fed up of feeling like a one man band.

bexiboo92

Everyone's policy on here is honesty. I tried that. With the boyfriend. And got a massive slap in the face with a cold wet fish. There we were discussing the debt and within the first sentence his face was filled with horror and disgust. That wasnt even the worst debt we were taking about. We have at least £100 left over each month over bills and his response? "After buying this, this and that, its not. a lot" AHHHH! no "oh we could do it this way". May as well be !!!!!!! single!!

amyloofoo

*hugs* I know it's hard to feel as though you're managing it alone, but maybe he hasn't appreciated the seriousness and level of stress that the debt is causing you? Give him a little while to cool off then try again, maybe it would help to get all the paperwork out and look over it together? If you try to stay calm and patient then hopefully he will respond in kind and get a little more motivated to deal with the situation.

I'm presuming of course that his lack of support is a one-off rather than being indicative of other problems in the relationship? If this is his normal response then maybe you really would be better off single

bexiboo92

amyloofoo wrote: »

*hugs* I know it's hard to feel as though you're managing it alone, but maybe he hasn't appreciated the seriousness and level of stress that the debt is causing you? Give him a little while to cool off then try again, maybe it would help to get all the paperwork out and look over it together? If you try to stay calm and patient then hopefully he will respond in kind and get a little more motivated to deal with the situation.

I'm presuming of course that his lack of support is a one-off rather than being indicative of other problems in the relationship? If this is his normal response then maybe you really would be better off single

Nope, this is a every day every thing sort of response this is a "we're in debt, but i'll still spend money on stuff that i won't die if i don't have" attitude.

Completely fed up. Don't feel like sharing everything with him, i already handle the bills and sort other stuff out, might as well do this too.

mildredalien

Eh he sounds a bit useless tbh! Is it shared debt or yours alone? Are you financially linked? Maybe if you take control of all the money and start giving him 'pocket money' he might feel shamed enough to act like an adult and take responsibility!!

bexiboo92

mildredalien wrote: »

Eh he sounds a bit useless tbh! Is it shared debt or yours alone? Are you financially linked? Maybe if you take control of all the money and start giving him 'pocket money' he might feel shamed enough to act like an adult and take responsibility!!

Majority of it is mine, but it was to keep us eating and paying rent.

Financially linked in the sense that both of our names are on most bills as we live together.

Don't get a chance to unfortunately! He gets £100 a week cash and then a cheque at the end of the month, he gets his hand on it before me!

mildredalien

Ah yes I've been there, built up about £9k debt through trying to support me and ex-boyfriend (lovingly known as The Lazy Slacker) when I was earning a pittance and he was unemployed and drowning in debt himself so couldn't pay much except the rent. Oh so many regrets, but live and learn I suppose!

It sounds like he needs to hear some hard truths about money e.g. you can't spend what you don't have. Unfortunately it's really hard to get anyone to their LBM by force, all you can do (if the benefits of your relationship outweigh the frustrations :P) is point him in the direction of MSE, talk to him about your budget/SOA and possibly just refuse to pay for anything for him apart from essentials you buy yourself until he eventually runs out of money and learns the hard way.

Could you talk to him about getting wages paid differently if that would help?

bexiboo92

mildredalien wrote: »

Ah yes I've been there, built up about £9k debt through trying to support me and ex-boyfriend (lovingly known as The Lazy Slacker) when I was earning a pittance and he was unemployed and drowning in debt himself so couldn't pay much except the rent. Oh so many regrets, but live and learn I suppose!

It sounds like he needs to hear some hard truths about money e.g. you can't spend what you don't have. Unfortunately it's really hard to get anyone to their LBM by force, all you can do (if the benefits of your relationship outweigh the frustrations :P) is point him in the direction of MSE, talk to him about your budget/SOA and possibly just refuse to pay for anything for him apart from essentials you buy yourself until he eventually runs out of money and learns the hard way.

Could you talk to him about getting wages paid differently if that would help?

