New Single father seeks advice

Karrie

ritchie wrote: »

I am not desperate for another partner but I do think a lot on how the future will be for both of us, as I would like to settle down and have a family again.

Many thanks again for all the support. I ask for any practical tips, advice, etc. I am more interested in how similar single parents cope especially with living on their own away from family members.

Right now you need to focus on your son, you and finding your own place to live with him. There is no reason why you can't do challenges now that he lives with you. Can you do ones that include your son? Maybe not right now but in a few years time?

As for living on my own with my son? Love it. Do what I want when I want for as long as I want. Have been with my partner for 4 years and still delaying moving in with him. As much as I love him, I do like living on my own.

Jet

ritchie wrote: »

Many thanks again for all the support. I ask for any practical tips, advice, etc. I am more interested in how similar single parents cope especially with living on their own away from family members.

There is no doubt it is hard and I've had to make a hell of a lot of compromises on things I want to do.

Getting babysitters is not easy and then I worry about leaving them with my son in my home if I don't know them that well. So I tend to just stick with people I know, which sometimes means I have to turn down nights out which is hard when you don't get out much. Then, sometimes I simply cannot afford the night out and the babysitter. :rolleyes:

My sons Dad has him every other weekend for a couple of days and I really look forward to this time as it's my only time off to be "me", but it's frustrating trying to fit things in with this time schedule. My friends only seem to want to go out on a Friday night and then I end up sitting in on the Saturday night when my son is with Dad feeling frustrated that I have a "free" night when I can have my freedom, but i've got no-one to go out with!

I'm in a job that is in my home town, with a small firm that may or may not last the course. I get flexible hours and currently work school hours. It's not career of the year and I could do something a lot more challenging but I have to be there for my son and cannot commit to anything more at the moment. But I pay the bills, (with no help from DS Dad) and I'm not in debt, we have some treats now and again and with the help of this site live reasonably well. And in a few years time, DS will be older and I can climb the career ladder a bit.

I really feel for my son sometimes, he has no-one but me and his Dad and I know that must affect his self esteem (not having a feeling of being loved by many or that he belongs to an extended family unit).

However, on the plus side, I went to parents evening last night and got an absolutely glowing report on my son. It makes me very proud to think that so much of that is down to me and my struggling and it's worth every bit of it.

I haven't met Mr right yet. Had a a bad relationship after DS Dad and I'm v. scared of hurting my son with another loser. Tend to keep men at a distance even though deep down I would dearly love the "family life" and another child.

That's my take on being a single parent with no family around, I hope it helps and doesn't scare you too much. :eek:

Penny_Watcher

Hi ritchie

On the potential partner front it didn't bother me that my husband also came with 2 children in tow If anything it was an added bonus because he understood about being a parent.

At the time I was a single parent to a 10 year old girl. He wasn't the Parent with Care, but he was still a fully involved Dad. Dating was a bit difficult (babysitters etc), but being a parent himself he understood the difficulties.

It sounds like deserve a better class of lady next time round.

Best of luck with your little lad.

ritchie

thanks for the replies.
i will look into gingerbread - thanks looks interesting.

at first the mother did not want anycontact apart from school hols. but now she is demanding more contact each week. This is confusing me and son alot. She is obviously needs some help. But i need to stabilise my son as he still is confused where his home is and think his mum will come to take him back to his old school someday.

thanks

hobo28

ritchie wrote: »

thanks for the replies.
i will look into gingerbread - thanks looks interesting.

Join the VirtualGingerbread groups which are e-mail based lists. VG3 & VG4 were certainly the most active and be prepared to receive a lot of mail.

ritchie wrote: »

at first the mother did not want anycontact apart from school hols. but now she is demanding more contact each week. This is confusing me and son alot. She is obviously needs some help. But i need to stabilise my son as he still is confused where his home is and think his mum will come to take him back to his old school someday.

thanks

You are totally correct and I think you need to take a tough stance (maybe once you have residence sorted). It can't have been easy for her to hand over your son and I suspect she couldn't cope. Which also means you have to consider this when she has him too. The buck stops with you now.

You and your son need to have a routine. kids's thrive off routine and you also need so you know where you are for work etc. Of course its unrealistic to expect an arrangement you make now to last for the next thirteen years but neither can she keep changing it just to suit her.

Its your duty to ensure your son has the opportunity to have a relationship with his mum still but this shouldn't come at the cost of a stable routine in which he's mainly in your care rather than being passed around about like a rugby ball.

scoobydo_2

hi I firstly have to say as a lone parent myself I take my hat off to you for taking resondsibilty for your son as a lone dad .Personally would have no problem dating a single dad though its not easy I've been on my own 4 yrs now .Things aren't spontaineous and have to be planned to get time on your own to get to know another person .
As for childcare have you thought about puting your son with a childminder . (I'm one ) that way he will have a special bond with just one person and feel cared for and loved within the home . I know as a parent I'd rather that than a nursery or after school club . He'll mix with other kids and you can relax that bit more and be more independant from your family .they may then not mind having him some evenings while to train or flirt ..lol

nats3006

hobo28 wrote: »

Hi Ritchie

I became a single dad about 4 years ago after my ex decided she'd rather live the single life. At first I thought my life was over. The loneliness was the killer. Hated seeing my ex live the single life at my expense. Even rang the samaritans to talk as I had no-one else who understood. However, soon I realised how lucky I was. You'd be surprised how many single fathers there are out there. We're just not a vocal group.

