In a pickle! Can you help?

HeadAboveWater

KiKi wrote: »

Let us know how it goes, OP.

Absolutely x

KiKi wrote: »

ETA: just seen your last post...I don't think there is a right or wrong in this situation. To her it was wrong, but I'd bet anything that your OH thought it was right. Which is why you need to clarify your role with everyone, otherwise *you* are the one who will end caught in the middle; whenever anything happens and someone tells you, either the kids or your OH will end up being disappointed or let down. You can't live like that, it's not fair on you (or anyone else).

Completely caught in the middle :P

NAR wrote: »

If she realises you are being genuine I'm sure the trust will not have been damaged too much. Good luck.

here's hoping! She should know I'm genuine. I've been as open and honest with them from the start, so this should just be a slight blip!

KiKi wrote: »

..they sound like nice girls who've dealt with a lot of crap, so I'm sure they'll appreciate your honesty.

So... my plan is to talk to the daughter and apologise as soon as possible. After that, talk to my partner and establish what my 'role' in the family is, and what information should or shouldn't be passed on. And I agree that I can never promise his kids total confidentiality, for their own health and safety, but will do my bestest Big family meeting after that so we're all clear on where we stand.

That's in theory. But will let you know what actually happens!!!! xx

Chakani

OP, I think you really need to take the role of 'friendly adult', rather than big sister - that sounds like a recipe for disaster to me, as perhaps you have realised.

If this sort of situation were to arise again, I would tell the girl that she is more than welcome to talk to you, but that you cannot promise to keep secrets if you feel it is something her dad ought to know.

KiKi

kathy_virginvie wrote: »

So... my plan is to talk to the daughter and apologise as soon as possible. After that, talk to my partner and establish what my 'role' in the family is, and what information should or shouldn't be passed on. And I agree that I can never promise his kids total confidentiality, for their own health and safety, but will do my bestest Big family meeting after that so we're all clear on where we stand.

That's in theory. But will let you know what actually happens!!!! xx

Sounds like a great plan! Are you going to talk to the daughter tonight?

Chakani wrote: »

OP, I think you really need to take the role of 'friendly adult', rather than big sister - that sounds like a recipe for disaster to me, as perhaps you have realised.

Completely agree with this. 'Big sis' and 'parental unit with dad' don't mix!

All the best for the discussions - and well done for having the courage to talk to her; some people would just ignore it.

KiKi

HeadAboveWater

Chakani wrote: »

OP, I think you really need to take the role of 'friendly adult', rather than big sister - that sounds like a recipe for disaster to me, as perhaps you have realised.

Learned the hard way I think

Chakani wrote: »

If this sort of situation were to arise again, I would tell the girl that she is more than welcome to talk to you, but that you cannot promise to keep secrets if you feel it is something her dad ought to know.

Bingo. I think that's where I went very wrong.

KiKi wrote: »

Sounds like a great plan! Are you going to talk to the daughter tonight?

If possible. She's going with all her school mates to the cinema (last GCSE exam yesterday so celebrating!) so she may be away by the time I get home. Later on tonight or else tomorrow morning

KiKi wrote: »

Completely agree with this. 'Big sis' and 'parental unit with dad' don't mix!

lol nope!

KiKi wrote: »

All the best for the discussions - and well done for having the courage to talk to her; some people would just ignore it.

No chance! No way could I ignore it! That's not gonna make things any easier for anyone!

Sally_A

OP - you are doing a great job, and seem to be in tune with the girls. However there could be some phrases to use that convey you are taking them seriously, but if the problem could leave them vulnerable, you need to tell their dad.

1) I understand what your are telling me and am honoured that you are confiding in me, but if your dad asks me outright, I'll have to tell him, as this affects your safety/health etc.

2) do you want me to bring it up with your dad? (often they do deep down, as men tend to go off in a rage, so if a woman can take the brunt of the rage before dad talks to the daughter, this will help). Poor you.

3) I'm only your dad's g/f, I have no legal rights to get you out of this mess, I'll do all I can to help you, and I'm happy to listen and do what I can, but if it's really serious your dad or mum will have to get involved.

At 16 she is between child and adult, it's very tiring having to think on your feet. I'm also guessing she has a lot of built up anger, you sound lovely enough to let yourself be the punchbag for her anxieties, anger, etc.

Keep doing what you are doing, and don't be afraid or embarrassed to cry with her. You may get the occasional "You're not my real mum" type anger, never slag off her mum.

Also decide if they need a big sister or a stepmum I know you want to be both, but that confuses the vibes you give off even more.

Good luck, it sounds like you have their interests at heart. :T:T

HeadAboveWater

*sigh*

So much for me approaching his daughter and apologising. Her aunt spoke to her after she spoke to me, and told her I only did what I thought was best for her and blah blah blah, trying to explain.

Yeah ok that's nice of her to stick up for me, but I think it would've been better to come from me. Just told her aunt that too. I want his daughter to respect me, and vice-versa. Need to be able to communicate for that to happen.

HeadAboveWater

Thanks Sally A. Very good phrases to use. Appreciate that

Sally_A wrote: »

Good luck, it sounds like you have their interests at heart. :T:T

I do. But trying to keep everyone happy is very trying!!!!!!!!





SOOO glad I came on here and posted. I've read through various threads on this board and a lot have mixed replies so I was a bit reluctant so say what was going on. Thankfully you have all been so supportive and encouraging. Felt a mess after lunch but ready to go face another challenge now
Thank you all again so, so much xx

RAS

Regardless of aunt's intervention, you need to sit down and talk to the girl yourself.

This is about your relation with her. Since you are likely to be around for a time it is about the whole future of that relationship.

You cannot mediate that through other people, if you want it to work.

HeadAboveWater

RAS wrote: »

Regardless of aunt's intervention, you need to sit down and talk to the girl yourself.

This is about your relation with her. Since you are likely to be around for a time it is about the whole future of that relationship.

You cannot mediate that through other people, if you want it to work.

I agree totally and utterly. We gotta be able to communicate, build on our own relationship, and work on the trust. Nobody else can do that for us. Hence me telling off the aunt!

(BTW, the aunt is also my sister in law! Complicated I know!)

NAR

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