Advice on how to deal with my own resentment?

AFiancee

This i probably going to be a long post - but please stay with me.
Basically I resent my brother, and i don't want to. (PS - I'm 29 not a child - so I don't want to be childish anymore, I say every year I'm not going to let him annoy me when he is home but i still do - and I don't like myself for it)

Background
Brother was always much more clever than me, and went to university when I was 16 (University in England and we lived in Ireland) so I only really saw him during holidays.
He stayed in England after University, and I moved out of home and went to a much more local University, and stayed in my university town for 10 years coming home most weekends.

He comes home maybe twice a year - for a week or so during the summer and at Christmas - which I don't really think is enough, and I don't see why he can't come home more often, the flights are not expensive and my mum and dad love to see him come home. His excuse is he works and can't get Fridays off to come home for the weekend, however he quits work at half 3, and there is eveing flights home, in fact I have gone over to visit him after work on a Friday evening and I work to 5.30!

Now what annoys me is that he still has the power to wind me up, he just takes over when he is home. we always have to watch what he wants on TV, he expects me to be his taxi service and generally just expects everything to fit around him when he is home. He doesn't consider if the dates he is coming home suit us (I am in a long distance relationship and have plans for most weekends, some that can't be easily changed) and I do actually like to see him when he is home.

My parents also make a fuss about him coming home and make a lot of effort to tidy up for him, make his favourite dinners etc. (The dinner one annoys me - I went to pick the brother up after work at the airport, and drove him home, and mum had made a nice dinner for him which i couldn't eat (medical reasons), and I drove back to Belfast without having anything to eat (I know it sounds childish, but i feel as if everyone forgets about me when he is home!)

He also tends to tell me what I should and shouldn't do with my life and how i should be better to mum and dad (I used to go go home every weekend, and would make them dinner, take them out for tea, and when relatives were sick etc, I would be the one helping out, whereas he doens't even remember to phone on their birthdays or mothers day or fathers day etc).
I resent that fact that I always the one that has to be home for birthdays etc, and I have to buy presents etc, whereas a phone call from him is suffice to please my parents (and i usually remind him to phone!). I sometimes want the freedom to not be at home for every family occasion like he can be.
I love my parents, and enjoy spending time with them, and I love doing things to please them, it is simply the fact that my brother doesnlt have to do the things I have to do that annoys me.

This could turn into more of a rant over childish things, but I think I will stop now.

Can anyone give any advice on how I should deal with this? How can I get over my feelings of resentment, and stop myself thinking I am second best all the time.

Thanks for reading

ognum

Gosh sibling rivalry is always difficult, poor you and poor brother, you say he doesn't come home enough and then when he is home it's difficult and you feel you become a lesser person.

I think it's time for you to live your life, move on from feeling inferior. If his visits don't fit in with your plans then carry on with your own plans, let him find his way.

Don't let this relationship make you feel a lesser person all you are doing is wasting what could be good adult relationship.

Explain to your parents how disappointed you are not to be able to eat with them, don't fill the gaps for your brother and explain to him you are not going too. Have you considered going out for a drink with him and talking this through. Some people are just not that aware unless you talk about it.

Time to be adult I think, don't get upset just talk about it.

Angelicdevil

Are you my sister?!

I live away from home but my (much) younger brother and (not so much younger) sister live at home still.

My sister *hates* my brother and I.

She got treated exactly the same way as us, in fact she's probably had more financial support over the years than either of us and yet she still feels hard done by.

It creates the worst atmosphere in the house and it all boils down to this resentment she has of us that we have no idea where it's come from.

I don't bother to go and visit my parents if she's there because I know I'll get a mouthful from her for some random cr*p or be completely ignored for absolutely no reason at all.

I have no idea how you can change if you aren't able to grow up and just accept things the way they are.

I know that's not helpful but jealousy is not a good look!

You have to understand that your brother has a life away from the family and whilst this isn't what you've chosen, he has. I'm sure he'll be around for the things that really matter but you really can't begrudge him for being independant.

You can try talking to him but I don't think that will change anything, you need to change the way you view your life and the little things you do for your parents that he doesn't.

Look at it as a positive, that you get to spend all that time with them and help them out where required - I wish I could be around more for my parents but the 2hour drive after a week of work is the last thing on my mind at the weekend!!!!

BitterAndTwisted

AFiancee wrote: »

Brother was always much more clever than me, and went to university when I was 16 (University in England and we lived in Ireland) so I only really saw him during holidays. He stayed in England after University, and I moved out of home and went to a much more local University, and stayed in my university town for 10 years coming home most weekends.

It sounds like you became quite emotionally detached from him and now see him as some sort of interloper. Is that really fair on him?

He comes home maybe twice a year - for a week or so during the summer and at Christmas - which I don't really think is enough, and I don't see why he can't come home more often, the flights are not expensive and my mum and dad love to see him come home. His excuse is he works and can't get Fridays off to come home for the weekend, however he quits work at half 3, and there is evening flights home, in fact I have gone over to visit him after work on a Friday evening and I work to 5.30!

He can use any reasons or excuses that he likes. None of it is any of your business. If your parents have a problem with that it's up to them to voice it.

Now what annoys me is that he still has the power to wind me up,

Because you let him. Is he aware that he's dong this? have you told him how you feel rather than festering?

he just takes over when he is home.

We always have to watch what he wants on TV,

Who is this "we" and whose telly is it?

he expects me to be his taxi service

That's easy to fix: you're busy and can't

and generally just expects everything to fit around him when he is home.

He's the prodigal son! Because he rarely visits.

He doesn't consider if the dates he is coming home suit us (I am in a long distance relationship and have plans for most weekends, some that can't be easily changed) and I do actually like to see him when he is home.

