A bit confused. What would you do?

mrs_sparrow

I have a bit of a situation.

I am friends with a lady who has a daughter - I shall call daughter A. She is in DD class, they are 8/9 respectively.

About 2 years ago my friend mentioned she needed to find new childminder and I said I would help her out if she was stuck - meaning, until she got someone else. She mistook this to mean I would do it all the time and so A comes to our house several nights after school. I do not get paid and am happy to help my friend out.

This week my friend said to me 'your daughter is not coming to A's party, is she?'. I said I did not know, had not seen the invite, when was it?' She told me the day, then said she had asked A if my DD was going and A said 'no, she said she was busy'. Seems A has been selective with the invites but neither asked DD or gave her the invite. A clearly did not want my DD there, DD is busy, it's really not an issue and I agree she can invite who she wants. A has an older sister and my DD is the older child so I think A finds her too immature and not 'glamorous' enough for her - yes, even at this young age - she likes to 'hang around' with the girls who are interested in hair, handbags and clothes. DD likes to play with My Little Pony.

However, what I do now have a problem with is that A clearly has a dislike for my DD to the point of lying to her mum about it, but she is having to come to mine and I feel a bit uncomfortable with it. I fuss around and try and make A feel at home but clearly she is with people she does not want to be with.

I am not sure how to deal with it to be honest, friend is having problems with her marriage and is looking for somewhere else to live with the children so I do not want to upset by her thinking A is not welcome because it is not this at all. We do not do anything else after school so it's not a problem for me.

What would you do if you was in this situation? I was thinking of telling the mum about the invite/dislike situation - I have no problem doing this - but do not want to burden her with trying to find someone for A as well as a new home for them to live. The girl does seem to play well here and they go and play in DD room with the toys, watch TV together, play outside - I did wonder if it was more A was embarrassed being friends with my DD in front of the other girls as DD is very 'plain' and not 'trendy' like her other friends.

Just wondered if anyone had been in a situation like this that can offer some advice. Do not want to upset my friend but do not want this girl to feel she is having to go to people she dislikes either. Confused.

cheepskate_2

Why has it got to be "A has a disllike for your dd"?
A obviously has closer friends than your dd, thus invited them to her party.

This is the problem when people become friends and expect their children to do everything with the other child,

The two girls still get on, so unless you want to call time on the childminding then birthday party or not, should not come into it.

missindecisive

try not to take it personally if the your two daughters don't get on as much as perhaps you would like them to. it often happens that parents are friends but the children aren't quite as close as we might like them to be.
its admirable that you are there for your friend offering support. however, i'd be looking at how it affects your own daughter, if she's okay with the other girl being at your house as much as she is. ? if not, and its upsetting her, it may be time to tell your friend to make a new arrangement, you need to put your own family first.

krlyr

If your DD really is busy, is there not the chance that A asked DD directly and DD said she was busy, hence no invite being sent? Have you asked DD if it was mentioned, even just casually? Children are often limited to how many friends they can invite so it would make sense for A to have scoped out who could and couldn't make it so she could prioritise who she asks her mum to invite.

Alternatively, maybe the feeling A has towards your DD is just neutral. Not a strong like, not enough to invite to her party, but not a dislike either. She could just see your DD as "mum's friend's daughter". You don't seem to regard A as your DD's best friend or anything and you look after A because of the friendship to her mum rather than because of some strong bond/friend between the girls, am I right? If they don't share many interests and don't socialise much outside of class/your house, I don't think there's anything wrong in them not being best of buddies, as long as (as others have said) your daughter is happy enough about A coming over to stay.

pink68

I wouldn't worry about it too much.

My 14 year old daughter had a disco in the village hall for her birthday (she'd saved from her allowance and xmas money all year towards it!).

Anyway she has a lovely boyfriend who is 15 who she didnt invite. When I asked her why she said he just wouldnt fit in with the rest of her friends and would feel awkward. I told her he needed to be given the choice or he might feel upset and she explained to him 'I havent invited you but if you REALLY want to come you can', he didnt come and they're still together.

Lol if your daughter is happy for the other girl to come round then i'd leave it at that.

Another time my son who is 10 went round a friends after school and discovered he was into Star Wars. Son asked him why he always said it was childish at school when my son and his friend played make believe Star Wars. turned out he didnt think it was cool to admit he liked it.

