Should I put up with this?

DS4215

Mojisola wrote: »

She could move to another part of this country but couldn't take them to live abroad without the father's permission.

Unless she took them away on a pre-booked holiday visit and just didn't come back. Then it becomes a transatlantic custody battle based on the laws in whichever state she is in.

TheConways

I feel like there's a real issue underneath all this, and it's not about family holidays, birthday parties etc.

I would force the issue - say that it's a great idea to have a family holiday in the US across Christmas with all the family, grab a laptop and start checking out tickets online. What's her reaction now? Does she not want you there? Why not?

Go out for dinner - just the two of you - and have a talk over a bottle of wine. Going out is important - no-one can raise a scene in a restaurant! I would seek to understand why her parents don't favour you - do they think you're not good enough for her?

Speaking from experience: a lot of Americans are very "traditional", expecting that their daughters "marry up", and that their husband support them and the family. A man who doesn't bring home enough money to support everyone including holidays twice a year might not be viewed very kindly. (I say this as I saw it first hand - I grew up in the US as a teenager, and my parents still live there).

I wouldn't rush to a divorce lawyer until you've fully understood the dynamics here and what is driving this unreasonable behaviour. Good luck!

Mojisola

DS4215 wrote: »

Unless she took them away on a pre-booked holiday visit and just didn't come back. Then it becomes a transatlantic custody battle based on the laws in whichever state she is in.

In a case where this is a possibility, a parent can get an order stopping the other parent taking the children out of the country for any reason.

https://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/Lookingafterchildrenifyoudivorceorseparate/Lookingafterchildrenifyourrelationshipends/DG_192873
Court orders if you want to prevent a child from travelling overseas
You can apply to a court for one or more of the following:
a ‘prohibited steps order’ dealing with travel (meaning the other parent can’t take your child anywhere without your permission)
a ‘residence order’ (saying your child should live with you)
a ‘parental responsibility order' (giving you the rights and duties of a parent if you don’t already have parental responsibility)
an ‘injunction’ preventing the other parent from taking your child overseas
the child to be made a ‘ward of the High Court’ (meaning that taking your child out of the UK without the court’s permission is illegal)

Gigglepig

It sounds like there is a complete communication breakdown here and that things may not improve unless OP and his wife acknowledge they are both hurt and try to work out a way out of this.

OP why do you refuse to see the in-laws? Normally people put up with in-laws unless they have very good reason not to, even though families are seldom perfect.

Some other things that sprung to mind. In the US, people have much less annual leave so it may be practical for the wife/kids to travel there rather than the other way around. OP's wife is likely to have many friends who may not be able to travel to the UK, so can keep in contact by more people by flying over. OP's wife may miss the culture and since the kids are 1/2 american it is a great opportunity for them to spend regular time there. For the wife the visits to family and friends may be very important and it could be hurtful if the OP does not seem to support her.
It may also seem ungrateful not to appreciate the generous offer of tickets. OP your family is very lucky to be able to stay in touch with the overseas family.

Some posters above think it may be excessive with all these "holidays" but keep in mind this is an international family, and in my experience, overseas family visits are not the same as "holidays". It is very fortunate that OP's wife pays, many international families don't get "holidays" because all the money and annual leave is needed just to catch up with relatives.

OP also does not say what their Christmas routine normally is, for all we know they have spent time with his family in the past and not with his wife's. I don't think it would be reasonable for OP's wife to demand going there every year, but we don't know the background. If they have not had a US Christmas yet it sounds pretty reasonable to want to go there!

Of course all the trips should have been discussed and agreed first and I don't think OP should put up with that. However, it makes me wonder how come OP's wife is not asking, i.e. if she has asked repeatedly and the OP refuses to come along then she may feel a bit stuck as well if she always gets "no" when she asks. OP in the years you have been together, how many times have you taken the initiative and/or paid the bill for you all to go and see her family?

OP I understand that you are disappointed regarding the birthday party. Out of the 15 odd past birthdays of your kids, how many parties did you take the initiative to and organised on your own? I am only asking because families often have "patterns" of how things are done, and then things just keeps on that way unless and until someone asks for a change. Have you told your wife that you will organise the next party?

