A bit confused. What would you do?

Sambucus_Nigra

MandM90 wrote: »

That's part of what OP seems to be confused about. A lied about inviting DD to her party almost like she's trying to cover for herself and pretend that she wanted her to come. Maybe due to the apparently tumultuous situation at As house she doesn't want to cause any more stress on her mother, or maybe she doesn't think she has a choice. Then again, maybe she is perfectly happy playing with OP's DD but simply had closer friends and thought her mum might be annoyed if OP's DD got 'bumped' for one of those.

I was rather hoping that the OP could maybe explain herself what she actually thinks the problem is.

FBaby

Firstly, you don't know if she has actually lied to the mum. As mentioned before, it is very likely she asked your DD who responded that she was busy (maybe your DD doesn't want to go?) and that is what she replied to her mum OR
She is worried that her mum will be upset because you are her mum's best friend and because she is aware of what you are doing to help her mum. I know it sounds a very mature attitude, but I know both my children could possibly have distorted the truth to me for that exact reason.

I do think you are worrying way too much. If she didn't enjoy coming to yours, you would surely know it. She would be constantly in your way, moaning, saying she doesn't want to play with your daughter, asking you to entertain her, or constantly be asking you for the time.

Many of my close friends became so because my kids were friends with their children. However, in most of them, whereas the friendship between me and the mums have deepened, the kids have moved on. They get along well and will play happily together when they do see each other, but don't invite to each other birtday parties any longer.

JC9297

You seem to have taken a leap from your daughter not being one of her closest friends to her not liking being with your family.

Chances are she's a lot happier spending time at your house and playing with your daughter than she would be at an unfamiliar childminder with a random group of children. Of course she is disappointed if she has to come to you when she was expecting to be with her mum, that's about missing her mum not because she hates being at yours.

barbiedoll

My son was with his childminder for several years. She has a son who is a year older than mine and although the two boys got on very well, they wouldn't necessarily have hung out together if they hadn't been thrown together, especially with the age gap. When my son had birthday parties, I didn't expect him to invite the childminder's son, he had his "proper" friends who he wanted to spend his birthday with. And likewise for my childminder's son!

Just because your friend's daughter doesn't want to hang out with your daughter doesn't mean that she's unhappy being at your place after school. I daresay all children of working parents would rather be at home with their mum after school, sadly it's not possible nowadays. My son used to moan a bit about going to the childminder during the holidays, not because he was unhappy there or because he was bullied, he just wanted to spend time with his mum and dad. He didn't make a fuss, he knew that we had to work but given a choice, he would rather have stayed at home (as would I )

Don't worry too much OP, if A's parents are having problems, she is bound to be sad at times. But I don't think that the birthday party is really an issue, and it doesn't sound like either you or your daughter are particularly bothered about it. And I'm sure that if A was really unhappy at your place, either you and her mum would know about it. Kids aren't THAT good at hiding their feelings. Have a word with her mum during the holidays and see if she wants to change the arrangement, but if you're happy to continue and A is happy enough, then I don't see that there's a problem.
Of course, you could always try asking A yourself?

mrs_sparrow

Thanks for the replies, it has been interesting to read all the different experiences and put a new slant on it. This is what I wanted by posting really and it has been pretty much summed up in the last few posts.

She definately did lie to her mum which made her mum feel a bit embarrassed when she asked me, but DD would not have turned down a party invite for anything (you know kids and parties) but I am certainly not bothered, I've not made an issue of it with DD she just thinks she has not been invited and that is the end of it - not bothered at all. I was simply worried she was not happy being here but did not want to say. I did not want her unhappy because of her parents convenience of having a sitter handy and I needed to know if broaching it was the right thing to say.

This is nothing to do with me not wanting her here and I hope that was not the impression I gave, I was worried about her, she fits in well with us and yes, I am probably reading too much into it. But I would rather do that than her be miserable. My son has disabilites and when this child is here my daughter gets a bit of a break too as she has someone to play with.

I think that my plain old daughter just cramps her style around her trendy friends. Girls right?? I am sure it'll not be long before my own DD is ignoring me in town!!

mrs_sparrow

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

I was rather hoping that the OP could maybe explain herself what she actually thinks the problem is.

MandM90 summed it up nicely. I was busy so only just got back online this evening.

Janepig

I don't think it matters if you and/or your DD are not this child's "style" (for want of a better word). If her mum was paying for a childminder, then she might not be the child's style either. Tough really. As long as she's not complaining to her mother that it's hell on earth going to your house after school, and as long as your DD isn't tortured by having her there, then where's the issue?

My friend does a similar sort of thing - she picks up a little girl from her son's class (my DS's class) to save her having to pay for after school club. The two of them are six and more like brother and sister now because they're either playing nicely together or (more often) bickering like crazy. I think that my friend is being put upon tbh, especially as this is a five day a week arrangement, but there you go. OP, I would say just make sure that you are happy enough to do this and that you're not being taken for a ride.

Jx

BitterAndTwisted

What I think may have happened is that child A fibbed to her mother about your child being available (and which 7 year-olds have their calenders in fixed in their minds when put on the spot? I don't know any who are aware of what their plans are for two days away) because your child isn't one of the 9 year old's fashionista-clique members and possibly feared that she would be compelled to ask her, so took the only way out that she could think of.

I doubt it was a calculated slight, as that would have been far too subtle, and I doubt that she's unhappy coming back to your home after school. If your little girl isn't unhappy about not being invited I wouldn't give it another thought.

Sambucus_Nigra

mrs_sparrow wrote: »

MandM90 summed it up nicely. I was busy so only just got back online this evening.

So, what's your actual problem....if you don't want to babysit then tell your friend. If you are unhappy that she lied then tell your friend.

You aren't really worried about her being miserable, you are upset that your DD wasn't invited to a party when you are giving free childcare. So either withdraw the childcare or do something about it.

mrs_sparrow

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

So, what's your actual problem....if you don't want to babysit then tell your friend. If you are unhappy that she lied then tell your friend.

You aren't really worried about her being miserable, you are upset that your DD wasn't invited to a party when you are giving free childcare. So either withdraw the childcare or do something about it.

Seriously, if you do not get it by now I'd give up if I was you. Read the posts, there are not many. I am not 'unhappy' about anything - worried that a child might be coming here when they did not want to be.

See, you assume way too much. Not everyone is like that and is bothered about being missed off the party list. I am not bothered about my daughter not being invited to a make up party, really I am not. My daughter does not know she was invited so she does not care either. It would have been more awkward had she not been busy as the mum would have invited her and the child would have not wanted my DD there. Thankfully, she is busy.

And I am not bothered about looking after her either. Funny enough I am happy to help, if I am not going to be here the mother makes other arrangements easily.

If I was bothered with either of these, I'd not be looking after her now. I'd be finding I had something to do on those nights now and could not do it - easy done really!!

Someone shoot me for giving a damn about a child's feelings and making sure that, if she was not happy, I deal with it properly. What on earth is wrong with that?