Maybe she really LIKES playing little pony... :T

mrs_sparrow

First off, this honestly has nothing at all to do with the fact DD was not invited. My DD has enough going on with other people away from school and these other girls act too 'old' for their age IMO, I am really not bothered that my 9 year old does not want to be wearing heels and make up, I can honestly say that!!

And I also do not mind if they do not get on despite me and her mum being friends - we socialise when the kids are in school unless it is a school event going on so the kids not getting on does not affect our friendship at all.

I am more concerned that the child is here with people she has no interest in when her mum could be finding someone she DOES want to be with - A really has enough going on at home and if she really does not want to be here I'd rather tell her mum about it. She does get quiet upset if her mum does an extra day at work despite her mum having worked since she was a baby.

It's hard, I want to do the right thing by her - my kids are here regardless, they just see her as 'here' she does not bully or boss my children around and my friend and I will still be friends whether the kids are or not, I just do not feel comfortable having a child here that does not want to be here and is only here for convenience, I was just not sure how to broach it with her mum I suppose.

I'll keep an eye on things and see where we go, if she seems happy playing with toys then I'll not say anything, but if not then I'll mention something to her mum so she can sort something out over the summer holidays. There is not long to go until then really.

Thanks for another point of view.

mrs_sparrow

Oops, just also to say that my children are happy to have A here.

Maybe she really LIKES playing little pony... :T

Like the Star Wars thing. Yes, I wonder if this is the case. Her mum told me that she has toys at home but if someone comes around she makes her mum put them away. You just reminded me.

I'll keep an eye on her - maybe she gets something else from the friendship from my DD and I am worrying too much, LOL.

pink68

Sounds like she feels under pressure to grow up from her peer group and isnt as keen as she at first seems.

i'd just say to her Mum one day, 'I notice the girls are into different things these days, I'm more than happy to have her round as much as you like , and we consider her part of the family, but if she's bored and wants to go elsewehere I wont be offended' Then your friend can perhaps check with her over the summer that she still wants to come.

I'm sure if she didnt want to come round her Mum would already know in truth.

Good luck
X

floss2

mrs_sparrow wrote: »

...I am more concerned that the child is here with people she has no interest in when her mum could be finding someone she DOES want to be with - A really has enough going on at home and if she really does not want to be here I'd rather tell her mum about it. She does get quiet upset if her mum does an extra day at work despite her mum having worked since she was a baby.

It's hard, I want to do the right thing by her - my kids are here regardless, they just see her as 'here' she does not bully or boss my children around and my friend and I will still be friends whether the kids are or not, I just do not feel comfortable having a child here that does not want to be here and is only here for convenience, I was just not sure how to broach it with her mum I suppose.

I'll keep an eye on things and see where we go, if she seems happy playing with toys then I'll not say anything, but if not then I'll mention something to her mum so she can sort something out over the summer holidays. There is not long to go until then really.

Thanks for another point of view.

Why not ask her mum what plans she has for the summer holidays, as you may be going out for days or to visit family or friends away from home.....then if a discussion follows, suggest maybe the time has come to start finding a more agreeable arrangement for her daughter?

tyllwyd

Why do you think that because A didn't invite DD to her party that she doesn't want to be at your house? She probably sees it in a different category - going to your house is in one box, and her friends and her party is in a different box. If she seems happy with you, you are happy to have her there, and she hasn't said anything different to her mum, then I would just let it pass.

mrs_sparrow

tyllwyd wrote: »

Why do you think that because A didn't invite DD to her party that she doesn't want to be at your house? She probably sees it in a different category - going to your house is in one box, and her friends and her party is in a different box. If she seems happy with you, you are happy to have her there, and she hasn't said anything different to her mum, then I would just let it pass.

Because she lied to her mum about having invited my DD, I am not sure she would be honest with her mum about being here, even if she did not want to be here.

I am going to do what pink suggested, I do not have her in the school holidays at all so this will give her mum 6 weeks to decide what she wants to do, if anything. I am happy to have her here but if she is not happy being here, I'd rather she be honest about. I'd not be offended or put out in the slightest, the household is not happy at the moment so I'd hate to add to that discomfort because she is too afraid to say.