out and enjoy some time with old friends.

I know there is a disparity there, but as long as I'm able to keep my children from recognising it, we're good.

*max*

Ivrytwr3 wrote: »

2hrs drive and you can't be bothered? Some people commute that just for work!

I think you may regret some things in time to come when your parents aren't around any longer

Way to pile on the emotional weight on someone's shoulders. Lovely.

Ivrytwr3

*max* wrote: »

Way to pile on the emotional weight on someone's shoulders. Lovely.

I just think there are more important things in life ie visiting aging parents, than been stuck in the rat race. We usually only realise these things when it's too late.

Mojisola

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

You can only be treated like the darling, dutiful, caring and obedient daughter because you let it happen. Your brother is treated a special when he comes over because he's not there all the time.

Be absent. Don't take on all of the responsibility for making everyone else happy at your own expense. Be away more and see your LDR partner more often, then they will stop thinking that they can rely on you. As long as you fill the gap that your brother leaves no-one will notice that you're filling it.

I think B&T has it in a nutshell. Rather than try to make yourself not resent your brother, just concentrate on your life - move the emphasis away from the family and into your OH, job and life in general. When your brother is reduced to being a small part of your adult life, what he does won't annoy you half as much.

I know you want to see him but, for a couple of visits, don't be available. If you could arrange to go to see him on your own, it will be on more neutral territory away from the trigger point of the family home and you may see him in new light. It will also for be different for your parents seeing him without you around. They may still do the prodigal son thing but you won't be there to be annoyed by it!

It's very difficult to describe how and why someone is really upsetting you - it's like bullying, each incidence can seem trivial and other people may be surprised that you can't ignore the triviality but the "total is greater than the sum of the parts" and the total can be over-whelming.

This bit - "I went to pick the brother up after work at the airport, and drove him home, and mum had made a nice dinner for him which i couldn't eat (medical reasons), and I drove back to Belfast without having anything to eat" makes me think that you probably do fade into the background when he is around.

I wouldn't let any of my children go hungry like that but then neither would I have stayed hungry! What stopped you saying "You know I can't eat this, Mum, what have you made for me/I'll get myself something from the kitchen/I'll just order a take-away"?

Distance yourself for a while, take back control and let your brother shrink in importance in your life.

AFiancee

Angelicdevil wrote: »

Look at it as a positive, that you get to spend all that time with them and help them out where required - I wish I could be around more for my parents but the 2hour drive after a week of work is the last thing on my mind at the weekend!!!!

My drive to get home from Belfast was about an hour and a half - so its not as if i actually lived beside them either until very recently, but I made an effort and came home for special occassions, most weekends etc.

Thank you to everyone else for the advice, and I know jealousy is not a good look, and thats why i want to move on and get past it.

For whoever said that he is probably there for the important times he isn't - my parents lost their house and were devastated and I told my brother that he should come home and see them to stay as it would help them see the new house more as home, but it was 6 months before he came home.

My dads only brother who he was close to died, and yes the brother did come home, but he came home the morning of the funeral and went back the evening of it, as his friends were going out that night.

I'm getting married in a few months, and supposedly he is coming home the morning of the wedding, and will expect my parents to pick him up probably - thats a 3 hour drive, when one of my parents won't be with me on the morning of my wedding.

For those that said I need to stop playing the dutiful daughter, I don't think is good advice, my parents won't be around forever and I want to make them happy, just becasue my brother doesn't want to play the dutiful son, doesn't mean I shouldn't continue being a good daughter.

As for the dinner thing - I probably did have a bowl of cornflakes or something, so didn't actually go hungry - I don't really rememember - but I just rememeber feeling upset by it, and i did say to my mum about it, and she was very apologetic about it, and probably did offer to make me something else, but never thought about me in the first place,

My parents do see my brother when I'm not around, as I'm at work during the day, whereas my mum takes the time he is at home off work, so she can see him.

Mojisola - I think you are right - its the total being greater than the sum of the parts, the individual things seem minor, but they build up.

I have been to visit him in England, both with my parents and without them, but he is still the same, and doesn't put himself out at all to make sure they are ok, he still goes to the pub after work on a Friday and basically doesn't let the fact they are there influence his life at all.

On one of his recent visits, he stayed with me, instead of my parents, and we did get on a lot better, we went out for a drink to my local pub and it was quite good and I actually enjoyed his visit a lot more than normal.

Thanks again for the advice everyone and I am really going to try and move on with my life, I think it is seeing that my parents are getting older, and that if they ever need help or whatever it is all going to fall on me and me alone to do it.

My parents are really wonderful people and would do anything to help me and my brother out, my mum has been a brilliant help with organising my wedding, and they have both helped me my house, they drove to Belfast at 3am one morning to be with me as my house had got broken into.

I don't think it would be good to distance myself from them just because my brother does, I don't think its wrong that my parents are (other than my OH) the most important people in my life.


Years ago, I got a weekend job in Belfast and wasn't home as often, and I did notice how much better I was treated differently when I did come home then.