New Single father seeks advice

ritchie

I have now become a singe full time father of a 5 year old boy. (his mum did not want him anymore)

I am very fortunate that I live with some other family members, although before my son was "left unannounced" with me, my plan was to move to another part of the UK to improve my job prospects. My longer term plan is to have my own place.

Areas where I need some suggestions and advice is how to look after a young child on a full time basis, and how what I can do to have some of my own life. I used to do a lot of sport in the evenings, now that training is infrequent and I am highly dependant on other family members looking after my son. Luckily they help in dropping and collection from school in order I can get to work on time each day. However, this is straining everyone. I have considered a school club but feel that my son is not ready for this as he has moved around the country 2 times within the past 12mths and been through many other difficult times.

I write here to ask how other single fathers cope and any tips, advice etc.

(I have been awarded CHB and applied for child tax credits. But when I phone the tax credits line they said my application was rejected as I did not provide the extra information they requested. They never requested any further info from me- so I need to fill in the dam form again. Waste of blooming time this tax credit system IMHO)

Also to you women out there – I ask how do you view single full time dads as a potential partner?

Apologies if this is the incorrect board but I really need help.

Zara33

Wishing you all the best and if a new partner can't accept you are a single father, then perhaps they aren't for you.

Have you applied to the CSA for child support from the mother?

Karrie

Well done and good luck.

My son attened a school club before and after school from the age of 4 until recently (he's 11). I found it gave him confidence and he made lots friends from each year at the school. It may well be a good idea. Why don't you begin with just the mornings or just the afternoons.

Being a single parent is bloody hard work BUT it's so worth the hard work.

Jet

Hi there,

I'm a working single parent and it is hard to juggle everything.

I'm glad you have family to help you out. Perhaps you could consider childcare (you may get help with the costs through tax credits) during the week, then this may help you to feel less guilty for asking for help from family at the weekends to have a social life.

Give your little boy some time to settle down. He needs to know that his Daddy is there for him.

As for a potential new partner. Personally I would be a bit wary of a single Dad, simply because I know how hard it is to bring up a child full time and I wouldn't commit to anyone or their child if I didn't feel I couldn't give 110% for the sake of the child. But, that's just me and I realise that a lot of men would probably avoid me for the same reason.

When you find the right person, they will accept you and your son as a unit. Don't accept second best as it's not just you who will go through the heartache if it all goes wrong.

jinky67

ritchie wrote: »

I have now become a singe full time father of a 5 year old boy. (his mum did not want him anymore)

I am very fortunate that I live with some other family members, although before my son was ditched on me,

First of all I feel terribly sorry for your son,his mum dumps him and his father says he was ditched on me.What a great set of parents.Wondering if son was dumped because father wasnt taking responsibility--he'll have to now!
But my advice is just to take the time to get to know him and let him settle down,yes it will be hard but for the sake of your son you MUST do it.Just be thankful you have family who are willing to help out.

thesaint

Have you asked your employer about being flexible with your working hours?
I believe that I am right in saying that they have to consider being flexible when you have a child of your son's age. My old employer allowed me to work 32 hours instead of 37.5 so that I didn't have to get others to take my child to school.

There are no easy ways bringing up a child by yourself, the support of your family is the biggest help you can have, and although they may find it hard now, they will soon get used to it as long as you do not take advantage of their genorosity.

Your hobbies will have to take a back-seat to be honest, it's all part of being a parent. As with finding a woman, it will either happen or it won't, some will be put off, others won't mind, and some find it preferable.

Personally, I would wait for the dust to settle before claiming child maintenance from the mother.

nats3006

I take my hat off to you i really do :T i posted on here a good few weeks ago about my sister not wanting her little boy same age as yours!! my mum now has custody of him as his dad didnt want to have him either, he put his own life first but yet he brought him into this world as well!! i just dont know how some people can think they dont want their children!
i think your amazing to take him on yes i know he is your son but not alot of men would do that
All the best and if you ever need any advice or someone to talk to we are all here
*HUGS*
Nats

kelloggs36

It would depend on how much you need the money and if the mother is working before you decide to contact the CSA. Have you approached the subject with her and asked what her intentions are with regards supporting her and your son?

benbenandme

As one single parent to another - good luck !!! At times it may seem incredibly tough but it is so worth it. The best advice I can give you is spend time with your son, get to really know him and build a strong bond between you. He needs to know you will be there for him especially if as you say he has had a lot of instability in hi life so far.

Then I would say spend time re-evaluating what you want for you both for the future - I am currently moving hose and am downsizing and will be moving into a flat, but it does mean as my mortgage will be smaller I can continue to work part-time rather than have to work full-time to service a large mortgage. Its about your priorities and what values etc you want him to learn from you. Yes it will mean compromises and possibly giving up some of the things you wanted to do, but it may also mean this could be the start of a new adventure for you both. Have you spoken to his school? Could you get involved with the parent/teacher asociation? scouts? football club etc? Perhaps he could be involved with your hobbies as he gets a bit older, do they run a childrens club etc? Try and look for a social life that involves both of you ?? Not sure if this makes much sense, also have a look at parenting websites for people in a similar situation (mumsnet / netmums).

