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In a pickle! Can you help?
Comments
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Given your subsequent posts, I think you really, really need to make a decision with your OH about your role at this point in time (it may change).
Good point. Did do that before but I guess that was because it was more 'petty' stuff rather than the 'big' stuff. I've told him I never want to say 'they're your kids - you deal with them'. I want to be there for him and for them, and hopefully make life a little bit easier for them all.If the girls are used to being let down by their mum, they may need a 'big sister' who they can confide in, trust etc - which means you need agreement from their dad that you can play that role without telling him everything. But that relies on your OH being happy with that, and understanding that sometimes you won't tell him stuff, and it needs him to trust you if it's a big thing which needs dealing with.
OR, if their relationship with dad isn't great - and relationship with mum is almost non-existent - then it sounds to me like they may need more of a mum than a big sister. Not to take their mother's place, but be a 'mum' as a parental unit with dad, rather than a best friend where dad might feel a bit excluded.
You will find it almost impossible to be both - it's probably better that you establish your role with your OH and make it clear to the girls what this means for them.
That makes a lot of sense. At least then the girls will know exactly where they stand with me, and can decide if and when they want to confide in me. My partner has played 'dad-and-mum' for quite a while, but I'd imagine having an adult female figure about is a good addition for them:)Your step-daughter probably felt - from you saying that you're not replacing mum - that you are big sister, in which case, big sis wouldn't tell dad.
Oops...
Hope that gives some food for thought.
LOTS! Thank you again x Wealth is what you're left with when all your money runs out0 -
kathy, at start of your chat apologise for not talking to her about this sooner. The fact that the aunt has been told means daughter feels, in her mind, you have betrayed her trust. Put yourself in her shoes; does what you have done not seem wrong to you? But the truthful explanation reveals you felt you had no choice; that is why your chat should have taken place long ago and the situation not allowed to fester.0
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kathy_virginvie wrote: »Oops...
No, no - not oops! That wasn't a criticism of what you've said to them. Simply that teenagers take things so literally, and will have their own view of your role. You're right to not take the place of their mum - you could never do that. But sounds like they might need a female parent, especially if dad isn't always very good at being dad!
They probably took you literally and made up their own minds about what that meant for them!
Sounds like you're doing a fab job to me.
KiKi' <-- See that? It's called an apostrophe. It does not mean "hey, look out, here comes an S".0 -
kathy, at start of your chat apologise for not talking to her about this sooner. The fact that the aunt has been told means daughter feels, in her mind, you have betrayed her trust. Put yourself in her shoes; does what you have done not seem wrong to you? But the truthful explanation reveals you felt you had no choice; that is why your chat should have taken place long ago and the situation not allowed to fester.
It's only been a week. She doesn't sound like she's 'allowed' it to fester - she genuinely believed things were okay until the aunt said something *today*, so she's taking action on it immediately now she realises there may be a problem.
Anyone taking on teenage girls has my absolute respect!
KiKi' <-- See that? It's called an apostrophe. It does not mean "hey, look out, here comes an S".0 -
Kiki a week to a teenager IS a long time.
And I totally agree with your last comment. :T0 -
kathy, at start of your chat apologise for not talking to her about this sooner. The fact that the aunt has been told means daughter feels, in her mind, you have betrayed her trust. Put yourself in her shoes; does what you have done not seem wrong to you? But the truthful explanation reveals you felt you had no choice; that is why your chat should have taken place long ago and the situation not allowed to fester.
It does seem wrong, but part of it seems right - this is the reason I'm in a pickle and asking for help!
It's been a week so I'm hoping it hasn't festered too much. I've chatted to her as normal a few times since and I didn't think there was anything out of the ordinary, but I'm sure teenagers can hide their true feelings well. She's been through a lot but she's a very strong girl.
The most I can do is be honest with her. It's up to her if she wants to accept that. Hopefully build up the trust between us again.
Thank you.Sounds like you're doing a fab job to me.
KiKi
I'm trying. I'm stressing, but I'm really trying!!! Wealth is what you're left with when all your money runs out0 -
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Kiki a week to a teenager IS a long time.
I think a week is a long time to anyone in a tricky or miserable situation. On the other hand, it's very quick when you're on holiday - even for teenagers!
I just disagree that she 'allowed' it to fester, that's all - she sounds like she's trying her absolute best in a difficult step-parenting situation.
Let us know how it goes, OP.
ETA: just seen your last post...I don't think there is a right or wrong in this situation. To her it was wrong, but I'd bet anything that your OH thought it was right. Which is why you need to clarify your role with everyone, otherwise *you* are the one who will end caught in the middle; whenever anything happens and someone tells you, either the kids or your OH will end up being disappointed or let down. You can't live like that, it's not fair on you (or anyone else).
KiKi' <-- See that? It's called an apostrophe. It does not mean "hey, look out, here comes an S".0 -
I accept that sounded stronger than was intended.I just disagree that she 'allowed' it to fester, that's all - she sounds like she's trying her absolute best in a difficult step-parenting situation.
KiKi
Yes they certainly can be very good at hiding true feelings. IMHO you seem to "know" how these girls tick very well! :Tkathy_virginvie wrote: »It's been a week so I'm hoping it hasn't festered too much. I've chatted to her as normal a few times since and I didn't think there was anything out of the ordinary, but I'm sure teenagers can hide their true feelings well. She's been through a lot but she's a very strong girl.
If she realises you are being genuine I'm sure the trust will not have been damaged too much. Good luck.The most I can do is be honest with her. It's up to her if she wants to accept that. Hopefully build up the trust between us again.0 -
Yes they certainly can be very good at hiding true feelings. IMHO you seem to "know" how these girls tick very well! :T
Agree! I'm sure you'll be fine, OP - and they sound like nice girls who've dealt with a lot of crap, so I'm sure they'll appreciate your honesty.
KiKi' <-- See that? It's called an apostrophe. It does not mean "hey, look out, here comes an S".0
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