Regarding being a 'competent' parent, I am not suggesting that you are incompetent, but it could help to have an honest discussion with your wife regarding why she thinks this is the case, and tell her you really wish to become a competent parent and ask for her help. In the past, have you been the dad you wish to be? If not, why not? Are you taking care of 50% of feeding/bathing/playing/laundry/sick kids/disciplining etc etc when you are home from work? Have you taken paternity leave for all your kids?

If you resent that she is home with the kids then then could it be that you don't acknowledge how hard work this can be and appreciate her for it, making her feel bad too?

Is there a possibility for you both to work part time, or can you agree a long term plan where wife goes back to work when the youngest is x old?

What are your wife's dreams and aspirations? Have you asked her about them, and how you can support her? For example, starting small, is there an evening class she could go to while you are looking after the kids on your own?

Best of luck and I hope you can keep your family together.

Mojisola

GeekyJoe wrote: »

My wife has been very controlling from the outset and you could say I let her so my fault really. But it gets unbearable each year.

Gigglepig wrote: »

It sounds like there is a complete communication breakdown here and that things may not improve unless OP and his wife acknowledge they are both hurt and try to work out a way out of this.

For the children's sake, it's worth taking Gigglepig's post on board.

Joe - if you can make some changes in the way you behave, it can cause changes in the other person. At least, if you try and the marriage still breaks down, you'll know you've tried your best.

GeekyJoe

Thanks everyone for the responses. Some clarifications based on some posts.

The in-laws give her loads of cash which she stashes away in a secret account. So she has enough probably more to take care of herself in an event of a split. I have to constantly hear how her parents are supporting us, but she can't be bothered to work so we are self sufficient as a family.
I have no problems accompanying the children on the holiday, If I do go on the holiday and have them pay she would make sure she rubs it in. Also, she has asked me to get out of her parents home on one occasion when we were newly married and we had an argument. So I'm not comfortable, last thing I want to do is get there and have to fend for myself in a hotel a luxury I can't afford at this stage. The in-laws aren't really the problem per se, its her I cannot trust

Christmas is traditionally spent at home and we take the kids out each day for some fun activity, be it even playing in the snow. It is a joy to be part off. I've never had a problem with her taking a holiday during term holidays since I normally work and so would be occupied. But Christmas is a mandatory holiday for me (company shutdown) and I've always requested that I have the kids so I can have some quality time.

I make sure I come home from work early so I can do a bit of studies with the kids, bathe them and put them to sleep. If there is a lapse, however, for example if I take them for a walk after dinner and it goes a bit past their bedtime the next day then she would mention to the kids I'll put you to sleep from now on. The children of course pick up on the vibes and the atmosphere generally around the house is if mum is ok then its ok. So even if I tell them something they would check with her first.

We had been to a counseller once which was of no use to be honest. During the sessions she would charm the counseller (yes, she is very charming and has great PR skills) and say things like "I know I need to work on that" etc, but back and she is the same person again. According to her I made a total a!se of myself because of the way I bared my soul to the counseller (possibly so, since it was bottled up so much and I needed an outlet ). Not sure I believe her though, she most of the times according to her she loves mentioning how I'm the joke amongst my friends etc, which makes me very insecure since my friends are great with me but the lingering feeling of are they making fun of me behind my back and why won't anyone just come and talk to me

Sorry for the long post but I could go on and on I guess

DVardysShadow

GeekyJoe wrote: »

Not sure I believe her though, she most of the times according to her she loves mentioning how I'm the joke amongst my friends etc, which makes me very insecure since my friends are great with me but the lingering feeling of are they making fun of me behind my back and why won't anyone just come and talk to me

That says more about her as a controlling tibch than it ever says about you. You really have to start looking at everything she says of this nature from a default position of disbelief

geoffky

Life is too short...get out..

Mojisola

Joe - from what you've written above, you're a victim of domestic abuse and need to get help to free yourself from her - https://www.mankind.org.uk/.

LilMissEmmylou

This thread makes me feel so sad for you Joe.

I dont believe you should have to go on a holiday just because your wife booked it and cornered you into either going or being without the kids. My OH and my Parents dont get on and I would never DREAM of booking Christmas away with my daughter for ANY reason without it being all of us.

I agree that she is playing you for a mug and either you need to find a way to work it out with her or as others have suggested, perhaps you will need to decide at some point to walk.

*hugs*