Is your work flexible or can u change your job? This was key to me and for 2 years I traded climbing the career ladder for a job which meant I could leave at 5pm on the dot so I could pick kids up from childminders/school. My work were very understanding and I do wonder if I were female if I would have gotten the same leeway. Don't forget that tax credits can pay for some of the childcare too so check that out.

I know exactly what you mean about the school club thing. I hated dropping my daughter at school at 8am then picking her up at nearly 6pm. It was a long day for a young child. But needs must and life as a single parent is about what you can do rather than what is ideal. There will be a lot of compromises to be made and some tough choices. For example, my child minder wasn't the best. I knew that but she had good hours, was flexible, took decent care (not the best) and was a good price. In actual fact, my DD was 6 at the time and loved afterschool club. The guilt was all mine, she loved it. So try it, you might be surprised.



I'm not a woman but I can tell you how I found it. It was quite tough as your chances to go out are severely reduced. You can't just disappear for a weekend or go out on a whim. Dates have to be planned, babysitters found.

I found that most women without kids just simply didn't understand. One tried really hard but couldn't accept she would never be number 1. If only we'd met earlier.

Women with children were more understanding but I was surprised at how many of those also didn't want men with "baggage". Personally I thought it was quite rich! LOL

The plus side is that a lot of women will consider the fact your a single dad to be a BIG plus and it does mean you'll have a lot in common to talk about with the single mothers!

Does your ex see your son at all? What does he think of all this? My kids coped really well. My son was just a toddler so knew no different but I was surprised I didn't have more problems with my daughter.

At the end of the day, life will be a lot more complicated. But the rewards I think are worth it. I think the turning point for me was when I joined Gingerbread (https://www.gingerbread.org.uk) and realised how many single mum's were worse off than me and how many single dads who were just getting on with it. Made me realise I should just stop feeling sorry for myself and get life sorted.

Hope that helps

:T :T :T :T :T :T :T :T :T :T :T :T :T :T :T :T :T
Another excellent example!!
well done you!
x

crispeater

wow i didnt realise there were so many fantastic single dad's out there!!

im a single mum to 2 little beasties, sorry darlings and i wouldnt have a problem getting together with a single dad at least then they know what its like and how hard it is and not take absolutely everything you do for granted.

like the others have said definately try the after school club im sure they will love it!

goodluck

ritchie

Wow thanks again for the replies.

I do need to get son and myself in a stable routine, as the mother does think and expect she can get son whenever she wants. I am taking professional advice on this as I do realise that mothers do get many more rights than fathers – I know this as previously I had to legal apply for contact just to see my son, as my ex refused.

Thanks again for all the advice

Claudie

Hi ritchie. I am not single nor a Dad but found your post really touching. I have a 6 year old son and as I am not originally from the UK I didn't really know my way around what was available for children and parents.

My DS loves routine and I suggest finding a really good routine for before school and bedtime ie breakfast and getting dressed at the same time together every morning and a bath, story, quiet time and bed same time every night. Even if your son is at a childminder or after school group he will know he always has his time with you every day and I really think kids thrive on routine.

My son also loves scheduled activities such as after school football, Beavers, even the gardening club and regular Saturday trips to the library (and he loves writing his week ahead on a big calendar on his wall?!). Most schools have a sheet or diary of activities that are offered. If your son started part way thru the year you may not have received this so perhaps the school office may be able to help. If your little one hasn't been to any of these before he may need some encouragment at first but they can be great confidence builders. Our school also does a lot of lunch time activity.

Also - many schools are now offering, or investigating, wrap around care (breakfast clubs, after school clubs etc). While many children don't need to go M-F from 8-6, it may be a good idea to try a combination of mornings or afternoons once or twice a week to introduce it. Our school recently did a trial breakfast club which in reality was an hour of football and/or games with fruit and cereal. My DS loved it and would go every day if I let him.

And finally - most Councils offer an information service of some type whereby you can find local groups, childcare, activities etc. There are two in our area and you can either phone or drop in for help.

http://www.askwiltshire.org/

Once your son gets settled into school and starts making friends and meeting more people you will probably find everything hopefully slipping into a routine. I can imagine your head must be swimming from information overload but there is info out there, it is sometimes just hard to wade through it all.

Good luck and I hope it works out really well for you. Being a parent is a wonderful gift.