In a pickle! Can you help?

heretolearn_2

hi

It's hard being a mum to teenagers and it's just as hard being a step mum, especially when it's all new. I know you were trying to keep everyone happy and it went a bit wrong.

I do think you were wrong to confirm it to her father, though, and you should have respected her confidence and 'girl talk'. Of course, there are some things you should tell her father and you need to be clear to the girl on that. Don't promise not to tell, as you have no idea what she is going to tell you. If it is something that effects her health/safety then her father needs to know. Best in those cases to encourage her to tell him herself, with your support if she wants it, or to offer to tell him for her, or if she refuses you'd have to just tell him for her own sake.

but I don't think this is the case here? You don't say what it was about this boy. I'm guessing it wasn't anything her father really needed to know as you didn't tell him. If she were in danger you wouldn't have waited for him to raise it. So he was probing for info on his daughters private life on something she did not want to discuss with him, and you dished the dirt (to put it crudely) once he guessed. You could have said you didn't know, or asked him to speak to her about it. Or changed the subject.

Growing up and making sense of boys and emotions is hard and it's lovely that she wants to talk to you about it. There's no way on earth she wants to talk about this sort of stuff with her dad or have him knowing details. I don't know what it was, as I said, but it couldn't have been THAT serious. I'd have been mortified at that age to think my dad knew who i fancied, who i'd kissed, who'd asked me out, and yes, who I'd slept with, if that was it. Really that stuff is TMI as far as dad's go. If she wants relationship advice from you or just a girly gossip, fantastic. But dad's don't get to be part of that. It's a bit like one of your grown girl friends telling you something private - would you tell OH?

So you need to talk to her. Confirm to her that you can't ever promise not to tell if you think her father really has to know for her wellbeing. But apologise for blabbing in this case, explain this is all new to you, and say you hope that you'll still be able to talk in future.

HeadAboveWater

heretolearn wrote: »

I do think you were wrong to confirm it to her father, though, and you should have respected her confidence and 'girl talk'. Of course, there are some things you should tell her father and you need to be clear to the girl on that. Don't promise not to tell, as you have no idea what she is going to tell you. If it is something that effects her health/safety then her father needs to know. Best in those cases to encourage her to tell him herself, with your support if she wants it, or to offer to tell him for her, or if she refuses you'd have to just tell him for her own sake.

but I don't think this is the case here? You don't say what it was about this boy. I'm guessing it wasn't anything her father really needed to know as you didn't tell him. If she were in danger you wouldn't have waited for him to raise it. So he was probing for info on his daughters private life on something she did not want to discuss with him, and you dished the dirt (to put it crudely) once he guessed. You could have said you didn't know, or asked him to speak to her about it. Or changed the subject.

Growing up and making sense of boys and emotions is hard and it's lovely that she wants to talk to you about it. There's no way on earth she wants to talk about this sort of stuff with her dad or have him knowing details. I don't know what it was, as I said, but it couldn't have been THAT serious. I'd have been mortified at that age to think my dad knew who i fancied, who i'd kissed, who'd asked me out, and yes, who I'd slept with, if that was it. Really that stuff is TMI as far as dad's go. If she wants relationship advice from you or just a girly gossip, fantastic. But dad's don't get to be part of that. It's a bit like one of your grown girl friends telling you something private - would you tell OH?

So you need to talk to her. Confirm to her that you can't ever promise not to tell if you think her father really has to know for her wellbeing. But apologise for blabbing in this case, explain this is all new to you, and say you hope that you'll still be able to talk in future.

Thanks for that I do agree totally with the 'girlie' chat thing, and dad is only there on a 'need-to-know' basis!


I did apologise to her last night. Blubbed my way through it actually but she was really good about it. Water under the bridge, forgiven and forgotten. That was really adult of her and I am proud of her. I think things are gonna be ok

Her dad spoke to her too, just to remind her that she can talk to him about stuff too. But yeah, girlie chats aren't always for daddy's ears!!

I spoke to my OH. Basically said we need to work out my 'role' in the house. Be it big sister, stepmum, auntie, friend, whatever, we all need to be clear about where I stand with them, so there are no false expectations if that makes sense. The girls will be reminded that they can come to either of us if they want to chat, but I can't promise to keep things a secret from their dad. It all depends on the circumstances. But if he should know, I'll offer to go with the girls to speak to him, or tell him on their behalf. I have to respect them the same as they should respect me, and build on their trust.

Thank you again everyone for your replies. Given me a heck of a lot to think about xx

HeadAboveWater

Hey guys

Just wanted to add on a wee quick update. Was saying goodnight to her last night and noticed she looked a bit upset. Went in, gave her a hug, and we chatted for ages. Basically she'll still upset about the guy (sometimes... and other times she just wants to bust his face in!!)

I know it was nothing really personal as such that she was telling me, but I felt it was a step forward again for us, and that she's not holding what happened against me. Just the fact that she shared her feelings with me I thought was positive

Still a long way to go I think but walk before you can run

NAR

So glad to hear that she wants to confide in you and that she has "forgiven" you. :T