A bit confused. What would you do?

notakid

I totally get what the OP is trying to say. I found myself in a similar situation. I had a friend whose daughter was the same age but a totally different social group to my geeky daughter, the ironic thing was I realised that if we were the same age my friend would have probably found me to geeky to hang round with! :rotfl:

Its hard, to children these things matter, I totally understand your points. Its not that you or your daughter care if she was invited to the party its if the little girl really wants to be in your or your daughters company and how much she views the relationship as an inconvience.

Little girls have social classes, and I've found at this age they are esp rigid! If I was you, as your daughter is more important in the scheme of things sit her down, ask how she feels about the situation. Does she enjoy having the other little girl over? Or would she rather not as they haven't really anything in common. Her answers may surprise you.

Things do get better with age, with maturity comes understanding differences, my daughter from being a geeky viewed as slightly strange has become a popular bigmouth who prides herself in her differences. However, would she be friends with the girl I mentioned earlier. No, they have nothing in common. They didn't at 8 and they haven't at 16.

Spottedleopard

mrs_sparrow wrote: »

I have a bit of a situation.

I am friends with a lady who has a daughter - I shall call daughter A. She is in DD class, they are 8/9 respectively.

About 2 years ago my friend mentioned she needed to find new childminder and I said I would help her out if she was stuck - meaning, until she got someone else. She mistook this to mean I would do it all the time and so A comes to our house several nights after school. I do not get paid and am happy to help my friend out.

This week my friend said to me 'your daughter is not coming to A's party, is she?'. I said I did not know, had not seen the invite, when was it?' She told me the day, then said she had asked A if my DD was going and A said 'no, she said she was busy'. Seems A has been selective with the invites but neither asked DD or gave her the invite. A clearly did not want my DD there, DD is busy, it's really not an issue and I agree she can invite who she wants. A has an older sister and my DD is the older child so I think A finds her too immature and not 'glamorous' enough for her - yes, even at this young age - she likes to 'hang around' with the girls who are interested in hair, handbags and clothes. DD likes to play with My Little Pony.

However, what I do now have a problem with is that A clearly has a dislike for my DD to the point of lying to her mum about it, but she is having to come to mine and I feel a bit uncomfortable with it. I fuss around and try and make A feel at home but clearly she is with people she does not want to be with.

I am not sure how to deal with it to be honest, friend is having problems with her marriage and is looking for somewhere else to live with the children so I do not want to upset by her thinking A is not welcome because it is not this at all. We do not do anything else after school so it's not a problem for me.

What would you do if you was in this situation? I was thinking of telling the mum about the invite/dislike situation - I have no problem doing this - but do not want to burden her with trying to find someone for A as well as a new home for them to live. The girl does seem to play well here and they go and play in DD room with the toys, watch TV together, play outside - I did wonder if it was more A was embarrassed being friends with my DD in front of the other girls as DD is very 'plain' and not 'trendy' like her other friends.

Just wondered if anyone had been in a situation like this that can offer some advice. Do not want to upset my friend but do not want this girl to feel she is having to go to people she dislikes either. Confused.

I personally think As mother is taking advantage of you, and just because they play well in front of you does not mean there isn't bullying going on behind closed doors. A obviously isn't a REAL friend to your daughter, and I think its about time you told her mother to find someone else, don't be taken for a ride- shes probably sat at home rubbing her hands together because shes saving on childminder fees.

BitterAndTwisted

I don't think things are as black-and-white when you're only nine years old. Child A may be quite happy with the arrangement for coming back to yours after school and not see any conflict at all with not inviting your child to her party.

It's difficult as an adult to not see that behaviour as bad manners and very inconsiderate but young children aren't always as aware of other's feelings as we are.

I'd leave things as they are for the time being. If the girls are quite happy being together after school then I wouldn't choose to change anything.

Acc72

First you need to be clear as to why you are upset / annoyed :

Is it because your daughter was not invited to the party ?

Is it becuase you are an unpaid childminder ?

The above are two seperate issues and should be treated as such.

pimento

I wouldn't look after someone else's child on an unpaid basis, especially if they weren't particularly friendly with my child.

Put the whole thing on a business basis.

j.e.j.

Acc72 wrote: »

First you need to be clear as to why you are upset / annoyed :

Is it because your daughter was not invited to the party ?

Is it becuase you are an unpaid childminder ?

The above are two seperate issues and should be treated as such.

Yes, and I think it's unlikely the mum will want to make other arrangements for A, because she'd then need to pay for a childminder, whereas at the moment she's getting her daughter looked after for free!

mrs_sparrow

Thanks for the replies. Please don't make it out to be like I am an unpaid childminder, it's for an hour or 2 at the most and if I cannot do it, the child will go somewhere else. I have NO issue with looking after her, she would get childcare tax credits if she went to a childminder anyway so I am not saving her anything, it is not like that at all.

Acc72 wrote: »

First you need to be clear as to why you are upset / annoyed :

Is it because your daughter was not invited to the party ?

Is it becuase you are an unpaid childminder ?

The above are two seperate issues and should be treated as such.

It is neither of these, I am not upset or annoyed - as I said, the children at the party are not like my daughter at all, they are interested in high heels and make up, my daughter wants to play with toys and dolls.

I do not care whether I have 2 children here or 15 children here, if there is another child to play with mine are not fighting win win!! We do not go out after school so it is not like it is an inconvenience.

I do not want this child to be here when she is not comfortable being here - especially if the mum can find someone else she would rather be with, I think we have just got into this routine of her coming here. When this started the children did have things in common, but as someone else pointed out, 2 years is a long time and children change and yes, the phrase I was looking for was that they are now in different social groups.

The party issue has just made me realise things have moved on from 2 years ago, that's all.

pink68

I always say to my two (14 and 10) you are welcome to bring any friends home you like, if its not convenient i'll let you know when you come in. (not that i've ever had to).

Firstly I can put my feet up for an hour and secondly if they're all hanging out here (particularly the 14 year old) I know WHERE they are and WHO they are with. Same when it comes to lifts to places. I always volunteer to run them and their friends to places.

knowledge is key Mrs Sparrow! :j

Sambucus_Nigra

mrs_sparrow wrote: »

Just wondered if anyone had been in a situation like this that can offer some advice. Do not want to upset my friend but do not want this girl to feel she is having to go to people she dislikes either. Confused.

I'm confused - what is your actual issue? If she isn't happy there then wouldn't she have told her mum?

MandM90

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

I'm confused - what is your actual issue? If she isn't happy there then wouldn't she have told her mum?

That's part of what OP seems to be confused about. A lied about inviting DD to her party almost like she's trying to cover for herself and pretend that she wanted her to come. Maybe due to the apparently tumultuous situation at As house she doesn't want to cause any more stress on her mother, or maybe she doesn't think she has a choice. Then again, maybe she is perfectly happy playing with OP's DD but simply had closer friends and thought her mum might be annoyed if OP's DD got 'bumped' for one of those.