As for the potential partner issue - personally I would have a huge amount of respect for any man bringing up a child alone, I think this can be harder in some ways than it is for women eg. at the school gates mums tend to chat to each other more than they do to dads. However I'd also say make sure you have built that bond with your son before you begin to look for a relationship. Good luck with everything!!:T

ritchie

Thank you for all the replies of support.

My son has been living with me for a few months now. Note even though there is considerable distance between the mother and myself there was a shared residence order in place. I love my son and made as much effort as possible in making sure he knows I was part of my life.

jinky67 - Yes he was dumped on me – without notice by his mum. Maybe my words have been misunderstood on my 1st post by you. I have taken him in with full arms as the other option would have been LA care. NO WAY would I allow that.

I am hoping that his residency with me will be confirmed legally later this month in order we can get on with our lives.

My employer has been very helpful and flexible with me taking significant amounts of time of work to help settle my son in a new school and arrange transfer of all his medical care (GP, dentists etc). However, I work quite far from where we live so do a lot of daily commuting so that on top of looking after him has taken a lot of energy from me. BUT equally I love being with him each day and now we try to play football each evening in the garden now the dark nights are going.

Its not just my hobbies that have taken a back step I had big plans to do some life challenges this year such as a charity sky dive and plan a trek of the great Wall of China. All that is on hold.

Living with family – yes that has helped my son a lot but to be honest also created some underlying tension the other family members now expect many “favours” in return, which I just cannot cope with everything.

CM – well I had been paying by CSA money still to her. BUT CSA advised as I have a CHB number in my name now to claim CSA for her. Tough decision as I did not want to create tensions but I have decided to claim CSA from her as I do need to think of his long term financial provisions and care. She received over 70% of the divorce last year based on son living with her. I strongly suspect that now she has her share on money that is a reason why she “dumped” him. Any suggestions if I can go to court to claim some of the divorce capital back? (as I need to make extra capital provision for my kid being main carer).

I am not desperate for another partner but I do think a lot on how the future will be for both of us, as I would like to settle down and have a family again.

Many thanks again for all the support. I ask for any practical tips, advice, etc. I am more interested in how similar single parents cope especially with living on their own away from family members.

hobo28

Hi Ritchie

I became a single dad about 4 years ago after my ex decided she'd rather live the single life. At first I thought my life was over. The loneliness was the killer. Hated seeing my ex live the single life at my expense. Even rang the samaritans to talk as I had no-one else who understood. However, soon I realised how lucky I was. You'd be surprised how many single fathers there are out there. We're just not a vocal group.

Is your work flexible or can u change your job? This was key to me and for 2 years I traded climbing the career ladder for a job which meant I could leave at 5pm on the dot so I could pick kids up from childminders/school. My work were very understanding and I do wonder if I were female if I would have gotten the same leeway. Don't forget that tax credits can pay for some of the childcare too so check that out.

I know exactly what you mean about the school club thing. I hated dropping my daughter at school at 8am then picking her up at nearly 6pm. It was a long day for a young child. But needs must and life as a single parent is about what you can do rather than what is ideal. There will be a lot of compromises to be made and some tough choices. For example, my child minder wasn't the best. I knew that but she had good hours, was flexible, took decent care (not the best) and was a good price. In actual fact, my DD was 6 at the time and loved afterschool club. The guilt was all mine, she loved it. So try it, you might be surprised.

ritchie wrote:

Also to you women out there – I ask how do you view single full time dads as a potential partner?

I'm not a woman but I can tell you how I found it. It was quite tough as your chances to go out are severely reduced. You can't just disappear for a weekend or go out on a whim. Dates have to be planned, babysitters found.

I found that most women without kids just simply didn't understand. One tried really hard but couldn't accept she would never be number 1. If only we'd met earlier.

Women with children were more understanding but I was surprised at how many of those also didn't want men with "baggage". Personally I thought it was quite rich! LOL

The plus side is that a lot of women will consider the fact your a single dad to be a BIG plus and it does mean you'll have a lot in common to talk about with the single mothers!

Does your ex see your son at all? What does he think of all this? My kids coped really well. My son was just a toddler so knew no different but I was surprised I didn't have more problems with my daughter.

At the end of the day, life will be a lot more complicated. But the rewards I think are worth it. I think the turning point for me was when I joined Gingerbread (https://www.gingerbread.org.uk) and realised how many single mum's were worse off than me and how many single dads who were just getting on with it. Made me realise I should just stop feeling sorry for myself and get life sorted.

Hope that helps