In a pickle! Can you help?

HeadAboveWater

Long story short:
I moved in with my partner and his daughters last year. All hunkey-dorey

Recently, something happened the oldest daughter (16yo) and she confided in me, but she said she didn't want her dad to know. Fair enough. But when he asked me about what had happened, I confirmed his suspicions. He's spoken to her about it since, so as far as she's concerned, I've told on her

Caught between a rock and a hard place here. What's right? What's wrong? I know I should never betray a confidence, but I can't lie to my partner (nor withhold information) She's his daughter - doesn't he have a right to know what's going on? I know I should've asked her if I could tell him at least.

As far as I was aware, things were ok in the house for the last week, but her aunt told me today she's hurt that I've told her dad That's totally understandable. I was only confirming suspicions so didn't think I was stepping outta line.

I don't know now whether to let it go and act as normal, or should I sit down with his daughter and talk to her? In all honesty I just want to cry! I'm really trying with his daughters and would hate the thought of me causing any upset between them. I just want to be a part of the family, not push anyone away. This is a huge responsibility for me taking on someone else's kids, and it's a big learning experience. I really want to do the best I can but it's so, so tough. I'm new to all this...

Help!

KiKi

I would sit down with her and tell her exactly what you've said here. Don't try and act normal - talk to her and be that role model of how important communication is when things go wrong.

You felt really caught. You didn't tell him - but he guessed, and when he asked you, you couldn't lie. You feel bad, and you want things to work. You don't want to make things difficult, and you want to make your relationship with her work. Tell her you're learning as well. Apologise that she's upset and make sure she knows it wasn't your intention to hurt her, nor that you went running to her dad (because in her teenage dramatised mind, that's probably what she thinks).

You may need to come to some agreement with your OH separately: are you happy for her to tell you things which he doesn't get to hear about? Are you really acting as a 'mum' (who may not tell dad!), or are you a step-mum, seeing her as your OH's daughter (in which case confidentiality may be impossible), where OH feel he MUST know things that you know?

One thing I would say: never, ever, promise a teenager that what they tell you is in confidence. It can't be. If they need help (pregnancy etc), you can't keep it quiet. The best you can ever promise - even as a parent - is to keep it confidential unless you judge that someone else needs to know.

It sounds like she's a nice girl and that you're all trying to make things work, so at 16 you can be honest with her, and tell her how you're feeling. Ask her to tell you how she feels, as well. But you may need to set some boundaries of what 'confidentiality' really means in a family for the future - so do that with your OH as well (don't put that on her shoulders).

And if you cry in front of her, so be it. She'll recognise it's not easy for you, either.

HTH - don't beat yourself up.
KiKi

downsizer3

You need to talk to her. You're the adult and it was you who told - rightly or wrongly - I'd sit her down, apologise and explain how it came about.
Don't leave it.
It is awkward dealing with someone else's kids but its best to be straightforward and honest.

dizsiebubba

Depends what it was but I think you should always let her parents know if it is anything to do with her health, safety, education etc.

HeadAboveWater

Thank you both for your replies. Given me the encouragement I need to go talk to her. I think I knew that was what I needed to do. I just needed to hear it from someone else.

I think my problem is that the relationship between father/daughter... well... let's just say it could be better. It's been like that for years apparently, on and off (yet sometimes they're the best of friends too - you know how it is!) My worry is that by telling him what's happened I've made things a whole lot worse between them

HeadAboveWater

dizsiebubba wrote: »

Depends what it was but I think you should always let her parents know if it is anything to do with her health, safety, education etc.

boys - that comes under the 'health' and 'safety' category....!

peachyprice

You can't just leave it, you need to expalin to her exactly what happened. If you don't talk to her she will carry on thinking you ran straight to her dad and told.

You need to explain to her that, while you promised her you wouldn't tell, once her dad had guessed it would have been equally wrong for you to outright lie to him. You really were stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I hope your relationship can be mended, you sound like a lovely step-mum, hang on in there.

pink68

I agree with the others, talk to her.

Explain how hard it is being a stepmum and how you want to do right by everyone and that you didnt actually tell, her dad guessed and you couldnt deny it.

She'll appreciate it if you take the time to perhaps go talk about it over a grown up coffee or similar.

Nothing my teenager wont talk about if a strawberry Mcdlds milkshake is on offer!

HeadAboveWater

Aw thank you! I dunno about the 'stepmum' bit just yet. I'm happy to settle for 'big sister'! lol

The girls (and my partner) have had it really tough. Their mum is still about but she's an alcoholic, and only allowed supervised contact with them. They're forever being let down and hurt by her.

I've spoken to girls a number of times, always to say I'm not there to take their mothers place. They already have one. They know they can come to me at any time, and I'm so glad they have. It's a big compliment that they've accepted me and trust me. I just hope that this hasn't broken that trust...

JustinCredibleGillespie

kathy_virginvie wrote: »

Aw thank you! I dunno about the 'stepmum' bit just yet. I'm happy to settle for 'big sister'! lol

The girls (and my partner) have had it really tough. Their mum is still about but she's an alcoholic, and only allowed supervised contact with them. They're forever being let down and hurt by her.

I've spoken to girls a number of times, always to say I'm not there to take their mothers place. They already have one. They know they can come to me at any time, and I'm so glad they have. It's a big compliment that they've accepted me and trust me. I just hope that this hasn't broken that trust...

Give it time. I certainly think she will forgive you once you explain it from your POV, you didnt want to lie to your partner & he'd already 'guessed' what the problem was.

As others have said. Dont beat yourself up

JCG

xx

KiKi

Hi OP

Given your subsequent posts, I think you really, really need to make a decision with your OH about your role at this point in time (it may change).

If the girls are used to being let down by their mum, they may need a 'big sister' who they can confide in, trust etc - which means you need agreement from their dad that you can play that role without telling him everything. But that relies on your OH being happy with that, and understanding that sometimes you won't tell him stuff, and it needs him to trust you if it's a big thing which needs dealing with.

OR, if their relationship with dad isn't great - and relationship with mum is almost non-existent - then it sounds to me like they may need more of a mum than a big sister. Not to take their mother's place, but be a 'mum' as a parental unit with dad, rather than a best friend where dad might feel a bit excluded.

You will find it almost impossible to be both - it's probably better that you establish your role with your OH and make it clear to the girls what this means for them.

Your step-daughter probably felt - from you saying that you're not replacing mum - that you are big sister, in which case, big sis wouldn't tell dad.

Hope that gives some food for thought.
KiKi