Mm. It sounds harsh but I just don't have the energy
I'm 20 in about £3000 worth of debt, I don't go out because I'm trying to fight this debt and pay for a flat let alone feeling like I'm babysitting in this relationship

savingmummy

Firstly your not alone!! SO don`t feel you are the only one with this battle.

Alot of people don`t seem to care too much and can happily continue how they are struggling instead of hitting their lightbulb moment and acting to put things right!
I have an uncle of 65 who lives a luxury life in debt and still is using debt to survive in his luxury bubble and his the happiest man alive - how i dont know i couldnt sleep at night!!

I know it is hard when this situation is like this (had a DH not interested at all check out my siggy) but you must sit down together NO tv on or any interuptions and start from scratch.
Do a SOA and print it out and go through it with him,he may realise then that it needs sorting out!! Sometimes seeing things in black and white makes an impact.

amyloofoo

mildredalien wrote: »

Ah yes I've been there, built up about £9k debt through trying to support me and ex-boyfriend (lovingly known as The Lazy Slacker) when I was earning a pittance and he was unemployed and drowning in debt himself so couldn't pay much except the rent. Oh so many regrets, but live and learn I suppose!

It sounds like he needs to hear some hard truths about money e.g. you can't spend what you don't have. Unfortunately it's really hard to get anyone to their LBM by force, all you can do (if the benefits of your relationship outweigh the frustrations :P) is point him in the direction of MSE, talk to him about your budget/SOA and possibly just refuse to pay for anything for him apart from essentials you buy yourself until he eventually runs out of money and learns the hard way.

Could you talk to him about getting wages paid differently if that would help?

Snap! My ex also seemed to think that the groceries delivered themselves to the fridge (free of charge of course) and that our utility bills were paid by fairies; so everything he received from his (usually cash in hand) jobs was for his sole entertainment. He actually seemed shocked when I suggested he should be paying towards water bills, etc :rotfl:

Really unless you're prepared to make the "stop being so immature and selfish or I'm leaving" ultimatum (and mean it!) then there's very little that can be done. Possibly refusing to buy any groceries, etc until he realises that these things don't happen by chance may help; but it's possible he'll just go out and get a takeaway / shop for himself but not for you :mad:

What I can say for sure is that if you do nothing, it will only get worse.

savingmummy

bexiboo92 wrote: »

Mm. It sounds harsh but I just don't have the energy
I'm 20 in about £3000 worth of debt, I don't go out because I'm trying to fight this debt and pay for a flat let alone feeling like I'm babysitting in this relationship

I have to say it sounds like you`ve had enough.
Make sure he knows this is the last straw, if his not willing to make your life easier debtfree then he will continue to live a life struggling with a tail of debt behind him.

bexiboo92

amyloofoo wrote: »

Snap! My ex also seemed to think that the groceries delivered themselves to the fridge (free of charge of course) and that our utility bills were paid by fairies; so everything he received from his (usually cash in hand) jobs was for his sole entertainment. He actually seemed shocked when I suggested he should be paying towards water bills, etc :rotfl:

Really unless you're prepared to make the "stop being so immature and selfish or I'm leaving" ultimatum (and mean it!) then there's very little that can be done. Possibly refusing to buy any groceries, etc until he realises that these things don't happen by chance may help; but it's possible he'll just go out and get a takeaway / shop for himself but not for you :mad:

What I can say for sure is that if you do nothing, it will only get worse.

He'll pay for stuff but nothing is ever his responsibility if you see what I mean. A fairy magically makes the phone call every month to pay the council tax, phones the bank to check the direct debts for bills have gone out ok, checks to see there's enough money in the account to cover the bills, a fairy magically kept us going for 3-4months despite the claims that we never had any money...

He doesn't see this debt as his; he'll have a hump over it once in a while, but he's not receiving the constant calls, texts, emails, even calls at work

I just want to pay it off for my sake and nothing else anymore.