My parents also make a fuss about him coming home and make a lot of effort to tidy up for him, make his favourite dinners etc. (The dinner one annoys me - I went to pick the brother up after work at the airport, and drove him home, and mum had made a nice dinner for him which i couldn't eat (medical reasons), and I drove back to Belfast without having anything to eat (I know it sounds childish, but i feel as if everyone forgets about me when he is home!)

For eff's sake: you're in your parents' home. If you can't ask to be fed something else, or make it yourself you're just looking for reasons to be resentful.

He also tends to tell me what I should and shouldn't do with my life

Tell him to mind his own business

and how i should be better to mum and dad (I used to go go home every weekend, and would make them dinner, take them out for tea, and when relatives were sick etc, I would be the one helping out, whereas he doesn't even remember to phone on their birthdays or mothers day or fathers day etc).
I resent that fact that I always the one that has to be home for birthdays etc, and I have to buy presents etc, whereas a phone call from him is suffice to please my parents (and i usually remind him to phone!). I sometimes want the freedom to not be at home for every family occasion like he can be.

You can but you have to grasp that freedom for yourself because no-one is going to give it to you. Most especially after playing the "dutiful daughter" role for so long.
I love my parents, and enjoy spending time with them, and I love doing things to please them, it is simply the fact that my brother doesn't have to do the things I have to do that annoys me.

You don't HAVE TO. No-one has imposed anything on you, you have accepted that role for yourself

This could turn into more of a rant over childish things, but I think I will stop now.

Actually, I know that sounds unhelpful but to me the whole thing does sound like a childish rant.

Can anyone give any advice on how I should deal with this? How can I get over my feelings of resentment, and stop myself thinking I am second best all the time.

You can only be treated like the darling, dutiful, caring and obedient daughter because you let it happen. Your brother is treated a special when he comes over because he's not there all the time.

Be absent. Don't take on all of the responsibility for making everyone else happy at your own expense. Be away more and see your LDR partner more often, then they will stop thinking that they can rely on you. As long as you fill the gap that your brother leaves no-one will notice that you're filling it.

If you can't learn to get shot of the burning resentment and feelings of self-imposed martyrdom by yourself, then a chat with a counsellor might help you.

Nicki

My perspective, which may or may not help

I grew up in Ireland and all my family still live there. I came over to England when I was 18, loved the way of life, liked being away from Irish politics, met and married an Englishman and have been here for 25 years now. Have only ever gone home once or twice a year to visit.

I didn't go home to visit more often because my life, friends and social life were in England not Ireland. By the time I finished university I didn't have any friends I was still in touch with in Ireland but had a good social circle in England. So why would I want to spend £200+ to go back after work on a Friday and home again on Sunday evening to sit in and watch TV with my parents who actually have their own social lives too and don't necessarily want to have that curtailed by having to entertain me.

When I go home, lack of aforementioned friends mean that all I do is catch up with my family and either read or watch TV. Sorry, but what else is there to do? Car hire is expensive in both north and south, so before we had the kids, one of the family would pick us up from the airport and give us lifts to where we needed to go while we were there, as otherwise a weekend visit would cost nearer to £400 than £200 which is just crazy.

I accept that my brother and sister have more hands on caring responsibilities with my parents than I do. That is counterbalanced though by the fact that they get more support from them than I do. My mum looked after my brothers child from he was a baby until he started school. Mum and Dad have helped both my brother and sister with DIY and gardening in their homes. They have never done either for me or my family because there is no opportunity for that to happen.

My brother and sister are often not around when I go home on a visit or barely around as they have their own lives too. That's OK. I don't expect their worlds to stop when I come over though it is nice to see them if I can. Dates aren't all that flexible. I have to balance my parens availability against time my husband can spare from work, kids school holidays and astronomical plane fares. Now there are 5 of us, a weekend trip home will always cost over £1000 but I try not to let it cost £2000 as it could depending on dates and times of flights.

Gigglepig

If your brother is only visiting twice a year, and gets the limelight then, is that really that bad considering you might have more of the parents' attention the rest of the time?

Do and your parents make an effort to go and visit your brother abroad? Then you would be the guest and he may cook for you and taxi you around (or, if it is too hard work, at least appreciate it more next time he visits)

Lara44

Hello Afiancee

At the end of the day your parents love all their children regardless of how much they are around. I am sure it must be annoying that your bro hogs the limelight on his visits, but as you've said yourself it's because they are relatively rare.

What you have is actually a much more close and involved relationship with your parents. That's really worth something. It's you who will know all those everyday details of their lives, and are around to share them. It's not always glamorous but in the fullness of time you will have 'known' your parents in a different, deeper way. And hopefully, vice versa too.

To feel better, you can stop being so nice to your brother as the other posters have indicated. Make some boundaries and stick to them perhaps - like not changing your plans if he books a trip at short notice, (and especially) make him realise it's not acceptable to tell you how to run your life. But also balance this with the knowledge that life is short. In my view it's good to be generous for the sake of it about things like lifts (even if others are not necessarily very grateful).

annie_d

As my eldest child often says to me, "Ma, first born? i think so"

Errata

It's the Crown Prince syndrome. Start seeing the funny side of it and your life will be very mucb easier.

cutestkids

I think you should get on with your life and stop behaving like a child.

Sorry if that seems harsh but you sound like my kids who are 6 and 10 squabbling about everything and nothing,

Yorkie1

My brother lives abroad and is appalling at remembering things like Mother's Day and, sometimes, birthdays.

I've stopped contacting him to remind him, and left him to cope on his own in that regard, at least.

As others have said, if he makes last minute plans then don't feel the need to change yours. You need to make some clear statements (even if they are by actions rather than words) about your own independent life so that you are seen as such.